Naive

Am I that insignificant to you?

Do you think my pained memories of you mean nothing?
Is everything that easy to you? 

I wanted a motherly love, mother

But your hands were cold 

Toss out that snobbish ego 

Manipulate me, make fun of me, you better stop now
You're making me mad

I’m going insane because of you, mother

While you were acting nice 
I played the fool and gave you everything 

Acting all innocent, you are such an actor

You're making me mad

You really are a manipulative waste

You've finally come around

I can only think of your twisted smile

You're making me go insane

Stop annoying me and disappear, you rotten subhuman

Am I that insignificant to you?

Do you think my pained memories of you mean nothing?
Is everything that easy to you? 

You such a manipulative waste, rotten subhuman, and don't deserve the title as a mother

The price you pay for playing me

You'll have to pay

You make me pissed off

I'm not the naive old me anymore

I'm not going to be played again

I’m not like before, taking all of your crap

You so arrogant 
You so manipulative 

You so shamelessly 

You play around without knowing the consequences of your actions

Without consideration, you talk bluntly

Act like a child

Trick me, make fun of me, you better stop now

I don't understand you, you disgusting piece of trash

What does a person like you 
Want from me?
When you've already taken so much like my virginity 
I'm stuck between a rock and hard place

Can’t do this or that in the name of love

You've finally come around

I can only think of your twisted smile

You're making me go insane

Stop annoying me and disappear, you rotten subhuman

You trick me off,

you know I always been there for you in the past despite your maltreatment of me

I hope you’ll get the same treatment

Reviews

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

I am so sorry that you had to go through so much abuse and suffering. Your poem cries and bleeds raw pain. The words, though eloquent and poignant, are graphic, destructive,-a child trying to fight back. I recognize all the feelings underlying the words- the hurt, rage, helplessness, violation... You have a talent for writing and it can be a useful, positive release and reflective tool for you to use to overcome the aftermath of abuse. The first-person monologue style has great emotional impact. The poem has great momentum, flow, balance. A rant, yes, but more a tearful soliloquy from a tortured soul. Therapy is hugely helpful in diffusing negative feelings, as I am sure you have realized. I wish you peace, comfort, love, the ability to forgive and move on with your important life, and I encourage you to keep writing. Blessings.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you! My therapist had recommended me writing the pain I have and ripping the paper (or keeping it) It helps somewhat.

My mother us being released from jail in less than a year and keeps trying to contact me from prison. I'm just waiting the restraining order to process.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Yes, keep writing - possibly keep a notebook that you can bring to your therapist. If you want to, you can destroy the notebook after you finish it. Hope the restraining order is processed soon. I wish you all good things in your life- you deserve them.:))

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much again.

[barleygirl]

This is a difficult piece for me to review. I read your other reviews & most people feel you are being too harsh & that this sounds like a rant. But I disagree to a certain point. I think it’s educational to read something like this becuz you show us what raw inner rage looks like in an intelligent way. To me, this is not a “rant” in the bad sense of the word, becuz you do include some intelligent observations about the way some horrible narcissistic parents act & how such bad behavior might make a child feel. Since I had very narcissistic parents that abused me in every way (including repeatedly being raped between the ages of 4 and 12), I have felt rage that goes so far beyond this piece of writing, your reviewers would think yours is more calmly stated than mine. I had recurring nightmares all thru those years where I would beat my father to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat & it felt really good in the dream. I awoke feeling powerful. I killed him! But then I’d go to the breakfast table & face the family, still in the strong emotions of my nightmare, & knowing my father’s autocratic rule would prevail. That’s when I felt suicidal (which was a daily feeling).

So I present my story, not for sympathy (I’m old & I’ve been healed for years), but to show how much more extreme such a story could be written & still be realistic. I feel yours is honest writing, period. Why shouldn’t we make ourselves (& other people) sit & cringe thru the words that realistically run thru an abused child’s head many times a day? I think the reason people on this website do not have an appetite for what they call a “rant” – there’s a ton of really bleak writing, it seems sometimes. Much of the very dark writing is actually more of a “dump” than a “rant.” Some people use this website & this writing community as a safe place to pour out their bottomless pit of pain & depression. I filled a hundred spiral notebooks writing out all my rage & pain, in my 20’s & 30’s, but I never shared it with anyone. I don’t even like to go back & try to read it. I was just boring & repetitive, frankly.

There’s one thing that I would challenge you about, concerning the way you wrote this. While I understand the need to put words on paper (so to speak), I am not of the mind to encourage someone to try to have this conversation (face-to-face or by sending such a letter) to a narcissistic abuser. It simply would not turn out well. Your message would feel like an attack, so these kinds of people will counter-attack. Wounded people can become further damaged by such a confrontation & the narcissist will always win becuz they have no empathy for anyone. They just need to win. Your written piece here does not take into account any awareness about what the other side of this conversation might look & feel like. The writer is acting like this will never be shared & reacted to by the so-called “Mom”. There is no attempt to consider whatever such a bad mom might’ve also been thru in her life to make her so utterly unfitting to parent a child. This is not a problem-solving piece becuz the harshness is being thrown out there, with no attempts at all to find any common ground or to foster understanding. Such a communique, were it to be sent to the offender, is an attack, pure & simple.

One way to make it less an attack would be to express the way you were hurt (self-disclosure) instead of telling how bad she is (accusational attacks). Example: “When you did THIS to me as a kid, I felt like I didn’t matter to you. And I wanted to matter to you. What can we do now to start down a path where I might start to feel I matter to you a little more?” – that would be the kind of message that could be inviting change & improvement & healing. But the other person might still snap back like a threatened dog, snarling & lashing out. Some people just can never be reached. Altho I appreciate the spirit in which this was written, I also have learned over the years that it’s not worth my time to lash out at thoughtless people who hurt me. Many times people have never learned how to be thoughtful, so they are acting in patterns they learned early on, reinforced by people they hang out with. It’s a pretty futile feeling to keep throwing a rant of anger at an offender when you’ll never get the feeling you crave, which is apparently to feel like you matter to that other person.

At some point in life, we have to give it up & realize we’ll NEVER mean anything to that person becuz that person does not have the capacity to love me the way I deserve to be loved. There’s a big world of people out there & many of them are going to care about you. So that would be the best route to take, once you’ve convinced yourself that this abuser cannot be reached to be coaxed into a better way of relating. Sorry I got so long-winded on you there. But you did reach out & ask for a review . . . (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

My therapist has always recommended to write my feelings and then tear up the writing (or keep it). I have asked my mother why she abused me and why she caused me pain, but she would just say that I had made her life difficult (which I can't see why, she hated my brother and especially my older sister) She thought my sister was much prettier than her when she was young so she abused the heck out of her) And she said she had wished she had aborted me.

So it's a difficult relationship which I cut ties with her and did a restraining order with her and my stepfather.

She sexually abused me often and so did my father

[barleygirl]

I'm sorry this is your true life story & I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. You have every reason to feel the way you do in this piece of writing. If anything, this is stated rather mildly, after what you've been thru. Keep up the good work!

[Patricia]

normally I don't review if one is not given to one of mine but since you are new to me I thought I would give it a read. There is no doubt a lot of emotion behind this poem but does seem more like a rant which can be pulled of by some. Unfortunately I am not one those people that can pull of a poetic rant. Nonetheless, the emotion is thick and can't be ignored which makes it unique. I think the repetition was a good idea but should be done in a more creative way. I think it's a great starting point and has potential because of the intense emotions but should you decide to rewrite don't lose that raw intensity. Not an easy task but one I am sure will give you a great sense of achievement should you succeed. It helps to let the poem sit a couple a weeks then come back to fine tune it. Don't be discouraged....you have potential here.

[Chris Shaw]

You have a great deal of anger in your words. There may be justification for this, but it would be better if your writing was more focused, because this comes across as a rant. This is not meant to be unkind, but you asked me for critique and that is what I am doing. Also there is repetition where there doesn't need to be. I wonder how long it took you to write this poem? Did you just rattle it off in one go or did you do several drafts? I suspect it didn't take you that long to write. Why don't you rewrite it again, and take your time.

Chris

[Crowley]

I had written a whole different review but then thought it is not my place to tell you what and how to write. This is one of the angriest poems I have ever read. That can be a good thing, but in this case I would love to see a little more of the subjects inner thoughts and feelings and dealings with this bad situation, and less throwing of shade at the mother. A few well placed lines about Mothers problems relay the relationship quite well, but there is a point where that goes overboard. I think more emphasis the way the subject reacts and deals with the situation may help this quite a bit. Keep on writing, you have the nuts and bolts.

[¿]

Glad that you've backed up and raising the voice you need to!
All the hail to your cure and damn to the subhuman...And caring bout the pain or frustrating situation I guess you'll take a fair revenge...
But be calm and careful...kudos..!!

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you! It helped me kind of when I wrote it

[¿]

Bravo Ji Suk...always welcomed!

[Onlyme]

I can relate to that the way the parents can toy with a child they had. And think they can do anything they like and you will accept and not argue back. Very well expressed and put from a personal point of view. With that element of a child's perspective. With the child trying so hard to stand up for themselves against a bully and a manipulator let alone a mother. It's not easy.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Yes, it's not easy. especially since she's being released from jail in less than a year.

[Onlyme]

Don't give up hope. We all need help and support. She is your mum. And your her son. Give each other a change. And take each day a new. And good lucky. To you and your mum.

[Davidgeo]

This style of writing does not suit you.

The negativity as you present it sounds forced and childish. The poem kind of meanders around just being angry but without focus or real structure. You might be focused on your mother as the topic but the acerbic tone lacks focus. Anger without focus is not a good way to express yourself, it's not a good way to heal yourself.

By the way... do you realize what "taking my virginity" really means? In that context it means you had incestuous sex with your mother.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Yes, I was forced to perform sexual acts on my stepfather and my biological mother too ever since I could remember.

[Davidgeo]

Well, that's fucked up. It's good that you are able to write about it. Most people can't even talk about it so they keep it inside and it eats them alive.

[AllauraRose]

Dang, this is a very powerful poem. I can tell you put it all out there and I respect you for that. This is very good and I can sense all the anger and pain you have inside of you. This is what poetry it for, even writing, just express the crap out of your emotions and let it all go. I can see the twist where you "wake up" and realize the truth, and I loved how you were over the lies and stood up for your self. I really loved the passion! I am sorry for what you have gone through. Amazing work and keep writing!
Allaura

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much! I am glad you liked how I made it powerful. I kind of hesitated posting this poem.

[AllauraRose]

Well, I am glad you posted it!