Chapter One

Chapter One

A Chapter by Lane Craver
"

Chapter One, Dark Prophecy, second version

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   Chapter 1


 

    Sabraya waited patiently holding her brother's hand among the townsfolk. "Where's mother?" Sabraya asked, looking over at her father on the other side of her brother, "When are they going to get here?" she continued without waiting for a reply.

      Her father picked her up and whispered in her ear, "They are going through the gates as we speak right now, Sabby." He touched her nose, and she giggled.

      "Father, look!" Her brother, Anestas, pointed, "They're coming through... and someone is slung over the horse." He squinted, "Is that person dead, Father?"

      Frowning he put Sabraya down, "I don't know, son." Rubbing his chin, he said, "Take your sister's hand and stay here while I check it out."

      Anestas and Sabraya watched their father disappear into the crowd.  

     "Why do we have to stay here Anestas?" Sabraya said, fidgeting inpatiently.

      "Beacause Father told us to." He said as he searched the crowd.

      "Where's Mother?" She asked as she wiggled out of her brother's grasp, "Why hasn't she found us yet?"

      A worried look crossed his face, as he said slowly, "I don't know."

       "Let's go find her."

      Anestas quickly stopped Sabraya, grabbing her hand and yanking her back, "No, Sabby. We have to wait."

      "But I don't wanna wait." She pouted, "I want to see Mother!"

Sabraya squirmed out of Anestas' grip once more and dashed into the crowd.

      "Wait, Sabraya!" Anestas yelled as ran after her.

      Sabraya broke through the crowd just as her father pulled the blanket off the horse, exposing her mothers mutilated and lifeless body. Sabraya screamed as her father turned toward her trying to sheild her from the horrific sight.

      Anestas caught up and swung her into his arms as she screamed endlessly into his ear.

      "Sabraya!" Anestas yelled. "Sabraya, you have to stop!" He shook her to get her attention, "Sabraya, wake up!"

      She opened her eyes to her brother shaking her shoulders.

      "Your having another nightmare." he said frowning. "It's been ten years since mother has died," he said in a lecturing tone, "when are you going to stop having nightmares over it?"

      "It seemed so real... " she said as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "It always ends the same way, no matter how it starts."

      "Well your going to end up killing us with your dream magic if you don't learn to control your nightmares."

      "Did something happen while I was asleep?" she looked concerned.

      "Not this time, but you know if you don't go to that school and learn to control it, it will sneak up and bite you. Or worse," he said with a sneer, "it will bite us all!"

      "Quit it, Anestas," she glared, "I'm only fourteen. I have plenty of time before I have to go to that school."

      Anestas picked up her saddle bag and threw it at her, "You won't have to worry about that if you make Father wait any longer." He turned to leave, "At least I wouldn't have to worry about getting burned to death from your nightmares."

       She threw the saddle bag back at him, but hit the door frame instead.

Following him to his room, she asked “Do you still think Father is going back to quest for King Aldrich?”

      Anestas rolled his eyes, “If it was just to cover for the ill forge master, why did he send his royal guard instead of a simple messenger boy? And why have only father do it, when he has so many others there at the castle? I do not want to believe it myself, but with all the strange supplies he has packed, I’m more than sure he is up to something he is not telling us.” He turned and left the room.

        She packed her bags and set them by the door. "Father," she yelled out,

"should I make breakfast before we leave?"

Her father looked sternly at her, “I’m afraid we won’t have time for that this morning. I need you to pack your horse, we need to leave now.” Father was in his usual gruff mood. “We’ll pack a light lunch and have dinner when we get into town. Tomorrow we’ll leave for Uncle Briggs.” Sabraya quickly packed her horse and was ready by the time their father bolted the front door.

Father got on his favorite horse Storm Cloud. It was gray with a spotted rear end and a white stripe on his nose that reached past his ears into his black mane. It was as tall as Jacob, their father, and broad as two workhorses put together. He was a gift from Mother who rode the massive warhorse in the Red Wars. The horse saved her life when the enemy knocked her off her feet. Mother named it such because when it rescued her, it crossed the chaotic battlefield like a swift storm cloud.

 Father took the lead, Sabraya followed on her trusty steed, Shooting Star. It was a small horse compared to her father’s with a white star-shaped spot on its nose among her midnight color. Anestas brought up the rear on his workhorse, Beauty. Its coat was reddish-brown and bigger than Sabraya’s horse, but smaller than his father’s. Anestas had adored Beauty ever since he was a boy. 

     No one said anything for quite some time as they slowly descended down the mountain they called home. The first part of the journey began with breathtaking views all around, and then they entered the lower forest. Trees quickly surrounded them with a cold darkness. They squinted and rubbed their eyes to adjust to the lack of light. Sabraya shivered at the sudden drop in temperature and the unsettling peace that filled the air. They rode for only a short time when their father signaled to halt.

     Anestas seemed annoyed, “Is it already time to stop for lunch? We could go further.”

Jacob raised his hand for silence. Turning his head in all directions, he made an attempt to hear something. Then he started sniffing the air. Anestas and Sabraya each shrugged shoulders to signal their confusion. Their father stopped sniffing and started looking from Sabraya to Anestas, then to the front of the path and to the brush on the right. It was obvious he was making some sort of decision.

Then he said, “I smell something charred in the air.” He paused, “Someone has camped near here; I must see who it is.” He paused again, taking care not to unduly frighten them. “You both wait here; it’ll be easier for me to get through this brush without the horses. Besides, it’s likely just the King’s men taking their time to get back.” With that he quickly got off his horse, handed Anestas his reins, retrieved his short sword out of the saddlebag and started cutting his way through the thick brush. 

Soon he was out of sight from his two children who stayed mounted, staring out at the path he left behind. The only way they knew he was there was by the sight of his chopping through the underbrush. When they could no longer see the brush sway, they settled on the forest sounds. Sabraya and Anestas dismounted, tied the horses to a tree and Sabraya promptly laid into Anestas, poking his chest with her finger as she said, “You don’t still plan on abandoning me, do you?”

Pushing her back, he replied, “I told you already, you can’t come!” Anestas was pulling his familiar older brother routine.

She brushed off her shirt and said, “Well then, I guess I just have to inform Father that he has nothing to worry about because his one and only son will be guarding his back!” She looked at him smugly, “After all, with Uncle Briggs wasting his efforts searching for you, you will have plenty of time to keep your eye on Father and return before he finds out, won’t you?”

Anestas’ face was turning red will ire, “Look Sabraya, I know your intentions are as great as mine, but let’s face it, you are one of those wizard things that has to go through your schooling so you don’t accidentally burn off one of our heads!”

“Listen hot-head," she sputtered, “I don’t have to start that stupid school for at least five or more seasons! I didn’t ask for this mark on my head, and I didn’t ask to go to one of those stupid schools.” Tears formed in her eyes, “I have enough time to make sure King Aldrich isn’t up to his usual treasure hunting before I am forced to go and you know it.” She stood her ground with her arms crossed in defiance.

“You’re not going and that is final!” Anestas visibly angered as he stared at her with squinted eyes.

Sabraya started chuckling as she said, “Maybe I should cast a sleeping spell on you and leave you behind.” She stumbled as she laughed uncontrollably.

“I’m glad you can keep your sense of humor with such matters at hand. It just proves you are too childish to go with me.” He crossed his arms, “You know you would just botch things up. That is why you cannot go.” He smiled as if he had won the argument without a second thought.

Wiping her tears from her eyes, she composed herself, “By the time you figure out you need help, you’ll be dead… or worse. You remember the campfire stories, don’t you?”

Anestas shrugged his shoulders as if it wasn’t a big deal, but his eys told a different story.

“You know I can out shoot you with a bow any day of the week,” Sabraya continued with confidence, “and you know you can’t stand your own cooking either.”

She could tell she was getting to him by the remorseful look washing over his face as she mentioned his cooking.

“All right, you can go, if you do all the cooking, and if we can give Uncle Briggs the slip before he tracks us with hounds.”

Sabraya grinned from ear to ear, “You mean it? I can go?”

Anestas rolled his eyes, “I said if.

“Well if it goes as planned, I will be good. You can count on me.” They sat back against a tree then, and got as comfortable as they could. They didn’t know how long their father was going to be, they just knew he was thorough with everything he did.

Meanwhile, their father was making his way through the brush, mumbling to himself that he should have sent Anestas to do a task such as this. He was getting closer to the charred smell as smoke clouds now drifted by. He paused for a break, worn out from handling his sword. His arm ached from the constant motion as he tried to rub out the pain. Just then, he heard a noise in front of him. Grunting sounds accompanied by a shuffling. At first he thought it must be a type of boar that inhabited the area, but as the sounds got closer, a chill went up his spine. He suspected he was in danger, but he couldn’t believe his own ears. Would they come this far out of their home in the swamps and on this mountain? His curiosity over-powered his fear to flee; He crept closer for a look.

Moving slowly toward the grunting sounds, he kept as quiet as he could, for he knew full well that if he was discovered by what he suspected, he could surely die. Peering from behind a bush, he saw a small clearing with a smoldering makeshift campfire. Then he saw them and cold fear seized his chest. Oh no! He thought… Trolls! 

It was a small group of six trolls, enough to slaughter the king’s personal guard. One alone could tear a human in two. They were tall and lanky, with scabs covering their lizard like greenish-brown skin. Beady black eyes were set back in their grotesque skulls. They walked with arms dragging on the ground, their bony fingers scraping at the dirt with long jagged nails. Bugs flew around the maggots that lived in the flesh smeared hair. The stench from their mouth was as bad as their skin and hair, with disease infested saliva seeping out between the yellow razor-sharp teeth. Most humans, with good reason, feared them. People would travel miles out of their way just to avoid the Trolls’ homeland. 

Jacob sat behind the bush and wondered what made these trolls travel hundreds of miles away from their own territory. He knew something awful must have moved into their land. Never before in all known history had the trolls left the south swamplands. Someone using ancient demon magic must have been involved. It was the only power strong enough to frighten the trolls out of their own territory. 

He started to turn back and as he glanced over the camp one last time, something caught his eye. He squinted to be sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him. It was a pile of bones! A pile as high as the trolls themselves and it resembled a haystack. The creatures seemed to have been nibbling on bones and then trading chewed pieces for bigger pieces. He couldn’t quite make out what kind of bones they were at first, and then his face turned white. 

It wasn’t just animal bones they were eating, but human bones as well. He realized he was looking at what was left of a man’s arm and hand and recognized the ring on the hand. “Holy dungeons!” he whispered, it was the King’s guards! Shaken and feeling queasy, he turned too quickly to trample back though his makeshift trail, ignoring the fact that he could be heard making his frantic escape. 

Later he would realize what a huge mistake he made. The trolls heard him run through the brush and began their pursuit. Jacob heard them smashing through the path behind him. They were fast and more able to handle the high bushes and deep holes through the forest. Jacob knew he had to reach Sabraya and Anestas ahead of the trolls, or his family would become nothing more than a pile of bones themselves. When he felt he was nearing his children, with trolls hot on his heels, he attempted to yell a warning to alert his children, but he was out of breath, and nothing but a heavy noise came out as he struggled on in his mad dash. 

Sabraya and Anestas were sitting quietly against a tree, twiddling grass in pure boredom as they waited for their father’s return. They had been talking about their plans to get away from their uncle’s supervision, when Sabraya sat up abruptly, listening toward the direction of their father’s trail.

“What is it?” Anestas blurted out at his sister’s startled look. “You spook too easily.” he said, when she didn’t reply.

“Quiet! You idiot! I thought I heard Father yelling something.” She stood still, cocking her head to try and hear it again. 

Anestas joined in, turning one way, then another. “I can’t make it out, but it sounds like he’s running. Do you think something is wrong?”

“I wouldn’t know what it could be, but we should be ready to go just in case; you know how impatient Father is when something upsets his plans.” She untied the horses and they both mounted, Sabraya holding Storm Cloud’s reins. The crashing sounds got closer. Sabraya looked worriedly at Anestas, as it became clear that Father was not alone. Before they saw their father they heard him, but what they heard sent chills down their spine.

“Trolls…Get out of here!” Jacob was finally close enough to yell the warning to them. They hesitated to leave without their father, but they were ready to flee. Jacob burst out of the brush and jumped on his horse as if he were twenty years younger. The abruptness of their father appearing in such a state of fear stalled them for a moment until Jacob screamed at them, “Move now!” Anestas bound forward in front of Sabraya who then followed Anestas, kicking her horse into a gallop. Jacob was right behind her, but not before ducking a deadly blow from the troll that suddenly appeared.

The horses were breathing hard as they bolted down the path. Sweat stung them when it mixed with the fresh wounds of the whipping branches. Fear washed over each of them as they tried to maintain on course. One wrong turn off the path might mean their instant death from the treacherous cliffs bordering the trail. Sabraya’s stomach started aching as she realized they still had to cross Deadman’s Canyon, and with trolls on their heels. 

Suddenly, there was a loud smack, as Anestas dropped instantly to the ground. Beauty reared up in circles and then clamored down the trail. Sabraya pulled her reins back trying to stop before trampling Anestas, but Jacob was unable to as he smashed into her with his huge horse. They both lurched forward, just nicking Anestas’ leg before straightening out. Sabraya leaped off her horse and knelt down next to the unconscious Anestas. Her panic doubled as she saw a big welt on his forehead where he had hit a low tree limb. 

Sabraya turned to her father, “It’s bad, what do we do?”

Jacob quickly got off his horse and took a look for himself. Anestas was out cold, motionless and badly hurt. Jacob slapped him hard across the face, but he didn’t respond. Her father looked quickly at Sabraya, then down the path, and back to Sabraya. “Sabraya, you must go now. You have to warn the king of the trolls outside his borders. I’ll be right behind you. I can’t just leave your brother here.” He began to pick Anestas up to drag him to his own horse. “Now go and do as I say!”

Sabraya got back on her horse without hesitation. She knew arguing would only delay what short time he had to save Anestas. She darted down the path once more, dreading the thought of Deadman’s Canyon, ahead.

Jacob struggled to lift Anestas over the back of the saddle. He slipped and tried again. This time he succeeded and secured him across the horse, while glancing back in a wild panic expecting the trolls to appear any second to devour them. He knew time was running out and crossing Deadman’s Canyon would slow them down even more. He just hoped they could get across before the trolls caught up to them.

Sabraya rode out of the forest and pulled back on the reins, stopping Shooting Star just before the cliff’s edge. If they had gone just a few more feet, they would have plunged to their deaths. It was Deadman’s Canyon. She turned to her left toward the only place narrow enough to place a bridge for miles. The bridge was made of slabs of hardwood and enchanted Elven rope. It stretched across the great expanse and was surprisingly sturdy considering its simple construction, but it was only wide enough to cross one horse at a time.

Sabraya reached the bridge and dismounted. Even though she wanted to hurry, she knew riding her horse was too dangerous with Shooting Star already spooked by the scent of trolls. She started to stroke Shooting Star’s nose and neck, bringing the reins in close; if her horse was to panic on the bridge, they could both be knocked off the bridge to fall into the abyss. When she felt the horse was a little calmer, she started walking slowly toward the bridge opening as she noticed Beauty wandering by the trees. Sabraya kept looking back toward the path, hoping to see her father emerge with her brother alive. She wished she could have stayed and helped, but what could she have done? 

Stepping onto the bridge, she could feel the wind blow through her hair. She tried to brush it out of her eyes, but without success. Without two hands to lead Shooting Star, she would likely lose control, so she proceeded without clear sight. Sabraya was three quarters of the way across when her father emerged quickly out of the forest. He came to a halt and stopped to comfort his horse. Sabraya was startled, and that caused Shooting Star to back away from her. She immediately turned to the horse, calming it until they started moving forward again. By the time her father dismounted, Sabraya was almost to the other side. She breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped onto solid ground. Tying Shooting Star to a nearby tree she signaled to her father that she was safely across. She squinted to see him acknowledge her with a wave, but from that distance, she couldn’t tell if Anestas was on his horse or not.

Jacob had done similar things as Sabraya to compose his horse, his heart pounded fast as he stepped onto the bridge. Although he had crossed the bridge many times before, he still panicked at the height of it. Today was even more intense, because his son’s life was in his hands. He needed to hurry so the trolls wouldn’t catch them on the bridge, but he had to go slowly enough to keep Storm Cloud calm. He began to sweat and the horse sensing his anxiety, hesitated before stepping onto the bridge. Jacob didn’t have time to delay, so he used more soothing words and small tugs to get Storm Cloud moving again, slowly but in the right direction.

The breeze cooled his sweat into goose bumps as he reached the first quarter mark of the way, and then he noticed his horse’s ears pick up as if hearing something from behind. He thought to himself that he should have tied Anestas to Storm Cloud more securely, but it was too late to turn back, for there was no room for him to maneuver past the wide warhorse. He attempted to speed up the pace, but that caused his horse to stop and resist his tugging. After some more soothing words of encouragement they proceeded on. He had moved several steps further, when he heard what the horse had heard earlier. The loud crackling of tree branches and brush as the enormous trolls got closer. 

There wouldn’t be any time left to go back for Anestas’ horse which was still on the other side. He would be lucky to make it across before the trolls scared all the horses, and they leapt to their deaths. He sternly grabbed the reins and gave Storm Cloud a hard pull to speed up the pace. He was just over half way when a loud squeal roared through the canyon. It was Beauty. The trolls had appeared from the cover of the forest and were now in sight. There was absolutely no hope for Beauty now. Anestas would be crushed.

Jacob kept moving forward, feeling more fear and anxiety rise up in his stomach, knowing it was going to affect his horse, but having no choice in the matter. The trolls approached closer. There were three of them from what he could see, two had Beauty cornered, and one approached the bridge. They seemed to have been slightly blinded from the bright sunlight, for they moved slower than in the forest. 

Jacob had just past the three-quarter mark when the inevitable happened. Beauty made its last horrible cry of terror before the trolls twisted its neck with a crack and then there was silence. As the trolls started to rip apart the horse’s limbs, Sabraya screamed at the ghastly sight.

 It was more than Storm Cloud could take, with the smell of trolls strong in the air and the height of the bridge, his horse began rearing up and Jacob immediately lost his hold. He struggled to bring the horse under control, but could only grab one rein. The horse was terrified. If he couldn’t calm the horse down, they would all die. He grabbed at the other rein, but missed when the horse reared up several more times. Jacob’s heart dropped as he saw his son slide down toward the horse’s rump. Time was of the essence as he grabbed the other rein, but didn’t get it pulled in before Anestas went rolling off the back of the horse. He landed with a thud as he hit the hardwood base of the bridge. Panic flooded through Jacob as he saw the gleeful grin of the troll beginning to cross the bridge.

 There was no way he could get by the horse to reach his son. His only hope was to get Storm Cloud off the bridge and go back for his son. Using all his strength, he forced his horse to cross with him. It took enormous effort, but within seconds he was tossing the reins to Sabraya and running back toward his son. 

The troll was close enough for Jacob to smell the stench oozing from its diseased skin. It was grunting with drool dripping from its mouth as it advanced; hungry for a kill after such a long chase. It was going to be close. He made it to Anestas and heaved him over his shoulder, which just about toppled them both over the rope railing. He steadied himself and started running back toward Sabraya. He winced with every agonizing step, the dead weight of his son making seconds seem like minutes from the sheer burden of it. He yelled to Sabraya, “Get my axe!” 

She scrambled to the saddlebag on Storm Cloud and snatched out his firewood axe. She rushed over as her father ran off the bridge dropping Anestas to the ground. Sabraya tossed him the axe as he quickly turned to the bridge’s support ties and severed the right side. Not even Elven rope could stand up to his firewood axe. 

The troll clutched the left side of the bridge support, fear washing over its face. Jacob turned and with a little hesitation, severed the left side. The bridge whistled as it dropped to the other side of the canyon to end with an echoing smash. The troll was knocked off the bridge, seemingly to fall endlessly to the bottom where no sound could be heard. 

Jacob slumped down to the ground breathing heavily, with sweat running down his face. He stared off toward the far side of the cliff, where the trolls were ripping apart what was left of Beauty, oblivious of their own loss. Sabraya had never before been so terrified. She tied Stormcloud to her own horse, and then knelt beside Anestas, turning him onto his back. He was still unconscious, but mumbling as his body trembled. Sabraya turned to her father, “He’s not waking up!”

“I’ll handle your brother, just tend to the horses. We’ll have to leave right away, if we’re going to make it to town before nightfall.” He got up from the ground where he had been sitting and dragged Anestas to a nearby tree to examine his head.

Sabraya searched her saddlebags for the water canteen and bowl. She was totally shaken up over the appearance of the trolls. She poured some water in the bowl and let the horses drink. They were very thirsty after running for so long and wanted more, but the horses still had a great distance to go, to reach the shelter of town. With the loss of Beauty and the supplies she had carried, they had to conserve water. After taking a drink for herself from the canteen, she walked over to her father. He was smearing healing herbs on a moist cloth, which he then tied to Anestas’ head. There was a huge knot where he had hit the low-hanging branch.

“Will he live?” Sabraya could hardly say it. Tears welled up in her eyes. After all that had happened, it was a miracle that they were all alive and hadn’t been devoured by trolls by now.

Jacob looked at his distraught daughter and replied, “It depends on how soon we can get him to the healers in town. I’ve put some of your mother’s herbs on his wound, but I don’t know if it’ll work on this type of injury.” Jacob looked worried as he said, “We should get going.” Sabraya helped her father get Anestas on Storm Cloud again, but this time he secured him tightly to the saddle. Once again they were headed down the path after one last glance at the other side of Deadman’s Canyon.

The going was slow in spite of their need to hurry. With the horses as tired as they were, broken ankles were not uncommon. The adrenaline wore off and fatigue set in as they journeyed on their way with small critters startling Sabraya as they scurried away.  They had to stop occasionally to rest and water the horses, but to save time they resorted to eating jerky and apples as they rode. It would take the remainder of the late day to arrive at their destination. 

When dusk approached Sabraya started to wonder if they would get there that evening. She might have nodded off to sleep except the lingering fear of the trolls kept her awake. The first stars appeared and Jacob lit two torches, handing one to Sabraya. Crickets started their night song along with the frogs and toads. Sabraya was having difficulty seeing the path, even with the moonlight and torch, when her father perked up and said to Sabraya, “The crossroads are just up ahead. We turn right there, down the hill, and we’re good as there. Thank the heavens.” 

Sabraya felt a fresh awakening in the good news. They picked up the pace and were soon out of the lower mountain forest and turning toward the meadows, which bordered the kingdom walls. Anestas would soon be in the healer’s hands where he could get proper attention and they could finally rest. Sabraya was ready for the nightmare to end.














© 2013 Lane Craver


My Review

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Featured Review

You have worked hard on this and it begged me to read it. You tell quite a tale my young friend. You sad you read slow, well at least you can read and that's all that's. Important to me. Great chapter. Could use a little smoothing but not much. If I found anything wrong I tell you and point it out. I love the length as well and expect novels like this to be long, so don't stress about it. My chapters run anywhere to 5-7 pages. Could be less if I took the white spacing out,but it makes easy for faster reading and editting. Moving on to the next chapter.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank You! And what can I say... You're the best! Thanks for all your support on this book, it truel.. read more



Reviews

I feel like the chapter's incomplete, and personally I don't care too much for traditional fantasy (dragons and trolls and wizards and the like) but your writing style had me interested anyway.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

no propblem on the critiques... I am currently working on changing the first few paragraphs 'cause it is way too dull for even me.. will take note on what you say, I like most of of it and your right, a gruff person would not look softly on someone... more like roll his eyes-Thanks!

Posted 9 Years Ago


...she was still having nightmares from it.
--in this sentence, you could probably lose 'from it' from it *grin*

...and then got ready for her morning routine.
--if you're not going to give us a bit of exposition on what this morning routine entails (and I beg you...please do not give us a bit of exposition on what this morning routine entails) you could probably lose this line. It's a bit clunky and gives information that does nothing to move the plot along.

She asked Anestas as he was passing through for more supplies
--this sounds like she is asking Anestas for more supplies; I wonder if you might word it differently. "She asked Anestas, who was passing through for more supplies,"

Father was in his usual gruff mood.
--and yet he just looked at Sabraya "softly".

Watch your paragraphs. You have action by one character in paragraphs dominated by other characters all over the place. When one character is through speaking, and/or acting and another starts, please give the other character his/her own paragraph. Even if it's only one line.

It was as tall as Jacob
--who is Jacob? If Jacob is Father, you should clarify this before you use his name.

Anestas and Sabraya each shrugged shoulders to signal their confusion.
--I think you could get away with just saying Anestas and Sabraya shrugged at each other. Trust your reader to know what this means. I get a little insulted when things this obvious are pointed out to me.

It was obvious he was making some sort of decision.
--yes...it was.

Meanwhile, their father was making his way...
--this chapter is so long I think you could lose the dreaded 'meanwhile' and either use asterisks to depict a natural breaking point or begin a new, shorter chapter.

As it is a natural breaking point, this is where I need to stop. You've got a good tale brewing and I'm pleased to read it, but with such long chapters I will need to break them up.

Hope my review, so far, was helpful. There are some who find my approach blunt. I find those who do are not ready to be critiqued and should publish their work in a blog, or someplace where feedback is not an option. If you'd like me to continue reading and giving feedback, I am more than happy to do so. If not...tell me to piss off. I can take it. *smile*

Good work so far. Keep working hard.
-kimmer

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Shep

9 Years Ago

Hey more than welcome to critique me, I have very tough skin.
KAOlmsted

9 Years Ago

Shep...if you're sure. I'll put you on my reading list. Been a while since I've tortured...errr..... read more
Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Cool.. Thanks for the review, I am not an expert of paragraph construction, or grammer for that matt.. read more
I love the the characters and how you implimented the trolls into it, it was really good reading it, I really did enjoy it, can't wait to start the next chapter

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank you! I like throwing stuff in that people don't expect
I can tell this is going to be a great story just by reading this chapter. I will read more later. Love the action sequence with the trolls. Now what is going to happen to the two through their quest?

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank you! I really like yours too... can't wait to read more!
You put a lot into the opening chapter. I like the characters and the conversations. I like the myths and story of magic. You had both in the chapter. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank you! This was actually chapter two when I first wrote it, but it has really turned out to be a.. read more
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Pax
what a magical thrilling chase for a first chapter. well done, enjoyed it.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank You! I enjoy writing to keep the reader on the edge of their seat
This is an awesome chapter. It is very well written and have a lot of amazing details. I really didn't find anything wrong. The grammar was fine. I wasn't confused about anything . Great job!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank you! I wrote this as an easy read without sacrificing the quality of excitement.
this is very well written and tells a detailed picture of a fantastic world. your writing makes it easy for the story to unfold across my imagination. well done :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank You! I really glad you enjoyed it!
You have worked hard on this and it begged me to read it. You tell quite a tale my young friend. You sad you read slow, well at least you can read and that's all that's. Important to me. Great chapter. Could use a little smoothing but not much. If I found anything wrong I tell you and point it out. I love the length as well and expect novels like this to be long, so don't stress about it. My chapters run anywhere to 5-7 pages. Could be less if I took the white spacing out,but it makes easy for faster reading and editting. Moving on to the next chapter.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lane Craver

9 Years Ago

Thank You! And what can I say... You're the best! Thanks for all your support on this book, it truel.. read more

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10 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on August 21, 2012
Last Updated on November 16, 2013
Tags: Lane Craver, Dark Prophecy, fantasy, adventure, horror, action, suspense, long book, deeply plotted


Author

Lane Craver
Lane Craver

Deep Volcano Valley, OR



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