FREE PREVIEW #1 :The Long Way.

Taylor and Scott are having a normal day of climbing, when events pull them into a whole new world. Check out the first chapter of The In The Blood Series for Free! Please Review

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think.
If you are interested in the full series. (THere is oh so much more) check out
Www.Inthebloodonline.Com

Reviews

[Lady]

Personally I have trouble with audio novels. And if you're looking for a review of any productive sort, I would recommend posting at least a chapter on this site in print format. That way it's much easier to read and understand.

Nonetheless, I did happen to watch a bit of the audio and enjoyed it. I liked how you illustrated and animated it so that if flowed with your words. Sometimes it was a bit hard to understand what you or the recorder was trying to say, it was very monotone sounding - I would have someone with an acting background who can enunciate clearly, to do a recording for it instead. With Audio's you really need someone who can get into character and make them seem real.

I'm hoping you will post a print version of this so I can get a better grasp on your story. It sounds interesting though from what I've seen and heard so far : ]

Lady

[kewlbluetiger]

Okay, not used to critting audio so bare with me!

I was pleasantly surprised. Your voice is easy to listen too. You did a good enough job differentiating between the characters in your approach to how the characters spoke. Taylor and Scott don't blend together, which is a danger with one speaker cast for both voices. You also worked in some effects (like the water sounds) that made it interesting. I didn't have the issues others did. (Maybe I have better audio on my computer?) I also don't buy-in on the idea that you can't read and orate your own work.

I say Kudos for you talent as a story teller.

I love the setting of the work. I think the choice of rock climbing signifies and solidifies the trust between the two. I felt by the end of the work, that I knew the two characters pretty well. Unfortunately I felt there were a few "info dumps" that impeded the flow of the story. Like when they were smoking we got a heavy dose of background information. While in audio this may be forgiving, on hard copy it might not. I realize you're trying to draw us into their relationship in a relatively short period of time, and that we were building to a significant climax. So overall it worked well.

I thought you did a good job of using their personal losses (girlfriends, deaths in family) to show how they were there for one another. Though because the flashbacks into their relationships were long winded, I did find myself wanting to get back to the climbing action, because you're so good and detailed at describing it.

I'm interested to know why you picked the omnipresent view. Though you leaned towards Taylor we got insight into Scotts feelings also. I think you did a good job holding the balance. In the future you may consider picking one of the characters, because you can reach deeper for emotions invoked by the friendship with the concentration within one or the other. (I hope that makes sense). Sometimes POV choice reveals itself in the development of the story. The omnipresent view does give us a sense of this pair's togetherness.

Overall I was interesting and wanting to read/listen to more. I tend to be a reader, where my wife is addicted to downloading books to her ipod. I'll be sure and listen to more soon. Great stuff, you must have a ton of fun putting these stories together. I hope this was helpful. Message me if you have additional questions or concerns.

kewlbluetiger

[X_Emo_Princess_X]

I would love to read it, but I have issues with audio novels. They aren't as good as the real thing. I agree with Lady that you should post a print version. Also, it says that just the first two chapters are free, and I am not going to pay to read something online no matter how good it is. Sorry.

[bobbycristo]

Wow! You paint a very vivid picture here. So vivid that i felt the audio moved too fast for me to soak up everything that the words had to offer. I would suggest maybe slowing down the audio, giving small pauses between lines and also providing a text version. I love how you accompanied the story with visuals, so i understand why you'd want to stick to just the audio version, but a text version allows readers to create their own visuals which is part of the fun.

Overall, your description are very powerful. I felt like i could see the events as they occurred. I am far from an expert, but in my opinion you have a ton of talent.

[Flo_writer]

This is entirely nice work here. I could see you put a lot of time and passion into this. I loved the artwork on the site that went along with the story. I do like audio novels but I prefer to read it myself as well. I suggest that you also include a print version on this site.

From what I gather from the audio this is a tale of two friends who lost nearly everyone they loved except each other. They became rock climbers and I think they use it as an outlet. I'm not sure weather they died at the end of the story as they were taken by the current but it's a safe assumption to say they did. It's kinda hard to judge an audio version of a story but I did enjoy it rather well. The passion was there and you spoke a bit higher at the few intense moments.

[Naomi Montana Walsh]

Whenever I write, I follow a few rules from Stephan King .. even though he is not my favorite writer I did enjoy his book " On writing" one thing that really stuck with me is he said to go over your work several times and toss out anything that absolutely does not contribute to the story..the other..is try to write so that the reader knows who is talking and what they would feel at a moment without having to tell them.
I confess I am not as dilegent as Mr King on that but I do try to keep it in mind.
I also , don't agree with all his suggestions, but I did feel that I heard the names used too often..there were a few spots where they could have been dropped .I agree that is would help to have a written copy so I could point them out. I guess because I am a woman i tend to like longer strings of dialogue.
I am horrible at discribtions , but I agree with another reviewer that the discription of the charactors is good up front and again, I don't tend to do this myself .. I love the audio poetry you do,, but really wished this one was written as I just don't tend to get into audio stories even when it is my favorite writer that is because I like the voice I create in my head for the charactors. So I don't know if I was much help as I guess that like some other reviewers I tend to turn off to audio books,

[Katherine Hall]

(please bear with me; I am writing this review as I listen to this chapter)

Audio novels/stories are very difficult for me to review, largely because one's voice through computer speakers doesn't really give the full quality of a story that the body of text can. However, given that you only have audio versions, I will do my best (I hope, though, that you will at some point post some of your work in text form here.)

There is, right away, a great deal of exposition and 'background' narration as your protagonists climb this rock. I don't know if it is just the speed with which you are reading this story, but it sounds very rushed, very jumbled. As a reader/listener, I don't know why ALL this information is here. Knowing that the two climb together often is important at this moment in the chapter. Knowing that they met in a library seems a bit superfluous. The fact that Taylor lost his family seems randomly and awkwardly placed.
The bit about the rock face/waterfall seemed well played, but I was distracted by the sound effects in the background.
Physical descriptions here come rather belatedly, and strangely placed after what sounds like a lead-up to a description of the view from the rock-face. Why, after talking about their accomplishment, do we suddenly start hearing about Taylor's dark hair and Scott's short build? Perhaps their descriptions can be worked into the action of the climb (ex: "Taylor scrubbed the sweat from his eyes, his dark hair sticking to his forehead" or similar?)
"X asked in return" rarely works as a device. Listening to the narrator 'say' it was jarring to the ear, and reading it would be jarring to the flow as well. Furthermore "Tiffany will be pissed if you do" (reference to climbing upper face) is not a question, and can't be "asked in return". It's a statement, that must be "replied" or "retorted".
(also, we know that Scott and Taylor have been good friends for a long time. Repeating this fact throughout the chapter becomes redundant.)
Mentioning Scott's loss of his mother so far after the loss of Taylor's family (which is already awkwardly placed in the story) is making an already complicated web even more complicated. At this point, I have no idea where the actual PLOT in this story is, and I am finding all the backstory, character descriptions, and narration both frustrating and a bit mind-numbing. I would recommend you find a way to limit or compact the narration as much as possible and let the story actually happen.
Taylor's girlfriend is a flimsy reference, and saying that his preference of being alone was 'not the whole truth' is absolutely unnecessary. Please let the reader learn some of these things for him/herself! Let these nuances of Taylor and Scott's personalities and relationship come out through action and dialogue! Less telling, more showing. There is too much passivity here.
On the whole, I'm afraid I had a hard time getting into this story. There was so much back-narration, and so much general 'talking' that by the time we got to a moment of action in the chapter (the boys falling over the waterfall, which was only sketchily described, lacked any sort of urgency in words and delivery, and felt largely unbelievable to me) I was already bored.
From a purely technical standpoint, I thought the moving animation in the background was interesting, but the sound effects made the voice even harder to hear than it already is. I really encourage you to post some of your work in text--it will be much easier for the critic to give an objective review when he/she is not frustrated by the static of the speakers and the tone of the narrator's voice.

I realize this is not a very pleasant review to read, but it seems to me you are quite serious about your writing projects, and I do not wish to give you empty praises. The premise of your story, from what I gather of this chapter, has a lot of potential. I would strongly encourage you to have someone edit the text itself so that that potential can be realized.

~Katherine

[Greg the Bard]

I have to concure with the critiques that came before me. I was a Air Traffic Controler in service and was taught to be monotone in our dealings with radio contact with incoming flights. Parts of your spech on the recorder are of this type ar monotone in nature. Being that as it is I did enjoy the first chapter very much on the third go round. I brlieve your story should not be judge on its first chapter. However I do think someone else should be reading it. I listen to books on tape all the time. I have a bit of a libary of books on tape. My wife is english and when she listens to the tapes laughs at the speaker makes a mistake on the tape. I got her to listen and she told me she like the flow but she too had a hard time keeping up with the plot.That says alot because she does voice over for commercials whitch demand a very high quality non-monotone script. There is a lot to be said about critique and most of it is bad but I've to your works and think this first reading doesn't live up to their quality. Still I give this good marks for the content. Let someone else read this. You may be standing to close to see the problems.

[Tim H]

I had to listen to the audio a couple of times to give a decent critique. I also much prefer a written script often someone reading will put inflections into a story that may not be apparent to another reader.It is also hard to cite examples without the text. The story is intriguing and has a lot of promise. I do have a few criticisms you may want to consider. One thing I noticed is the story used passive voice extensively, perhaps instead of was and had you choose more active verbs. Another point is that much of the story contains long narrative passages with a few short passages of dialogue. It might be better to reverse that and reveal the story through their dialogue. I don't sense a distinction between the two characters. Either character could be saying the lines. It might be helpful to try to give each character a distinctive voice. You may consider writing a screen play The story may work as a film or graphic novel either way you will need a script and a storyboard. That reminds me that Comic Con is in its third day about 40 miles south of here. Keep in mind I'm no expert just a guy that likes to read and write.

[Stacey Watts]

I liked this. The imagery you created with sound as the words created the story of Taylor and Scott. I found myself at the end intrigued and wondering what happened to them after that trip over the falls. Wow. very remarkable story.

[Aurora]

At first, I must admit, I was like "eeehhh..." because it was an audio, and I've had bad experiences with audios... some people have voices that are hard to listen to.

I found your voice smooth and easy to listen to. you also weren't monotonous, and you were enthusiastic when playing the characters' voices in your story.

the beginning was a little slow, but I actually started to feel bad for the one character, Taylor, and liked Scott as a person. Their relationship was visibly a very good one.

At the end of the chapter, I was staring at the computer like "wth?! they fell?!" and I was PISSED.
now I have to see what happens... I don't have a credit card or paypal, but we'll see what I can do.
Good job. Hope this review helped. :)