I closed my eyes

I closed my eyes and imagined you close

Imagined your smile, your laugh, your kiss

I dared to think of what life would be

A life with you, with me, for us

 

I closed my eyes and felt you close

So real, so beautiful, so perfect

I dared to touch your perfect hands

Embracing their love and safety

 

I closed my eyes and dreamt of you

But nothingness wrapped my mind in darkness

I dared to face my reality

No dream could ever capture your essence

Author's Note

Please be completely honest! I really want my poetry skills to improve :)

Reviews

[emmajoy]

'But nothingness wrapped my mind in darkness' - such great emotion in so few words; doubt in and of love so often results in the most beautiful poetry.

I write free verse so am hardly expert, but try to find a distinct rhythm line to line, also, words don't have to rhyme but echo a sound. There are so many superb poets in the Cafe, perhaps, when you have time, you could read a few and also see what their reviewers have added

Otherwise I'm pretty sure your obvious ability and sensitivity will find its own way.

[Mia]

Thank you Emma :) There are so many amazing poets on her and I love reading their stuff. I try to learn for all of my favourites. I also think the more I write the better it will become. Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate them and I will definitely read the reviews of the poems I enjoyed, I never considered that :) I appreciate your time and comments very much!

[Relic]

From the outset, I was impressed with your rhythm which seemed to flow nicely. The third stanza's second line threw me off a tad being it was longer than expected. Perhaps you could find a synonym for the phrase "wrapped my mind in darkness" that's shorter. But that's just a suggestion.

I like the idea of starting off each stanza with the words--I closed my eyes... It implies that the speaker is so involved in thoughts of her desired one, each stanza might represent a different day.

The sentiments of the final stanza portray the feelings and character of the speaker. She has come to the conclusion that he is out of her reach and must settle for life without him with the words: No dream could ever capture your essence.

After reading it, I found the the viewpoint of the speaker could vary from 'you' to 'him':

I closed my eyes and imagined him close

Imagined his smile, his laugh, his kiss

I dared to think of what life would be

A life of him, with me, just us.


I closed my eyes and felt him close...ect


I think you did a fine job of depicting your/the speaker's feeings and as I can see, others feel the same.

[Mia]

Thanks for your review and suggestions, they are much appreciated :)

[Relic]

:)

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Fantasizing is nice but nothing beats reality when it comes to love... a beautiful poem with a touch of heart break.

[Mia]

You're so right! Thanks so much.

[BIIKAY]

so pretty!! i enjoyed reading this!!!

[Mia]

Thanks so much :)

[Priscilla Sayers]

A piece that brightens the heart and honors the one you love, "no dream could ever capture your essence.." Great write!

[Mia]

Thank you so much :) it's very kind of you to say! I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this!

[Priscilla Sayers]

My pleasure dear poet:)

[John Phoenix Hutchinson..]

A simple, non complex poem, this is not a criticism. I enjoyed its purity, its freshness, very much indeed and have given it a high rating.

[Mia]

Thank you very much :) thats very kind of you!

[MOON]

This is a lovely delicate write full of hope and love.

[Mia]

Thank you :)
I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review it!

[Caradoc]

If we never dreamt of the things we wanted, we would never move forward in life. Desire is the fire of life.

That is one facet of the diamond that is this piece. Another might be how reality seldom measure up to our dreams. That is why humans constantly strive for change. We seek to invent, to improve, to make our dreams real.

Nice write.

-Caradoc

[Mia]

Thank you :)
Reading this review was like reading a piece in itself :) thank you taking the time to read and review this...it means a lot!

[Caradoc]

Well thank you. I sometimes wax poetic when I speak. You're most welcome. You have talent.

[andreii93]

This is a good poem :)

[Mia]

Thank you :)

[Antonio Valentino]

life is dream, shrouded in hope..

without it, we would be without faith and things to reach for

dont ever stop wanting to imagine..

its only our soul trying better to understand..

this was lovely Mia

there is everything right with wanting to know truth, and happiness..

sometimes our reality is born, with a dream

wonderful you
:)

[Mia]

You my friend are too cool for school! Thank you :) "sometimes our reality is born, with a dream) I love that!!

[Antonio Valentino]

hahah.. you're too funny lol

:)

[Pax]

its good you have tried poetry, i think this is free-verse, it has a smooth with an emotional flow. I started my poetry with rhyming, now i dont used it much. need
to improved the vocabulary as you know english is not really my native tongue. its not my first and not even second. oh well enough talk with that. back to the poem. for me what is important with poetry are our emotion then next is the imagery or rhyming, that's all i know im not that of an expert just what i learned for this past few months.
hm.. a long distance relationship maybe or just dreaming to be with that person?
this is great just the right amount of words to describe what you are feeling.

[Mia]

Wanting what was.
Thanks for the review friend!
Poetry has helped your English because for someone who doesn't speak English as their first or second language you do wonderfully!