Fifty Million Tonnes:Chapter 1

A young boy's realisation as he is sent to work in places he barely knew existed.

Click.

 

Click.

 

Click.

 

      This time Sebastion carefully placed the clock on the table. His quivering hands pushed the punchcard in, putting pressure on the spring inside. He waited, still shaking. The machine started whirring and he burst into a smile. His master, Humphrey Potter, also smiled but in a less enthusiastic manor.

 

" I did it!" Seb shouted with both relief and happiness." I completed the punchclock, the apprentice piece!"

 

"Not quite yet." Muttered Humphrey. His hand traced the part of the punchcard sticking out of the machine. Then, He glanced at the display. "577" He muttered, Inaudible.

 

"Yes, It is completed" He announced." As you know, It will not be sent to the mainframe to become part of the Calculus"

 

"I still cant believe that i did it!" Said sebastion."An actual punchclock!"

 

"Well, I hate to say it Seb ; i think you've earned these." Said Humphrey as he tossed something across the room into Sebastion's open hands.

 

The aprpentice peered into his hands to realise he was no longer an apprentice. A pair of goggles were sitting in his hands, staring at him. They had an adjustable leather head strap, Orange lenses, A brass tube in which the lenses sat and a turn wheel and cogs on each side for adjusting the lenses. The leather that held it all together was bolted onto the brass components.

 

The dull glasses gleamed in his eyes because it meant he had become a steamer, A low rank one but a steamer all the same. We would repair the machines for all the people of the entire ship, right here in humphrey's workshop.

 

He tried them on and, much to his delight, They fitted perfectly. He walked over to his mentor and embraced him to show his gratitude.

 

After that, Humphrey went on to describe that as Seb went up in rank, he would be given components to add to his goggles. He could attach them in any way he pleased but it served an instant indication as to what his rank was. The more parts he had, the more respect he needed to be given.

 

After about another hours work, he was given a book and told to read it every night before we went to bed. Then he was instructed to go do both of those things as Humphrey was as well.

 

As he walked home, all he could hear was nothing but his own ringing footsteps on the metallic surface. The faint light produced from the luminous mushrooms was a strange green colour and it distorted the colour of the floor surface, Turning it a sluggish brown rather than a gleaming bronze.

 

He twisted the wheel which opened the door leading to the apartment corridor. When he did, a hiss of steam was let out of the mechanism. He did the same for his apartment door and collapsed onto his bed.

 

 The book flopped onto the floor and fell open onto page 577.

 

A/N: Thanks for reading Chapter 1 of Fifty Million Tonnes and i hope you read the prologue too. The mentor of Sebastion is named after Humphrey potter, A boy who, in common legend, who was charged with opening and shutting the valves of a steam engine. However, he the automated the system using cords and catches. Also the description of the goggles was meant to be as close as i could to the goggles in @john_chan 's profile picture because he is awesome! :)

 

Reviews

[Alleyway Rover]

You’ve got some cool images here, I am intrigued by the world you are starting to show us. The biggest thing I see right now is there’s no conflict pushing the story forward from here.

Your main character sort of has a goal, I think. He’s looking to rise up in the ranks aboard this ship to become… … I really don’t know that either. He’s looking to rise in the ranks, that’s all I know.

The first chapter really should do three things. It should introduce the character, and you did that. It should introduce the conflict that will become the basis of this story and it should do both in a way that brings the reader into your story. Often, the first chapter is the deciding factor for whether or not someone is going to continue reading. Hook ‘em now or lose them forever.

I also read your prologue and, honestly, I have no idea what you were trying to say or do with it. 9 times out of 10 a prologue is unnecessary. It is suppose to be a little extra information to help your reader get more of the reading experience. That means its something that can be skipped without affecting the story at all. If it is information that is absolutely critical to the story… well then it probably needs to be part of the story.

Hope this helps, good luck moving forward with this. It’s a cool world, I’d like to see what you do with it.

[MrRobato]

Thank you! This has helped quite a bit :)

[James Marino]

I'm also intrigued by the images here. I would suggest panning out a bit and giving us a bit more of the world you are building. What are the sounds and smells of the ship. Don't overdue it, but do it in context of what is driving your character and what the conflict is. Perhaps you could use your short prologue as a flashback to what happened last time he tried to complete the punchclock. Why is it important that he finished this apprenticeship? Is it for his survival? Is it a personal goal? Is it to help someone else? Give me a reason to keep reading about this character.

[MrRobato]

Thank you for your feedback!

[Nick.B]

Interesting first chapter, not bad at all, good job

[MrRobato]

There's a prologue too you know?

[Nick.B]

I've read it

[MrRobato]

Oh sorry I just got confused because you said first :)

[Nik]

It comes off as cheesy when you talk about putting pressure on the spring using a punchcard which starts a display saying 577 to be sent to the mainframe as calculus or whatever. I have no idea what is going on, and its just comes off as nonsense.
Otherwise your writing is very good.