Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A Chapter by Natalie

   A young woman sat on the swing, moving back and forth gently with the wind. Her ink black hair was tied into a low poyntail, her grey eyes as bright as a winter's day. She sang softly to herself, "I'm strong, I live through the pain. I'll get through this day."
   A man walked up to her and took her hand, sitting on the swing beside her's. His light blonde hair shone in the sunset, his pale green eyes were kind. He looked at her and smiled, "What are you doing out here, Mary?"
   She smiled at him. She tugged her hand away and wrapped both hands around the chain, pushing herself away from the ground. She giggled to herself as she went higher. She closed her eyes and slowed herself to a stop, looking beside her at the empty swing. A pair of hands wrapped around her waist and she smiled, leaning back. "Can't I come see you every once in a while?"
   "Mary, you are one very strange woman." He chuckled, moving his arms from around her waist.
   "Oh? How so?" She asked turning around to look at him. But he was gone, no footprints were left in the warm sand. He sat in the swing beside her, making her shake her head.
   "One, you want to visit a vampire." He said laughing, "Two, you're a werewolf." He shook his head and smiled at her, his fangs glinting in the sun. "Do you not see anything wrong with that?"
   "What's so wrong in us being friends, Nate?" Mary asked, a smiled plastered on her face. She raised her eyebrow at him.
   "We're not supposed to get along." He said quietly, his eyes closing. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. She got up and yanked on his wrist, pulling him over to a bench. 
   "Just because our parents don't get along..." She started and he sighed, frowning at her.
   "And our parents and grandparents and so on." He said, but she cut him off bye shaking her head. She wrapped her fingers around his hand and sighed sadly, looking at the ground.
   "I get it, but why can't we change that?" She pleaded, fighting the tears that came to her eyes. "Why can't we change that, Nate? I hate all of this fighting, it's pointless. Nobody even knows what started it, so why can't we finish it?"
   "Mary, I don't know how we can finish it, but I know we can try, and they can't do anything to stop us." He chuckled, bringing her flesh against his side, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. They looked at the setting sun, and closed their eyes. "You coming back tomorrow?"
   "Is tomorrow another day?" She asked, standing up and stretching her arms to the sky. She smiled at him and gave him a hug, grabbing her bag from the back of the bench.
   "Yes." He laughed at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek, making her wipe her cheek in feigned disgust.
   "Then I will always come back." She smiled and walked down the little hill and around the fence, disappearing from sight.



© 2008 Natalie


Author's Note

Natalie
Spelling? Grammar? Are the characters believable? Come on people, I want harsh critism(?).

My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Featured Review

I think that it was an overall good start and that the other two people who commented pretty much got the critisisms down. Just work on more detail, the reasons for happenings in your story (ex:) "She wrapped her fingures." "You totally spelled this wrong. It's "fingers". But what did she wrap her fingers around? His hair? His hands? Was she cringing her hands together in fear of being discovered with a vampire?" and build it up around the frame. Think of it as laying the foundations of a house, give your story a rock solid base, then build it up with the sturdy wood, fixtures and the works. I think you have great potetial in this story! Can't wait to read more, great job!


Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

this was told so nice ,mary was a light hearted person ..
she sat in a swing,going back and forth with the wind,hair in a ponytail,gray eyes bright as a winter day
as a man walked beside ,he looked and smiled...
she wrapped her hands around the chain,giggled as she pushed herself away from ground higher
and saying cant we ever meet now and then ,and he replies that we are far apart no one will agree
this was written so nice like poetry ,i wish if you could only elaborate more on both their character to make them look much more alive
the story holds well and so nice,i loved reading it..
lovely write..

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think that it was an overall good start and that the other two people who commented pretty much got the critisisms down. Just work on more detail, the reasons for happenings in your story (ex:) "She wrapped her fingures." "You totally spelled this wrong. It's "fingers". But what did she wrap her fingers around? His hair? His hands? Was she cringing her hands together in fear of being discovered with a vampire?" and build it up around the frame. Think of it as laying the foundations of a house, give your story a rock solid base, then build it up with the sturdy wood, fixtures and the works. I think you have great potetial in this story! Can't wait to read more, great job!


Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think fiction writing has to be the most challenging and you have a good framework but need to fill in the detail. I mean who are you and what is your every day experience of the world and then how do you reflect that by the examples you use or comparisons you make or similarities you draw. You are helping the reader relate to the characters but also gain trust and affection for you by being genuine and sincere and letting what is ever present in your brain come through. People want to peer into your soul and learn about your characters through your lens.


Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

"A young woman sat on the swing, moveing back and forth gently with the wind." There was no need for the "E" in moving.
"She wrapped her fingures." You totally spelled this wrong. It's "fingers". But what did she wrap her fingers around? His hair? His hands? Was she cringing her hands together in fear of being discovered with a vampire?
"He chuckled, bringing her flush against his side, his arm wrapped around her shoulders." I think you meant 'flesh' and not 'flush'. And speaking of this sentence--you make it seem like Mary was naked. I don't think that's what your intentions were, but maybe you should describe what they're wearing.
"He laughed at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek, making her wipe her cheek in fained disgust." I think you meant "feigned." Tell me, why "feigned" disgust? It seems like to me that these two are in love, or at least friends.

I hope this review helped, you're very good at your craft. I cannot wait to see the next chapter. However, as for your characters, I can't tell if they are believable or not for the moment. I mean, one minute the girl is happy about seeing her friend, and the next, tears are springing to her eyes, it was kind of a quick transition with the feelings. Once again, can't wait to read chapter two!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

213 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Added on December 11, 2008
Last Updated on December 13, 2008


Author

Natalie
Natalie

Don't Blink, anyone that's ever been here knows what I mean, GA



About
I'm just... Me. I love writing, it's one of my passions. I've been writing since I can remember, but that doesn't go past third grade. It started out as stories of horses, then it went to fanfiction, .. more..

Writing
Trapped Trapped

A Book by Natalie


Prologue Prologue

A Chapter by Natalie