CHAPTER ONE

Battered LED lights perch atop the rusted iron arch marking the frowning entryway. The pitiful weak-pulsed bulbs trace the half-lit title Cinquefoil. From the mouth of the gate a vomit of forgotten tales and unraveled mysteries wash over you. You can tell once life inhabited the barren pile of rust, weeds and scattered bolts.   

Once upon a time you could find the Cinquefoil by sense of smell. Your nose would lead you to the once fully luminescent entrance and an inviting waft of deep fried dough and melted Monterey Jack cheese would toy with your olfactory epithelium. At that point you’d have realized how empty your stomach was and with no food to muffle the messy internal process of peristalsis, a sonorous growl would penetrate through the skin. But before releasing the gluttonous beast inside you the adrenal gland patched to your kidney would flap open to release adrenalin. The hormone would sweep throughout your body and excitement would accelerate your heart rate. Your prefrontal cortex would’ve battled the options between the Ferris Wheel, Tilt-A-Twirl, Bumper Cars and more. Squeals, laughs, screams and shouts of delight would emit from the Cinquefoil’s vocal chords. Once upon a time you’d have entered the Cinquefoil in your poodle skirt or pink plaid shirt and been completely swallowed mind, body and soul into its interiors to join the strenuous effort to keep the pumping organism functioning.

All we’re left with now is a memory. A rustle in the breeze carries the faint jingle of fifty year deceased laughter. The once delicious smell of the past is overridden by damp rust and vermin leftovers. We are left with a sorry, decomposing corpse of the 1950’s thriving Cinquefoil.

“Life is a cycle Mary and death cannot possibly break this never ending circle.  Death is just the part on the loopty roller coaster where you dive into a dark tunnel. Can’t see, but still there. You are always lingering about when you are dead. You inhabit thoughts, souls, picture albums and memories. The people who love you keep you alive. The people who hate you keep you alive. Anyone you’ve ever had an impression on keeps you alive. Death is just a scary word to put old farts like me into fret.” A hearty chuckle. I look into my aunt’s swelling pupils and cry. The paperworks are done and now I am tucked under my aunt’s wing. She has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and Asperger Syndrome. She’s obsessive over her candy bar wrapper collection and is an impulsive gambler. People just think she’s insane. I think her thoughts make more sense than anything her caffeine-ridden co-workers could muster.

“C’mon lets make this as quick as possible.”
“I’m seeing a major flashing red sign about 50 square feet saying STOP and DANGER.”
“Hit hard on the bong again Jill?”
“F**k off.” I hit Daniel. He should know not to prod at the raw nerve. Eight months of loyal rehab routines are not just about to get slapped in the face.
“Lets do this.” I grab onto Jillian’s soft, plump hand and warily let myself get consumed by Cinquefoil's canker sored mouth.

Author's Note

Continue book or not?

Reviews

[grady sedgwick]

hi, pilar, a few comments and suggestions for you. toss out any that don't fit your vision of the story. in the opening, the use of second person may add a little to much distance. and then in the third paragraph you switch from "you" to "we". and then you switch to a litany of advice/observations . . . "Death is just the part on the loopty roller coaster where you dive into a dark tunnel." oh yeah, who says? anyway, you may be laying it on a bit too thick here at the start. the next part is the dialogue. it works well. you do a good job with the flow and it sounds natural.

overall, i'd suggest that you rewrite this more simply rather than trying to be creative. do away with the creative shifts in perspective, and maybe consider closing the distance some between the narrator and the reader. for instance: instead of this, "The hormone would sweep throughout your body and excitement would accelerate your heart rate." ......try this, "The hormone sweeps throughout the body and excitement accelerates the heart rate." i don't know, just something to think about, or not :)

keep at it,
grady

[DavidRyan]

Definitely continue it. I would love to see where these characters are going. The one thing I love is when you can introduce a small but vital character into the story that shows up and leaves just as quickly -- the whole thing about the aunt was nothing short of brilliant. I hope you continue with this. Your writing is pure brilliance, dear.

[Jean P. Prudhomme]

Yes. I enjoyed it quite a lot...is it a first or second draft? i see some lines that can use tweaking but overall it's an excellent start......i'm intrigued...i know we're not supposed to ask but how old/young are you...your photo...>..... regardless, I encourage you to continue....