Ch 1. The little girl

Are we nothing but a horde of laborers solipsistically wandering through a world utterly intent upon destroying us and placing us into convenient stereotypes that marginalizes our very reason for being? At least that’s what I think but I’m probably wrong for anything that attempts to describe this world in one sentence probably is. However it is in mine nature to wonder and now I have all the time in the world to do so.

To the casual reader my name is Anton Yevel, an odd name but then again I'm Jewish and from Portland so you understand. Though I have gone through a series of events which have led me astray from my place of birth. Perhaps I should state where I'm at now, well I’m currently in Alaska a couple of miles outside Jeuno on the yellow trail and Im wanted for theft, arson, conspiracy to murder, accessory to murder, public indecency and a lot of other things. In general it seems I'm screwed but know this I did what I did for the mere sake of it. Now I know that is not a very good justification but in my heart there was always some wild chaotic energy wishing to express itself. When someone told me “don’t do that,” I immediately did it. However, there was a women whose face streamlined all the chaos in me into a love so passionate that if it were to become manifest supernovas would seem like mere dust balls in its wake.

My hand strays as I write for I feel the emptiness approaching again and nothing around to fill it with. There exists a void in me that nothing has been able to fill, neither knowledge, religion, spirituality, sex, drugs, alcohol nor even love. Well that seems as good a place to start as any to start my introspective analysis of my life, at the age of eight I fell in love.

I was eight years old when I committed my first crime and fell in love at the same time. I was at a mall with my mother in Portland and I had wanted a transformer action figure, megatron to be exact. My parents though did not want to buy it, even though I begged and pleaded with them to the point that I had caused quite a scene at the toy store. In a fit of madness I even thought that if I began to undress and cry violently at the same time she would at some point crack. Her resilience was commendable for even as I extorted every hateful remark from my pre-pubescent vocabulary and began to expose my naked body to the public, she stood reticent. Anyways, as I began to realize how steely my mothers resolve was I just got up and ran out of the store. Now we were in a mall and there was a sort of playpen area nearby with swings, slides and all those other adolescent monkey toys. I ran there and hid underneath a slide, I remember it was red and the light coming in through the skylight area in the roof would reflect through it creating ripples of red and white light around me. It felt almost as though I were back in the womb underneath that slide, with only my racing heartbeat to keep me company. Then I saw her, a blonde little girl with a white dress climbing one of those ladders on the side of the jungle gym. She came up to me and saw me panting, sweating and in an obviously nerve wrecked condition and asked me "Are you all right?" This inquiry merely made me stare at her for a little bit, but she just stood there smiling back. It was the most calming site I had ever experienced in my life. Even as I look at my life now it all seems like white noise surrounding this one profound and unique moment in time. Oh how cliche I know it is to have fallen in love at first sight but I hope that to be the only one in this story. Anyways there I was under the slide looking upon that smile which marginalized my toy to utter insignificance. I then took the toy I was holding, threw it aside and got up to the girl, looked her straight in the eye and said "ehhh, just chilling, cool slide right?" She then stood back a moment and looked at me with wary eyes, a surprisingly mature stare that you would only expect to see on an adult who is on guard; yet I'm still impressed how well at this moment she was able to master this mature countenance.

"Why are you naked?" she asked, which was a fair question at the time.

"Well I was hot and my clothes feel tight." She laughed a bit at this and then said "my names Julia, what’s yours?" That name once uttered would ring upon the pangs of my heart with every syllable. The feeling I got from hearing that name can only be compared in my desensitized adult years to the same feeling I would get perhaps from a thunderous orgasm. Anyways I stood there for what were probably a few awkward seconds but felt like an eternity at the time, then I elicited the response "Anton, enchante mademoiselle." I was trying to sound fancy and I was also thinking of that film where the cartoon dog and the lady dog, well b***h, slurp the spaghetti through their mouths and kiss in France. I kind of wished I was a dog and she were a b***h and we were in France eating spaghetti. An odd thought I know, but as a child and as an adult my mind is always racing through weirdness.

However I digress, after I said that adolescent attempt at courtship, she laughed and said "you should really put some clothes on." It was strange but it was only at that moment that I realized that my member was exposed, at which point I covered it with my hands. Then I said "Well your kind of right and its kind of cold in here." It was odder still that as I said those words I could not even for the life of me remember why I was underneath the slide to begin with; it was as though looking upon her face had awoken me from strange dream. However, it was not a dream and I was about to receive a rude awakening when at that moment I heard a whistle and saw my mothers extremely angry countenance with a security man next to her.

That was the first time I met Julia, our paths would not cross again though for another 4 years. It is strange but when I look back at those four years, I cannot remember a thing. I cant remember my birthdays, those fights in school, the fights at home, school, everything was mere noise. The moment I met Julia felt like I had woken up from some dream and when she left I was back asleep hearing the white noise of the world and its events passing me by. I merely went with the flow unwittingly not knowing that I had fallen in love.

It takes only a few seconds to fall in love when your young because you are completely open and innocent. The state of mind a child is not naive as many people believe but rather it is enlightened beyond measure for they live still in the garden and have not tasted the bitter fruit of good and evil. To them things do not exist upon some moral code or ethic, they just live without guilt or insecurities or any of the other baggage that life heaps relentlessly on ones back mercilessly, till the point we are but shadows of those great people we were when we were born.

It was the end of august, school was starting again. My mothers agitation could be felt resonating throughout the house. It was manifest even when she was not in sight, for even the walls seem to worry and tell you "she is right around the corner." I should explain though my mother is Jewish and is quite stereotypical one as well. She does everything to save every dime even though she makes a seven figure salary working for a successful law firm. To give an example to what lengths she goes, she rigged the electrical wiring in the wall to bypass the meter so she would not have to pay that much electricity. The city eventually found out though, but being a rich lawyer has its perks, so she not only won the case but made the city pay for the electrical repairs. However being a Jew was not what made her a nervous wreck, though it did help, rather it was my father being killed when she was pregnant. Now she has developed tendencies that have made her an insufferable women which at times makes you feel like she has a pillow over your head at all times. She always was on the move and could not ever slow down or stop screaming at whomever she was close to, whenever I hear a shriek or scream I think of my mothers loving voice.

Her screams carried me through my youth, to the point that I would sometimes scream at people, not out of anger but because it reminded me of her. This made me an hyper and unsociable little child, I found the quiet and undramatic activities of young children to be disturbing. I craved chaos and needed it for that was akin to love for me. That day though something happened, I saw her again, in my class no less. My heart was beating so fast it could power a city, for a second I thought I would die. I did not here her introduce herself or the other kids say hi, rather all I heard were loud beating drums that made the Beijing Olympic ceremony seem a noiseless and reclusive monastery. The beating was in my head, my fingers, my stomach, my groin I was on the verge of exploding and then I blurted out "I love you," after which I fainted.

I then had a dream, actually it was not a dream but rather an experience that felt more real to me than life itself. I stood upon a ocean shore that was straight as can be and went on as far as I could see. The sand at my feet was not course but rather it caressed them, warmed them, comforted them, like little balls of energy. The ocean waves would crash against one another but the sound was melodic, soothing something inside you, that fear we all have inside slipped away with the waves. The water was a dark blue and not very transparent but its unknown depths did not scare me, rather I felt I knew what was there; it felt more clear to me than the worlds most polished diamond or clear sky. The sun was bright but not blinding, it was not warm either rather its light just seemed to soothe and caress me; it kept in the perfect state. Everything that was behind me though was shrouded in light, there was land but the light was shrouding it and the glare was making it impossible to see it. I then had a conversation with something that was not receptive to sight but rather only to feelings. It was a pure conversation devoid of the medium of language or sight, we merely exchanged raw emotions with one another, and understood each other perfectly. However let me attempt to put into words those feelings, it began

-"this is nirvana, would you like to stay here?"

"yes and no, I'm confused. I feel that I should and should not at the same time."

"That is because both answers are right, I offer you this chance this once because you deserve it."

"I don't understand"

"You do not have to live anymore, your life will entail with it much suffering and many times you will want to come back here if you leave. It is not so much a mercy but a helping hand. Your consciousness and memories will slip away from you, you will evolve and become peace, tranquility. All those things that people fear, the frustration of having an ideal but never realizing it,that emptiness you feel will slip away from you."

"What about my love, will I never see her again."

"As you currently perceive it no. Rather you will become that feeling."

"I cannot leave her."

"Know that if you choose to stay, you will suffer greatly. You do not need to bear the cross of this life, there will be others."

I sat on the floor and grabbed the sand in my hands, they did not feel like normal sand but rather droplets of energy caressing my fingers. I looked straight at the sun and saw some images fly by my mind of which I cannot remember but I remember how they felt. It was as if all the feelings that I would experience in my life came at me in an instant. Tears fell from my eyes like a stream and I could feel it connecting with the ocean. I then looked up and asked

"What about her?"

I felt a sense of joy fill me up, whatever divine being or personal delusion I had was apparently happy with this question.

"They will be happy if you go back to her."

I closed my eyes then and imagined myself back in the real world. I then felt as though I were going back through a tunnel that was shrinking as I moved along it; then I saw a light. Many times later I would curse this being for not giving me the full story but then again I had known, I saw it on the face of the sun, I just could not bear to hear it at that time.

Author's Note

All critique is welcome, especially the good kind because I run on props.

Credit of the painting goes to MICHAEL & INESSA GARMASH.

Reviews

[Achaicus]

Damn, i read so un interesting stories on this site, very few gave me that spark to intrique me. And even if I am not from english speaking countries, I can tell the difference between a bad and a good story. Your's is not in either. You go beyond that. Thank you, I am glad to come across this art of yours. Thank you very much.

[Rose of many colours]

I had one read,This piece made me laugh, it grasp my attention where I was engrossed in it."From the child's development there is core pathology, the man is now in a position to address that underdeveloped stage and move on to prime adaptive ego quality..there is a lot of twist and turns that the story take.. good.it can be used as a tool to help to study social issues in society understand how to solve them..i am about to graduate from UWI. with a certificate in Social Work. hence the reason my comment..the body reveal such to me..Moonera

[Coyote Poetry]

-"this is nirvana, would you like to stay here?"
"yes and no, I'm confused. I feel that I should and should not at the same time."
"That is because both answers are right, I offer you this chance this once because you deserve it."
I enjoyed the story. I raised four kids and now I babysit three grand-boys. In the summer. The boys would run naken if I allowed. The definition of solipistically is "The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known and verified. 2. The theory or view that the self is the ..." A interesting word. I enjoyed the complete story. Feel like the story is based on real life. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[RenatoRojo]

Thanks for the review and clearing that up about solipsistically. Damn microsoft I knew I was using it right.