Ch 2. A mothers heart

I woke up in a hospital bed, my mother in a chair beside me with her head on the bed sleeping. There was also Julia and her mother sitting by the window in the corner. My head felt like it had been ceaselessly battered by hammers, more than one to be sure. I called out to my mom and she instantly woke up and hugged me so tight I felt like I would faint. She had tears in her eyes I could feel them running along her face to mine, I felt like her ocean. There was also my sun standing in the corner, she came over to me with bright blue curious eyes. She did not say anything, we just looked at each other and had a small silent conversation. My mom then told me how I had been out for three days with a fever, that I had caught some rare bacteria that was antibiotic-ally resistant. She asked me if I had done anything that I had done that might have caused it.  To be honest I could have caught it from any number of things like the class hamster I put in my mouth and tried to run away with, or the ants I put in my mouth in order to shoot through a straw to my teacher, or the microscope slides I licked in science class. There were too many causes to count, thus I just said nothing. My mom did not care, she was just glad that I was alive. I was even happier though for she was there. I looked at her and her mother began talking,

 

"she was really worried about you, she begged me to come here and then has not wanted to leave since."

 

Julia then looked at her mother slightly angry and embarrassed at the same time. My mother then moved over a bit to give them some space and said "Anton this is Julia and Monica." 

Julia then looked at me and asked "You said you loved me, why?"

 I looked at her quite serenely and thankfully for addressing the query which had been looming over us for what seemed an eternity.  "I don't know, I just felt like it was bursting out of me and I would die if I did not say it."

 The mother looked touched, almost as though she were about to cry. Julia came over to me and hugged me, she whispered in my ear "I'm glad your ok." Her breath caressing my ear and the touch of her skin I realized then I had quite an erection which I covered up by moving my knees up. Nobody really noticed though, they all seemed to be moved by this little scene of young love. Monica then invited me and my mother to dinner the following night to celebrate my recovery. The ceremonial dance of courtship had begun.

 

I look back at that moment when the women I was sure would be my wife was leaving the room with such envy. At that moment I felt so certain of the world, of God and the path I had to travel. Absolutely sure, without a single doubt in my mind that I was right, that my experience with divinity or whatever had happened for one purpose only to set me on the right path.  I never believed in God up to that point, but then I realized that God is not something that is written down or can be seen or has any code. Rather it was quite simple he simply was and I felt him when I saw her eyes, those eyes which seemed to take me back to that shore, to that sun, that bliss. When she looked at me one last time before she left, while she was by the door it felt as though it etched itself upon eternity. For a moment time froze and I have lived in that moment ever since. I was blessed for I found my love while I was young and was able to enjoy it in its purest form.

 

How joyful I feel recalling that time, I write it here now and it seems to still be alive. I feel the intensity of it all as though it were happening right now. The fear though of it ending, of reliving the loss is too much to bear. How I shiver as I write this, wishing to extend every word, every sentence to infinity before the collapse, before my innocence was shattered, before my trust was destroyed, before I cursed God, before the world ended for me. However I must write, I write for my life whose impending doom shadows every second of my thought and can only find relief in reminiscing.

 

The following dinner was ordinary and yet extraordinary. The words spoken were ordinary yet the looks that me and her glanced translated into a language that mankind has yet to translate. Every movement we made had meaning, every thought we had was communicated. Those thoughts were dirty yet at the same time innocent for they were devoid of any action but the desire to be one. The social conditioning hid our every thought we did not yet know how to express. We were in some alternate universe communicated with one another in a language that was not yet or ever will be understood. Every fabric of our being longed to unite with its source.

 

The words were spoken mostly amongst our parents. I had met her father during this meeting, he was a gruff, silent persona from Minnesota here for a reason he could not fully define. Whenever asked, David would answer with a vague yet different response. Asked directly he would say "the jobs are better here" and indirectly he would answer saying how better the nature here or how much free time he had. How sad I found this man whose life had yet found meaning and thus was forced to convince himself that he had, however I did not yet understand him. Her mother Monica gave the sense of vague affection towards him. I say vague for there was a kind of falsehood to it. I remember wondering at the time if whether we would become that way, always trying to reignite an old flame that was merely an illusion. However her eyes spoke of eternity to me. What was I to do at such a young age but stand in awe in the eye of infinity? That being which most of us will never meet because we told our souls to stay quiet and tried to make our flesh talk.

 

In its grasp I stood during that dinner, merely quite in awe but at the same time acting like a robot saying the frivolities that life demands from a casual conversation like if whether I liked school or if I did any sports. Could these people not understand I thought, I was talking to the divine and she was responding. There was nothing but material and people standing in between my destiny; to become one. Looking at her, feeling her touch, her breath, her skin made me complete. However in later years her sex would make me a God.

 

I stood there waving my goodbyes to them at the end of the dinner. Then I gave Julia a light peckish kiss on the mouth, the adults seemed slightly alarmed but we felt a thousand years old and more proper than they were. Every step I took from her that night made me feel like that tunnel from the dream; slowly shrinking into some inconsolable world. The time without her could be summarized in one word, noise. I ate, I drank, I acted to the extent I was demanded but it was only to see her that I existed.

 

To find love at a young age is also a dangerous thing, I who had been accustomed to fear and obedience could not understand it. I felt it unraveling my very being, everything I knew seemed to be slipping away. I began to eat, drink and talk not for the taste or to achieve anything from it but to just remind me I was alive. To wake up from life's solipsistic trance is a harsh thing at a young age, and after a while it becomes impossible. I was no longer alone, my soul seemed to no longer reside in my body but with her, my flesh was merely operated by remote control.

 

A year had passed like this, with small encounters and peckish adolescent embraces in the form of kisses, hugs and maybe a playful nibble on her neck. Everyday passed until we meet one another, then time and space stood still for us allowing us our respite in each other's arms. She told me that she loved me on my thirteenth birthday.

 

My thirteenth birthday was quite a festival. My mother had bought so many gifts for me that they literally occupied the entire living room. My best friends mark, victor and Steven were there as well. I have not said much about them yet but there part in my story comes later. The festivities rang throughout the day, my mother had a slip and slide she pulled out which all the kids in the neighborhood had seen fit to enjoy. My chubby friend Steven feasted upon the shrimp cocktail that my mother had served. My poor mother, serving shrimp, oysters, crab, steak and all the other more adult upper class horderves at a kids party. I saw her pretty loving face looking so worried because she truly wanted this to be the greatest celebration ever. She had told me before that according to the astral signs thirteen was my lucky and she took that nonsense seriously.

 

I went down the slip and slide a few times, I ate some some cupcakes, played some games and laughed with my friends for a while. All the while though I was empty, the true and unbeknownst guest of honor had yet not arrived. Throughout that time I was merely going through the motions once again but all the while whenever I smiled or my eyes lit up with any light, it was the thought of her face. We sang happy birthday every one of us even as the rain began to fall. We all laughed at that but my mom seemed incredibly worried, she was a believer in omens after all. We rushed all the food and cake inside and my friend mark who loved to be the comedian after the chaos decided to ended it on the not "and many moreeee." I was grateful for that slight bit of witticism for it made my mom smile and I had seen her so sad since it had begun raining. Victor the came up to me and whispered "Well your thirteen now, what about that girl, have you fucked her yet?" It is amazing how drunkards and children always have the predisposition to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

 

He did not know that I had not stopped thinking about her since two day ago, which was the last time I saw her. He did not understand that these candles, people and entire world seemed like some enormous void I was staring into. I looked at him and then punched him in the throat, which elicited a return punch from him and then I hit back. I was in a fight, how exhilarating I thought, I could almost see her face in the painful blows to my stomach or my the effort and sweat I put into my blows. The taste of blood in mouth at that moment seemed divine I grabbed him then an with all the intensity in my being threw him on the slip on the slide and we slided along. I kept punching his face and he kept trying to grab me or retaliate but when he would try, my knee was present at his balls. We kept sliding along the slip and slide to the tune of the adults screaming, the intensity of the feeling was as close as I could get to love in its absence.

 

Then coming in through my backyard patio door I saw her and froze. At which point Victor took the advantage and gave me a good uppercut that knocked me out. I woke up in the house several hours later while it was nightfall to these words "I love you, don't leave me again." The syllables had a stronger effect than any of the alcohol or other substances pressed to my nose had. I woke up like a coke addict after receiving a fresh inducement of cocaine. I saw Victor there, all burly and too hairy for his age looking sorry but I did not care. I grabbed Julia and pressed her close tightly to my body and frenched kissed her for the first time. I would have done more had not the adults separated us. Then she said "I love you" in such a tender way that all the mess and havoc seemed to dissipate everyone's minds.

 

Passions then subsided and me and victor made up. I apologized for my outburst and so did he. Our parents talked also apologized to one another, my mother was talking hurriedly with everyone in her most formal of tones; as though saying "they are just kids, please don't sue us." I watched all that with a sense of peace, for me everything else just seemed like a dream. I talked to Julia about what happened, told her every detail and laughed to sort of slice through the underlying tension the story brought on. She smiled at me and hugged me, we laid there upon my couch in one another's embrace for a while. I cannot remember what I said, but I remember her laughing at some of my comments and she would tell me things like "your so crazy," or "don't do that again." She grabbed an ice pouch and held it to my face, I could not feel its cold, just the smell of her hand. I soon fell asleep there, lying next to her, feeling like a king or knight who had just defended her honor and succeeded.

 

When I awoke most of the people had left, only Julia and my close friends remained; including victor. My friends were playing video games and Julia was still right next to me, I awoke to the sound of her heart beating; it was the most beautiful sound in the world to me. I wish I could have recorded it at the time, but I thought that it would never end. My Mom however was looking a bit frustrated with me. She came up to me and dragged me to where my presents were. She grabbed the camera and told me to open the presents, I looked at her and felt bad so I did. I smiled, I laughed, I sometimes feigned surprise at some of the presents. To be honest, I had already snuck a peek while she was wrapping them. There was one present in particular which I enjoyed all too much, it was a toy bazooka which shot foam rockets. I started shooting everyone with them, I especially liked to grab people by surprise and shoot them in the butt. I shot Julia with it and she was slightly hurt by it so I came over to comfort her. While I was doing so the other adults seemed to be in a relaxed state, thinking "oh the rampage is over." 

However, it had only begun then turned quickly around and shot my aunt in the butt with it, it made her scream and I laughed profusely. My friends then took on the spirit of anarchy and started throwing things at me, it was mostly empty shrimp shells but someone did throw a stapler at one point; it did not hit anyone though. I then kissed Julia and went into the fray feeling like some warrior of old. I threw food, utensils, empty boxes, more foam bazooka rockets, really anything I could grab a hold of. The war lasted for about 30 minutes, by the end of it all the parents were dragging their kids home. If only countries had parents to drag them away from each other.

 

My mother was frustrated but yet pleased, she could see that even despite my bruised face I was happy. She hugged me and asked me "did you enjoy your birthday?" I looked at her and with the most satisfied feeling said "It was most adequate mother," I was a bit of a dick. She smiled and started to clean up the house, a shore that could have been left to the maid but she did it with a proud look at her face. As she was cleaning up the house, she had a smile on her face that I'll never forget because it said "thank god I was able to provide this for my son, thank god my son is happy, thank god that he loves and thank god I'm able to be here for him;" it was a chore dedicated to her love. Many people pray and thank god but few are able to feel it as she did that day.

 

My mother was not perfect, she was overprotective and a bit of a hassle at times. I would often feel the hole my father left and the demand there was to fill it, how that vacuum in her soul made her act in the way she did. However, I knew she loved me and I felt that energy reverberate across my soul every day. She gave me my strengths and my weakness, she taught me to love. Without her I would never have been able to love Julia the way I did; for that I will be eternally grateful. I lived as a man should for a time because of her and that is more than most people get in their lifetimes. I miss you more than words can describe mother, I will see you again upon that shore one day.......

Author's Note

Enjoy, laugh, gouge your eyes out, just please comment.