'Till Morning

A romantic sonnet...

I long to share the dark with you, my sweet

A thrill would it bring to my cold, dead heart

Without your beauty I am incomplete

Your grey skin and torn flesh, a work of art

 

While I hunger for blood and you for brains

Our souls are joined in undead unity

Through each full moon my love for you remains

Though vilified by both communities

 

But, my fiendish love, I will not forgo

My dream to gaze into your oozing eyes

My life for you, I’d give ~ like Romeo

Had I not already met my demise

 

Vampire and Zombie, we will walk the night

Hand in hand until morning brings the light

Author's Note

The working title was "Dracleo and Zombiette" ;p

Reviews

[John Lauterbach]

This reads more elegantly than I expected it to at first; Expectations born of the ABCB setup you usually use, but this is ABAB. I had to re-read it without the introductory thought that it would have that limerick-y sound to it. This was uniquely romantic to me and not 'funny' as much because of the elegance it carries. I feel like with some word replacement, you could seriously use this on a person and get results.

For the second stanza's 2 and 4 lines, would changing "Though vilified by both communities" to "Though vilified by our community" be acceptable? It loses some of the Romeo/Juliette parallel that way, but it flows better.

Third stanza, last line; the 'If' threw me a bit. I feel like 'Had we not...' would be more natural. Are syllables important to this piece? I can't place it, but my brain is telling me there was attention given to them.

I like it on two levels, even if I made one up myself.

[Rita L. Sev]

Thanks, John, for your thorough review! This is outside of my usual format (trying some different pieces). It is a sonnet (traditional, Shakespearian format) so each line should have 10 syllables. I think "Had we not already met our demise" will work... :)

[sharonlee]

!
Love this!
What fun to read!

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you so much, Sharonlee!

[Pryde Foltz]

Love it. By the by, the passion at the beginning worked too, but you gave the humour away with brains. such fun. I too am working on my not-so-gothic masterpiece; so stay tuned. ( I said that with the voice of Bela Lugosi) Halloween comes early to WC.

[Rita L. Sev]

Ha! Yes, it does - so many things to write about ghouls and zombies... :) Thanks, Pryde!

[Baby Ricochet]

Zombies. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

[Rita L. Sev]

Well, at least the vampire loves her... :) Thanks for reading!

[Vile]

Hahahaha, this is quite interesting actually. Even monsters need a little lovin'. A nice veiw of things. You bring light to darkness in this piece. I was n't overly enthralled with some of the word choices, though that is more of a personal preference more than anything. However I do like the detail you put into this. Very vivid. Well done. :D

[Rita L. Sev]

Thanks, Josh! I would have used some other words, but with a sonnet, syllable count is a rule, so the choices are more limited... :)

[Vile]

Fair enough. I can understand the dilemma. :P

[Sharon Kim]

I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder! Even monsters need someone to love! This is a great write, Rita! I love the details of torn flesh and oozing eyes and the font is perfect.

[Rita L. Sev]

Thanks, Sharon! Yes, and I would imagine that the Vampire and Zombie families would not approve... :)

[Sharon Kim]

Most definitely not! :)

[Leonard Birch]

Love this Poem Rita. Thank you for sharing.

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you, Leo - I do silly quite a lot...

[Angi]

Oh yes! I have been working on a zombie piece. (They are much more complex than I thought...a few moans and groans with a schmear of brains and Voila! Yeah, not so) Love this piece, Rita. You have been surprising me lately! Angi~

[Rita L. Sev]

Thanks, Angi! I actually was working on a different zombie piece - it wasn't going well. But then the vampire joined us... I hope the surprises have been good... :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i can picture these two going to the prom together...

they might get some looks, before everyone runs out of the gymnasium...:)


so clever...Night of the Living Dead meets Dusk till Dawn...

where are romero and tarentino...

they could make this into a short black and white movie...

thanks for the enjoyment..call me foolish, but .i love all things ghoulish.

[Rita L. Sev]

Ha! Love this review, Jacob! Glad you had fun with this one!