Beautiful Eyes

Romantic...may be...

Those sparkling blue eyes,
intoxicating like wine.
I can stare at them all day,
they are my holy shrine...
Every time I see you around,
my fate starts to shine.
I'm not joking my dear,
I want to make you mine...

Eyes blue as an ocean,
so beautiful and so deep.
let me be lost forever in it,
I'd never ever let you weep...
I'll take care of everything,
even when life gets steep.
Every night I will kiss your lips,
before you go to sleep...
 
Your eyes are so deceptive,
they trick me every time.
I wanna be with you forever,
but maybe it's just not my time...
Falling for your eyes,
was my only crime.
How naive of me?
You will never be mine...

Author's Note

Your opinion please, help me improve it...:)

Reviews

[Penny]

The beauty of eyes lies in the emotion they reflect, very beautiful and heart touching piece. The story you described here is indeed very common and infact a part of everyone's life, which brings us closer to our hearts on a different level. The treatement, again of this poem's subject is perfect.. starting from the rhyming scheme to the length and language. Very well done.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Penny...:)

[Penny]

My pleasure as always.

[Emily]

I like it the beginning how you told us right a way what color here eyes where.
Keep it up!!

[Sanjh]

Thank you Emily...:)

[Belle]

I agree with previous reviews - maybe a little variety in the language used would be beneficial - but aside from that, this is a wonderful piece! You write very elegantly and delicately, and the poem is breathtakingly romantic. Your narrative voice is very sweet and shy, so the resulting poem is absolutely charming!

[Sanjh]

Than you so much for reading and the advice. It's really helpful...:)

[Belle]

No problem! It was a pleasure to read.

[Confuser]

You are a great writer. I'm not good at all with love poems, or not so good at poetry. I'm new but am learning from writers like you. thank you.

[Sanjh]

Thank you for appreciating, these really are big words of praise for me. I'm just a newbie in poetry and learning everyday. I've read your poems, and they are awesome. I'm glad you liked it so much...:)

[Confuser]

You're quite welcome.

[MomzillaNC]

Sad ending… Eyes are such a small part of a person. It's amazing how much we see in those tiny windows.

[Sanjh]

True, eyes are the window to our heart, they speak louder than words...

thank you for reading...:)

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

enjoyed these :
"
Eyes blue as an ocean,
so beautiful and so deep.
let me be lost forever in it,
I'd never ever let you weep... "


great poem.......
loved it!!

[Sanjh]

Thank you for appreciating...:)

[R Smith]

I agree with Poetic Raven, you have written a truly beautiful and very sad poem, it just needs some variation in the wording, i can't quite pinpoint it except to say its something in the rhymes, that sound a bit sing songish its strange cos it should work but somehow its not, sorry to be negative :)

[Sanjh]

No need to be sorry Sir, this is how I'll improve. Thank you for the honest opinion. I'll work on it and make some changes...thanks again, it's really helpful...:)

[R Smith]

you are always welcome :)

[Eleanor]

Nice job! Eyes speak everything. Staring into a persons eyes feels great.
You explained greatly the subject of wanting someone but not able to get them. And still loving every feature of that person. Nicely penned.

[Sanjh]

True, eyes are the mirror of our soul. Sometimes we find everything in someone's eyes and sometimes we loose everything...

thank you for reading...:)

[ayesha gupta]

awesome job! ryhme is perfect. romantic fantasy and them back to reality. i liked it. keep writing. :)

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much for appreciating. I'm glad you liked it...:)

[AprilRN1210]

I admit, eyes are my weakness besides a smile.. that is what draws me to others.. it is what expresses.. they say that they are the windows to the soul.. I think there is a little truth to this.. you can tell a lot by looking into someone's eyes.. this was well expressed here.. we felt the strength of the connection the speaker feels.. felt bittersweet..

few little suggestions since you asked.. :)...


"intoxicating like a wine.".. would leave out the "a".. flows better
"I can stare (at or into) them all day," would either use at or into here..
"even if the life's at steep."... stumbled here.. would maybe word it different.. (even when life gets steep)--maybe....
"but may be it's just not my time..."... think "maybe" should be one word here..
" was all but my crime.".... stumbled here as well.. would maybe word it.. (was my only crime)..

overall, this was very nice.. well done!

[Sanjh]

thank you so much for reading April, I always learn from your reviews. Thank you for the suggestions, I'll update the text now.

Thank you...:)

[Sanjh]

updated it, thanks again...:)

[AprilRN1210]

much better!.. so glad I could help.. you are more than welcome:)

[Sydnie J]

I found this poem very beautiful. I can familiarize with the dancing around the subject of wanting someone, but never being able to fully have them. A small suggestion would be to maybe use more varied vocabulary. Other than that, it's a beautiful piece.

[Sanjh]

Thank you for reading, and nice suggestion. I'm working on it.

Thank you so much...:)