Universe

If not you, who will remember my dreams-? 

When I lay in lifeless December streams,  

Eyes closed in slumber, tell me what does life mean? 

There has to be more than the universe deems!  

Come lay with me on the frost-kissed ground- 

A night world broken; sadly crying in sound,

 Can you hear them whisper in the air all around? 

Like faded faces who longed to be found-  

Someday we'll burn off like the stars- 

Those we long to be close are getting too far- 

Will we keep viewing life as a bursting quasar-? 

Feeding on energy until it tears us apart? 

 Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-? 

When death comes for me- will I truly be gone?

Author's Note

Life after death- hm.

Saree (Ray) :

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

' Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-?
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone? '

Asking questions in your kind of way is bound to fall into its own haphazard form some time, one day, who knows when! There's music in the lie of your words, start to finish, even though to date, there's no finale! Not sure we'll ever find out anyway because when it does, we might not be around!

Your thinking is a gentle finatic with a mighty mix, LazerRays - as you intended. Great job done.

[H L Rose]

Stanza 1: The question in the first line grabs and each line carries the reader to the next seamlessly. I am intrigued by "December streams" and "Eyes closed in slumber" helps me see the stanza as one thought since it reminds me of the first line. I do think the need to make each line ryhme actually may take away from the overall feel. I think using internal ryhmes throughout the stanza would be more effective.

Stanza 2: Doesn't break from the theme and keeps the overall tone, but it is a welcome change with less passive language. "lay with me" and "frost-kissed-ground" feels intimate and that intimacy is felt in the proceeding lines. I would say that, like the first stanza, Focusing less on end rhymes would make this feel more real.

Stanza 3: The meter is the hero in this stanza. It really shows itself when we get into the second line. The concept in the first line is evoking and overall the whole stanza may be the most evoking in the whole poem in my opinion. The end rhymes get in the way again but I love the wordchoice.

Stanza 4: The last couplet is a good summation but I do believe its end ryhmes would hit harder if they stood out as different from the other stanzas. If you focused more on internal rhymes throughout the poem and ended with end ryhmes I believe it may have a greater affect.

The content of the poem is ethereal and your word choice, evoking imagery of sleep, winter, and space aid the overall theme. I love the tone and your wordchoice and thoroughly enjoyed the read!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

We are never trull gone for our soul will never die. it sprints in the hearts of loved ones. A really great poem.

[Patricia]

introspective and oh the questions we drown ourselves in. I try not to but then what kind of expressionist would I be and I would never pick up a pen again. Lovely poem and I enjoyed it very much, keep asking the questions and write of them. We will all eventually know and can discuss it in the next life and probably laugh about it.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I think we all reflectt on what we leave behind when we cross over. I know I do often,

[Chris Shaw]

The million dollar question. What happens when we die? This is beautifully penned, a lovely composition. Well penned Saree.

Chris

[LazerRays]

Thank you so much!

[Nix is typing...]

Wow, Saree, you've really painted a picture here! I think the last two lines might be my favorite, "Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-?
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone?"
SOOOO GOOOD!! I like the rhyming too! I could tell you were really deep in thought when you wrote this piece! Fantabulous job!! 100/100

[LazerRays]

Thank you so much Nix, i see you around my profile a lot which makes me happy. Always a pleasure when a person can tell what state the author was in. I definitely was in deep

[Nix is typing...]

Well? What can I say :)? I admire your work. I like the way you write. :) It's so deep and personal.

[Haley]

This is beautiful and has such great rhyme and flow. Really beautiful to read and soak in.

[LazerRays]

Thank you :)))

[Just Kim]

I enjoyed the rhyme scheme, the flow is spot on, quite an emotional read though

[LazerRays]

Thank you Kim

[The dark Hydra]

I get board of reading s**t got anything that doesn't belong in the trash?

[LazerRays]

Yeh got one just for you:

"suck it"

Rate my TEDtalk

[Nix is typing...]

@The Dark Hydra OH MY F*****G GOD, WHY DOES YOUR NASTY A*S HAVE TO TROLL ON EVERYONE'S F*****G WORK?! WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??? You need to resolve those damn issues you got going on at home somewhere else! THEN GO TO F*****G SCHOOL BECAUSE YOUR GRAMMAR AND YOUR SPELLING SUCKS MAJOR BOOTYHOLE!!! Also, smartass, you spelled "Bored" wrong.

[LazerRays]

Hahaha @Nix, did he troll you too? I find it funny to be honest. So I call him a friend. I don't mind the troll, thanks tho. :)))

[Nix is typing...]

Lol, okay then. No, he hasn't trolled me, YET. But I've seen him on other things, trolling a shitton of other people. I just...I dunno I think you're cool, so I was just kinda tryna stand up for you? I know you probably don't need it Ray, but I just felt the need. :) If you've seen the recent poems I posted, you'd know why I felt the need to stand up, yanno?

[LazerRays]

I haven't seen them but I definitely will. Thanks for thinking I'm cool, I think you're cool too. Thanks for standing up for me. Me and the hydra kinda go back, so I know what they're feeling rn. I don't agree with their trolling but I can't do anything about it

[Nix is typing...]

Ahhh, I gotchu. And thanks! I'll put my word ammunition away. For now. I just don't like it when people troll others because they got other s**t going on in their lives that makes them unhappy. It makes me mad.

[LazerRays]

Understandable

[The dark Hydra]

Haven't decide yet if y'all a******s or if I'm just not getting some magical point cus I see a lot of b*****s up in here bitchin bout the biggest b***h in here (sorry saree).

[LazerRays]

You dont have to apologize hydra lol. And okay

[LazerRays]

We had a good slam fight, so I wouldn't call me a b***h. We're both slam poets, let's focus on that