Pain

As I felt the door reform my heart sank, taking my breath with it.

Something that was already hard was going to be near impossible now. My whole body writhed in pain; trying to healing itself from the trauma I brought to it. I could not move either arm. The numbness penetrated down past my bones, freezing my muscles so that the most they could do was let my arms hang lifelessly to my sides. I rammed the door with my head bashing it over and over in my hysteria.

I could do nothing as my heart went into over drive beating its self to pump harder faster it began to burn like the rest of my body setting my chest alight pumping the burning oil through my veins; force feeding life back into my limbs.

Even at my maximum at my greatest effort it was not enough the pain grew resisting my blood. Little by little it pulsed further with each pump making my arms throb under the internal pressure; the pain engulfed me too slowly to not be torture. The torture I have brought upon myself.

The pain I felt was equal to my despair inside. Every bit of me knew I just could not give up, not when I was this close. My escape was on the other side of that door! That big, cold... unforgiving... not nothing DOOR!

The pain was cornering my finger tips and the upper parts of my arms were throbbing. I closed my eyes; I could feel my body shaking trying to hold itself together but there was also something else. I thought I felt something slipping down my cheek.

A stream down my face burned on my cheek but it was from the outside, I was not touch the door something else was there: something else that too was more than nothing. It took what little strength I had left but I was able to move. My muscles tightened to a cramp as I lifted my hand to my face. It felt slick to the touch, wet. Another droplet soon followed down the previous ones trail sliding down over my cheek and settling in the corner of my lips. When I opened my mouth a jagged breath escaped out and the small little drop fell in. I could feel it dissolve and spread over my dry tongue. It outraged the taste buds conveying a sharp tart taste that made my throat feel sticky and small. Trying to swallow was useless and it felt like my throat was going to get stuck shut. And with each swallow a horrible slime rose up into my mouth of an awful taste.

Breathing was difficult. I had never been in such pain before. It was impossible to feel pain before. There was no cause to feel pain in nothingness. Nothing to hurt you. But just the door, it is not nothing, how could a single thing, a single feeling bring such pain. Finally I found the strength to open my eyes as the burning settled to that of red coals. I sat up and swallowed hard just managing to break up the salty rock at the back of my throat.

All I could do was lay there next to the door. I just was not strong enough to do anything more against such an impenetrable work. Without a ground it had no bottom, and no sky to make the top, side to side it just extended on and on. There was nothing for me to do I was just stuck.

Though the burning pain had ceased the watery droplets continued to stream from my eyes leaving a sticky scalding trail down my face before letting go and falling into the forever nothingness below.

The door was too strong for my body; a something was too strong for a nothing. That is all that I was: nothing. I was useless just like my numb lifeless limbs that face the door. It was impossible to be anything more than nothing or anything more than useless when there was nothing to be done.

I could not even beat a door. Whether it was more than nothing or not a person should be able to beat a door.  This door does not budge or break or give me any chance. It causes pain and liquid cried from my eyes in such a way I could never forget. Nothing will always be nothing. And something will never be less than that. Something cannot be made into nothing.

Nothing was all I ever knew and all I was. Thinking feeling sack of nothing a clump of nothing melted into nothing that is all I will ever be. I pulled my bottom half up to my face in a ball. I used my hands each one wrapped around each other’s wrist to hold me there. I rest my head there; the warm pressure was welcome after what had happened. The tears stopped falling and my heart went back to normal silently untouchingly pumping in my chest.

Things seemed back to normal at that moment I could have moved away from that door and went back to nothingness. Things could never be the same though. I was given a challenge and I would not have ever been able to forgive myself if I left it behind. Not after being through so much. The liquid had dried, the pain was gone all that was left was me and the door. There had to be a way through. There had to.

I clenched my eyes shut all I could think was there has to be a way, there has to be a way. No other thought could make it through my mind. How does a door open when there is nothing about the door to make it capable to do so. Maybe it was impossible. I shook my head still cradled by my own body. The warmth was not making it any easier to think of a solution. My body was tired my mind was lost I wanted to let go and let myself fall forever into the nothing. I could not risk losing the door though. It was my while lifetime before I found it the first time if I drifted away and lost it… I could not bear such a thought. If I drifted away from it I could never find it again. There was no such thing as direction and no way to navigate or have any sort of location at all in nothingness.