Excerpt from: "An RPG Life: Peyote and MMORPGs can mix. Not that you'd want it to."

This was taken from my #1 best seller in Thailand, unpublished. Never even translated. understand how amazing I am yet?

  Huzzah!  I leveled up overnight (and it only took 17,000 randomly generated battles)!  That puts me squarely at Lv. 22.  Now I’ve got access to the special attack Glower and an automatic stat boost to my Defense, Luck and Food Preparation abilities.  Needless to say, with my already robust culinary skills, the peanut butter omelet I made for breakfast was phenomenal.  It’ll give +7 to my Attack and Defense for the next five turns!  Now if only I could figure out a way to make a f*****g omelet without peanut butter, I’d be set.

                After replenishing my hit points and mana, I headed to the shops.  I got a Wal-Mart flier over the weekend that promised buy-one-get-one-free on all quest related items.  I wanted be there before the soccer moms and senior citizens bought up all the elemental weapons, but, in my haste, I apparently cut off this Orc on the highway.  It was obviously a mistake; he’s got this enormous Chevy Tahoe with an attack of, like, a million and defense up the wazoo, and I’m driving a dented Mercury Cougar.  That’s not a randomly generated battle that I would ever ask for.  Of course, him being an Orc, he zooms up next to me, lowers his powered window, and starts mouthing off about how “dirty, hook-nosed Nightblades need to go back to [their] own country where [they’ve] got [their] own f*****g banks and can drive down the street however [they] damn-well please.”

                Well, that did it.  I was a little confused about the bank comment, but found the rest offensive enough to warrant a battle.  My window was partly open already �" after all, air conditioning takes a lot of gold to keep maintained �" but I rolled it down the rest of the way.  I didn’t want this jerk to miss a thing.  First off, I gave him both middle fingers, hammering him with a double helping of Chutzpah, a stat-altering attack that gruesomely lowers defense.  Then, while I had him reeling, I unleashed Glower, whereby an angry, hateful look cast at a foe inflicts massive HP damage and paralysis.  Beaten, bruised, and rigidly immobile, the Orc’s Tahoe gently veered from it’s lane, collided head on with a wall of traffic and exploded in a gorgeous eruption of flame and metal shrapnel. 

I collected my experience points and proceeded along my way.

Author's Note

Are you laughing yet? Once again, please let me know what you think of it from a comedic angle, but don't be a dick. If you've got bad stuff to say, say it right please. I wouldn't go to the job you're trying to do and flame you, so please respect my craft as I would respect yours.