The splinter effect.

Sharing an experience...

Most people think it starts with the scars, the marks; it doesn’t it starts with that feeling deep down that something isn’t right.

When the good times are good they are amazing; but when things are bad they are scary. It gets to the point where you are scared to make the right choice around that person. Say the wrong thing, not do something right. This has had a massive effect on my ability to believe in myself, to not feel stupid. I sometimes get scared to admit that I don’t understand. I’m scared to be alone, but then I’ve never really been alone in my life. I had M he was with me for 14 years of my life; it started off that he was my saviour and he took me away from a very wrong crowd. He showed me how to be semi independant; then he used that against me and I started to rely on him like a parent. To the point he would give me a budget each week, I didn’t know how to pay bills, budget or understand expenditure or income.

It took a lot for me to get my head around; I did it with my friends help. I’m in a better place than I was but I still have the trauma that at every turn stabs me that little bit more, like an embedded splinter edging deeper into the wound.

I let someone else into my life we shall call him P he showed me a glimpse of how a relationship should be, he had his faults we all do, I tried to help him, make him see I was there to help in anyway I could. He used to hold me next to him (I hadn’t had that in so long it felt nice for someone to actually want to hold me) he showed me new places, he made me priority. We laughed, we had adventure and we seemed to be similar and compatible. Until cracks started to show, I would annoy him with not doing something or not doing it correctly. We spoke, communication is the key to any relationship, right? I wanted to be a better person, a better partner. I took onboard what he said. We moved on it lasted a little while then I slammed the car door by accident (hands full and on a hill) and he shouted at me for slamming it and snapping “Just don’t do it!”. Leaving me feeling confused, should I be snapped and shouted at like that?! Things got worse from there...

He told me he loved me, yet when it came down to it he didn’t love me enough for our relationship to overcome a bump in the road. The blame was placed on me etched in my skin, unable to be erased he kept it there, knowing full well the blame was not even anyone’s fault. He blamed me, he left me: confused, lost and in bits. I don’t know how to express how I feel, 2 weeks after he left watching him drive away off my drive, leaving me there. It honestly hurts so badly thinking about it, yet I still imagine him driving into my drive, seeing his car. I think about what he’s doing daily, if he’s hurting like I am. Did he actually care about me? I tell everyone I’m ok, but the truth is I’m not. The truth is I’m a mess, weekends are the worse because I’m lonely, and I don’t want be a burden to anyone, I know I’m not, nobody has said I am, but shifting that feeling is hard.

I need to work out who I am, which is the hard part. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. The words of abuse are the lingering whispers that take over your head, the actions are what we process later, and the anger is what we become used to. But to everyone around them they are this perfect person who does nothing wrong. They don’t see what we truly see, the paranoid feeling that they are watching you. Little things that make you angry, then sad, the emotional rollercoaster; the tiny things making you burst into tears. 

Time is a great healer, but can I sleep till it's over?!

Author's Note

I haven't written in years, please be kind.