8: Follow My Lead

Now that I have successfully been discharged, I can reflect back on my extended stay in Hospital and the many lessons I learned there. Lessons about people, lessons about myself, and lessons about life and living it well.

 

And I will share with you a great lesson: Life in Hospital is not real life. The rules there are a little different than when out in the general population. From my experience I have listed for you five very important rules to follow, from your first day to your very last day. These rules were derived from my own first hand experiences, some of which were uncomfortable, and I am graciously passing them on to you free of charge.

 

You’re welcome.

 

Rule #1 in Hospital: The nurses are better than you. Accept it and be nice to them at all costs.

 

These are the people who going to be with you 24/7 while in Hospital. They control the locks on the doors, the items you can keep in your room, the opening of the fridge, and the leniency of allowing your guests stay past official visiting hours. Most of all - they write in your chart. Which isn’t even a chart exactly; it is pages and pages of writing describing what you’ve been doing. You never get to see the chart. Your doctor sees the chart. And your doctor makes decisions for you about getting discharged. See where I’m going with this? If you aren’t sure if someone is a nurse or not, it is in your best interest to just be nice to them anyway.

 

Rule #2 in Hospital: If you aren’t willing to constantly talk to people, do not use any public space.

 

I noticed a common trait shared between many patients while living in Hospital. I found their definition of personal time and space was a lot different that mine. Possibly even nonexistent. These were some very friendly people. If you are in public domain, whether sitting, standing, or passing through at a sprint it is almost guaranteed that you will be approached, very closely, by an avid conversationalist. It doesn’t matter if you have headphones in, are in the middle of a phone call, or wearing a sign that says “I don’t speak English” �" you will be approached and a discussion will ensue. If this is not a problem for you then by all means, feel free to occupy whatever space you wish, you can engage or ignore the person and it won’t really effect the length of conversation. If you’d rather not be assaulted by constant conversation from strangers, you’re best to stick to the stairwells.

 

Rule #3 in Hospital: Always let the seniors get their food trays and sit down first at meals.

 

I touched lightly on this previously, but be sure to heed my warning. The cafeteria line is a landmine of hungry humans. Consider every cane, walker, and wheelchair a weapon. In my opinion you’re best to show up five to ten minutes late and take a spot at the back of the line, that way everyone will have gotten dinner and “their” seat before you arrive. Do not jump the line, and do not, accidentally or intentionally, bump into anyone and above all, do not sit in someone else’s seat. Any of the above can illicit an irrational response that may leave you marred with a severely bruised shin or toes being run over by rogue walker wheels. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

 

Rule #4 in Hospital: Do not use any cup at the water dispenser other than one you have taken clean out of the sleeve yourself.

 

The water dispenser is in the dining room for communal use. There is always a sleeve or two of stryofoam cups and lids off to the side for the taking. While in Hospital, I preferred to use my own water bottle, which was too large to fit under the dispenser, so I would simply take a cup off the counter to transfer the water into it. I thought nothing of this until I was waiting behind another patient, who filled a cup with water and drank it, twice, before putting it down on the counter beside the dispenser and walking away. Good Lord. There was a very good chance I had been using this man’s second-hand cup all along.

 

Rule #5 in Hospital: If there is fish on the menu, consider phoning a friend. Or a deliveryman.

 

As previously mentioned, life in Hospital is not real life. This can be equally applied to the subject of this particular rule: Fish in Hospital is not real fish. Even if you enjoy eating fish �" you won’t enjoy this. It is a floppy, white, square, apparently edible mass with grill lines that have been precisely painted onto it with god-knows-what. It has a strong fish-like odor, and tastes as if its been recently hauled through toilet water. Or Lake Ontario. Same difference. So when you see fish on the menu, you’re going to want to either make other plans for your evening or plan to go hungry.