I do not care

A rewrite of an old piece I found.

I do not care anymore.
I do not have the energy required anymore.
The drive is just not there.
Whether it's my problems, the people around me, the environment, the middle east, food, life.
There is nothing I can think of that I have an iota of "care" for.

I only keep going because it's the thing to do.
Even without something to look forward to, without a single reason to not end it all, I trudge on.
Continuing to live due to conditioning, persisting because it's the way it has always been.

So here I am, only going forward because I am stuck in that direction.
Not deviating because this is how it has always been.
But I have to be honest, at the very least with myself; how hard could it be to break that conditioning?
To alter course? To just end it all and finally have some peace?

Maybe there is still some hope, a bit of caring left inside of me.
Enough to see if tomorrow could possibly be brighter than today.

Author's Note

Found this in a stack of old notebooks full of ideas and ramblings. Obviously this was written while I was in a dark place, but it pleases me to see that I still had some hope even then.

Reviews

[AprilRN1210]

we do become "conditioned" don't we if not careful? I connected with this piece on a deep emotional level having experienced a similar dark period in my life where these thoughts were real, raw, and painful. I love your use of language and the wording of ideas-very unique and clever. The ending is what makes this piece amazing in my opinion... That spark of hope that refuses to die... coincidentally, I just wrote one yesterday called "A flicker of hope" and reads along the same lines of that spark of hope that battles the fiercest wind.

[Cherrie Palmer]

I love that you end this piece with hope sometimes the hope of a better day is all some have.

[Spoon]

Writing done in dark places is often more honest than when we are on the top of the world. I can associate with this, it was through similar feelings of repetitiveness without cause that I began to write in the first place.

What I like about this is that it repeats the same idea a few times, but it doesn't FEEL repetitive. You are reinforcing the idea, strengthening it, not dulling its edge as repetition so often does.

"I only keep going because it's the thing to do,"
and
"persisting because it's the way it has always been."

These are my favourite lines. The wording shows not only the futility you feel in your actions but also how little futility itself matters.