Chpater 3

Darkness

The thing people are most afraid of in life. The word that describes the end. It brings pain and fear but most of all it brings sadness to the world.

Sometimes, I think maybe the darkness isn't so bad after all.

Days like today.

Days when the taunting from the voice becomes to much.

Days when I feel so alone, that I believe there would be no sadness if I left.

These are the days I want to leave but something stops me. 

I don't know what it is. I don't know why it makes me stop or maybe it is just putting it off. Whatever it is, it's keeping me alive.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

My mind is constantly flicking through the images of yesterday. Screening images of the boy who made me speak and made me feel safe. The boy who has almost no sight but the power to make me trust him. The boy who is called Ty.

I haven't seen him since that moment and part of me is relieved. On the other hand, I am desperate to see him again. The same thing that is keeping me from the darkness is trying to force me towards him. In a way I hate this feeling. It feels like someone is controlling my actions, just like the voice is controlling my mind but at the same time it feels right to trust the feeling.

What if I did bump into Ty again though? I have no idea what I would say though, if I would say anything. It's not like a planned to speak last time, the words just flowed out of my mouth, without me thinking about it. What if I just look like a freak?

To late for that.

What if I did talk to him and it turns out he is just like the others? I would want to disappear a thousand times more than I already want to. Its hard enough for me to talk to people but it is even harder for me to trust someone. All because someone we trusted turned against us.

Then again, Ty could be different from the rest. He could be the one to truly listen and understand the pain. He could bring my voice back and then help me tell the truth. Maybe I am wrong.

Your Always wrong.

Am I?

Yes.

No.

I wonder aimlessly down the corridor, passing numerous patients along the way as I let my feet guide me. I never have a plan for each day I spend here. I just take it how it comes and usually each day is the same. Sleep, suffer, eat, pain, therapy, sleep. Nothing fun and nothing exciting to look forward to. 

I let my left hand dangle whilst my right hand grips it tightly and my head hangs low. With each step I shuffle, I pray no one bothers me or tells me I have to be somewhere else. I just want to be alone. If I stay hidden, no one will know my story. No one will no the truth but do I truly want that?

My body takes me towards the roof top garden. It's been weeks since I last came here and I almost missed the place. Hardly any of the patients came here and I am pretty sure those who don't, don't even know it exists. I only discovered it after one of my breakdowns, where I ran in fear and stumbled upon the garden. 

It does scare me when I have a breakdown. It scares me a lot. Number one because it's the voice winning and hammering against my mind and number two is because of the doctors. Whenever they think a patient is getting to ill or their case crazy, they resection you. I've seen a few patients  be re-sectioned before and from what I can tell it is not good. That is why I always run, to avoid the needles but also to avoid a new room.

The garden is quiet and peaceful, making it a great place to think. There is always so much on mind that I can go over here. I always sit in the corner on a cushioned chair with the sun blazing down through the glass window. I love the smell of the fresh flowers that remind me of home and how my mum would always buy some new flowers every week. She would say that they bring joy and light to a room. She always had a way with words. The power to make people smile without even trying.

Today I sit directly in the middle of the garden, seeing as no one else is around. It's a warm, breezy day and most people are out on the field, enjoying a little bit of freedom. The only freedom you get in this place. I cross my legs, place my hands either side on the cold ground and stare directly in the sunlight. I close my eyes and absorb all of the light, releasing everything. All the questions, voices and pain. It's only for a couple of minuets yet those couple of minuets are heaven.

I feel at peace.

I feel free.

Only she has to come and ruin it. 

You can't get rid of me.

I wasn't trying to.

I have slowly learnt to not give her the satisfaction of me trying to break free. If let her be happy, she doesn't attack me as much.

Good. I will never leave anyway.

I know but why do you stay?

I'm saving you don't you realise that.

No your hurting me more.

I wouldn't be so sure. I'm the only one who cares for you because no one else does. Not Danny, not anybody. Without me, you would be alone.

I would be peaceful.

Keep dreaming.

Why did this happen to me? Why are they gone? When will it all over be over?

I already told you, it's all your fault. Tick tock.

What's the tick tock mean?

She doesn't answer. Instead I hear her laughing at mean like this is all a joke. I lost every thing and every one. To me this is far from a joke but I guess that is just how every one sees me now. I'm the joke.

You got that right.

Slowly the tears start to fall down my cheeks as I try my best to hold them in. Suddenly an image of that night comes into mind. The heart breaking sounds and feeling of being helpless. Hers words, telling me to run as she pulled me out from under the bed. How my heart raced so fast I almost passed out. My feeling of my body wanting to shut down and close off from the world. The night that brought me here.

Carefully, I life my hand a wipe away the tears that are staining my cheeks whilst I sniffed back the rest of the tears. I took a deep breath and began fiddling with my fingers.

A good memory of a family holiday a few years ago made me smile. It was a time before my brother left and our parents took us and our younger brother and sister to Australia. We were all messing about in the pool of our summer house without a care in the world. Our dad would throw us into the pool whilst mum would start a water fight. Our sister would be lying on a lilo and we would swim under the water and push her off. Its a time when we were all laughing and having fun. A time when we were a true family. All together and all safe. Things changed.

I was jolted out of the memory by the sound of someone bumping into a table, causing a plant to smash to the floor. I gasped, looking up to be met with him. 

"Damn it. I'm always bumping into stuff." He muttered and I bit my lip, holding back a laugh. All of a sudden I didn't feel afraid anymore. "Anyone here?"  

Should I answer?

You'll only scare him away

Shut up

"I know someones here. I heard you and I see your shadow." He said and paused for a moment. I stayed completely still, studying him. The way he smiled and ran a hand through his hair. He looked like he was concentrating hard and the way he stood was near mesmerising. "Wait Grace is that you?" 

I don't know how he guessed that but at the mention of my name, words travelled out of my mouth.

"How did you know?" It was quite a whisper but it was quiet. At least it was words.

She Speaks.

"Your shadow...It's different from others." He replied and I smiled slightly.

"How so?" I asked.

"I'll let you know." He said. We shared a minuet of silence but it wasn't the awkward kind. I don't know what you would call it. The next thing I knew, Ty was taking a seat next to me, bringing his knees up to his chest as he casually lent his hands on them.

"What's it like?" I found myself asking curiously. "To not be able to see?"

"Dark. Confusing. When I first lost my sight, I hated it. I hated being useless and loosing every thing.  I felt like I had no purpose anymore, if I could only see shadows then I was worthless. I blanked myself from everyone, turned away from my friends but then I realised that it wasn't going to change anything. I learnt to accept it and now it doesn't bother me. Actually I feel like it is more of an adventure to be blind. You never know what your going to bump into." He explained, chuckling slightly at the end and I also let out an unexpected giggle. "You have a cute laugh?" 

"Your just saying that."

"No I mean it." He added sincerely.

"Thanks." 

"So if you don't mind me asking, what are you in here for?" He questioned, tilting his head to face my direction. I stayed silent, not wanting to answer and Ty seemed to register that. "You don't have to tell me. I can tell already it bothers you and I'm pretty sure the creepy, blind, new guy is the last person you want to tell." He joked.

"Don't take it personally. I don't particularly like telling my story." I reassured and he nodded understanding.

"Well if your ever ready, i'm all ears. Can't promise much with my sight though." I laughed again. Ty seems so carefree and its as if he no longer sees the bad side of life and I barely know him. "Tell me something about yourself."

"There's not much to tell." I replied.

"Really nothing? I'm sure that's not true. How about I give you something about me first?" He suggested. "I like pickled onions." He said seriously and I couldn't help but choke a laugh. "Don't laugh, that is an honest fact. I'm offended you would laugh at something that means a lot to me." He faked a sob whilst I continued to laugh. What is this boy doing to me?

"I'm sorry. Okay...I like music, more than I should." 

"What sort of music do you like?" He quizzed, sounding genuinely interested.

He really isn't.

"All sorts, I suppose but my favourite artist is Ed Sheeran I think." I answered, going through the different lyrics in my head.

"What's special about Ed Sheeran then?" 

"I don't know. I guess his songs contain much more meaning and depth than others. The lyrics are just so relatable and I could listen to his voice all day." 

"Music means a lot to you, doesn't it?" 

"I suppose it does." I said, looking straight ahead at the view beyond these walls.

"You know, I've spoke to a few people here since I arrived. Some of them are hilarious with their cases, not in a mean way. Others I want to avoid and then there is you. There is something about you Grace, I don't know what it is but your different, in a good way. I like talking to you and I want to get know you." He said, making me feel funny inside, The feeling wasn't bad though.

"Nobody has ever really wanted to know me in here. I don't really want to know them but your different too. I just haven't figured it out yet. Hopefully I will." 

We were both silent again after that. We simply enjoyed each other company for a while whilst also enjoying the very little song that this country has to offer. Eventually the time came for me to leave for  group therapy and the second Ty was away from my, my mouth became dry and all words disappeared.

I was once again silenced.

.....