~ Paradise

~ Paradise? E.L. Elisa Laura, FreeStyle, Thoughts, Fantasy, Fiction, Love, Romance, Over? Hope? Still? Rebirth

~ Paradise

 

 

I air kissed you, from afar,

     My hand upon my mouth,

  My love, I did reach out; 

 

And well dear, to your land,

 

I lived in a dream for way too long,

      In darkened visions, of you and me;

 

      Now the day is here;

  I arrived in our Paradise,

 

The fields of hope, and trust

 

Nothing is more intense,

     To smell your skin, to touch your hair;

   And to burn with you to dust

 

 

~ Elisa Laura

 

 

Author's Note

Feel free, Enjoy! xx
Music: "Artesia - Y Ladi Wen"

Reviews

[Thaddius]

Timeless, ethereal feel. Maybe its the music but you remind me of Arwen from Lord of the Rings in your expression of that passion.

'my love, I did reach out; and well dear, to your land' captures your way of speaking so nicely, your soft maternal instinct for this lover. It makes you feel close. the 'to burn with you to dust' line, I can picture tears streaming down Arwen's face as she looks at the relic of Striders bust, condemned to immortality. This is the most powerful montage in the Award Winning Trilogy that I was raised on, so don't take that complement lightly!

Thank you so much Thaddius, for a most nice review, I feel flattered you see Arwen in this. I know the Trilogy very well, read the book more than twice :) thank you for your effort and time.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

You are making the hopeless romantic in me melt like ice cream in the sun. A very lovely poem.

Thank you Dale, I have missed you around, my friend, I hope you are well, take good care of you... xxx Elis

[jasonguinn789]

Hello,

I liked this poem a lot. Especially the images at the end, which felt very gothic. I have written a vampire, romantic novel and the last bit really fit the story really well.

Very nice poem.

One thing to fix might be some of the sentences--the first line and the last line, for some reason, stumbled my reading, leaving me to read them over again. Second time, I got it no problem. I don't know if other readers are having the same issue with it, but that was a minor issue I had.

Thank you for your effort time, comment, review, all you give here, the critisism, what would you suggest? English isn't my first language, so I'm curious with what you come up with... :) I just wrote this out of my pure feelings, I'm so sorry it sounded weird. I hope you understood it though. I am curious with what you will come up to help. :) greatly appreciated. Elisa.

P.s. This for me personally wasn't vampire. More a rebirth, of a love, and a life of lovers that can't be together. And they will in afterlife.

[jasonguinn789]

I just re-read it and I think I'm just stupid. ;)

The first coma could be cut and that might fix the flow of the first sentence. Other than that, having read it three times, it flows fine. Maybe I wasn't awake yet when I read it or something.

I think it gets better upon revisiting!

[Lydia Shutter]

The elegant passion in this write is spectacular, Eli! No matter how long the desire builds and the longing is stretched, there is nothing as sizzling as skin to skin contact....nothing as exciting as kissing lips you only dreamt of before. The imagery is so intricate....I could picture you blowing a kiss to the wind hoping it would land on your lover's cheek. Absolutely divine work! Knuffels, Lydi**

Thank you for the wonderful words Lydi, -xx- Glad you did enjoy this piece. Many Knuffels!!! :) made my day!

[Raymond Federle]

One day the world will read these works...and know what's it's been missing. Brilliant! :)

Thank you so much Ray. Always a pleasure to have you by my sweet friend :)

[Irfan Bashir Shah]

You introduce a personal perspicuity to your poem which helps you reflect your thoughts through your words. The Rhythm was good and the last stanza was extraordinary because of its simplicity and emotional weight.
A woman's thoughts are always convoluted; perhaps it's how nature works to enhance her mysterious ambiance. You too shroud your words with a dreamy perception. Your form is good and with time it will only improve. However, your grammar may need a little brush up. I'm surprised that even with almost 500 views, no one bothered to point out the mistakes. But, writers cafe, lately has degraded to worse. People here are only bothered with the number of reviews they get and not the quality of those reviews.
I have corrected some of the errors; hope you appreciate this effort and don't take any offence, as most people get annoyed here, if I don't write them a cheesy review.
Here goes:

I air kissed you, from afar,
My hand upon my mouth. (Instead of a comma, there should be a full stop or a semi colon.)
My love, I did reach out,

And well dear, to you and your land, (I changed it to: 'to you and your land'. It's just a suggestions as it adds to the flow a little bit. But it's completely up to you. Just a suggestion.

I lived in a dream for way too long,
In darkened visions, of you and I. (You and I instead of you and me. A full stop would be better suited at the end.)

Now the day is here;
I've arrived in our Paradise; (I've instead of I. Also a semi colon instead of a comma.)

The fields of hope, and trust. (added a full stop at the end.)

Nothing is more intense,
To smell your skin, to touch your hair, (comma instead of a semi colon.)
And to burn with you to dust.

I've reviewed your work before and you once told me you're a Dutch woman and English is not your primary language. I think you've really improved and outgrown yourself, and for that I must congratulate you.

Thank you very much for all the effort, and great critisism, you gave me, very appreciated. I shall have a look at that. :)

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Beautiful, romantic and deep.
Could feel the emotion ans passion put into this piece.
Well written :)

Thank you so much for your kind words :) Elisa.

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

your more then welcome :) cimmy.

[Patricia Wedel]

dear Elisa Laura... When passion fills
your mind, body and soul... we do
wish to die poetically speaking...
with such desire... it seems real.
Your pen is surely dipped in golden
pleasure. truly... Pat

Dear Pat, thank you so much for such a heartfelt, review. I'm thankful to you. Elisa -x-

[Frieda P]

You are an artiste my sweet friend, you always paint the most luverly sentiments and bring me to that place in your mind's eye. Stunning, it floats on your page into my heart, breathless kisses of eternity abide within your words. Paradise indeed! Always so affecting music too. I love this to pieces Elisa. ♥♥

Going into my favorites, top shelf toot sweet! ;-)

Thank you with whole my heart sweet Frieda, I appreciate this review so much! and your support, always so kind and gentle, can't wait to be home, to review more. Thank you -x- :)

[Frieda P]

The pleasure was all mine cara, you're immensely talented, your heart always shines through in your writing. :-) xo

You are so sweet, thank you love, you really humble me... :) I'm so happy you enjoyed this one. :)) -xx-

[Frieda P]

Only speak the truth sweetie...how are you getting that music to play, I don't see a video here, you have special powers witchy woman? ha ;-) xoxo

[Ken Simm.]

I can see, hear and feel this vision. It has all the right notes and colours for me.

I'm glad you can Ken. Thank you so much! good to see you around again!