Chapter One

Chapter One: The New Family

Dunsmuir, California; 2017

                Xander storms through the front door of his home and up to his room, not acknowledging his family. He throws himself on the bare, queen sized bed, slips the ring off of his finger, and throws it away to the other side of the room. It bounces off of his ash-colored wall with a dull thud and travels slowly underneath his bed. He sobs into his midnight-blue pillow and curls in on himself, as if the entire world is ending; which in his case, it is.

            A few minutes later, there’s a small tap on his door, but he pays it no attention.

 It comes again, more impatiently. “Xander, sweetie, are you okay,” his mother calls from outside his room.

“I’m fine,” he answers hoarsely.

“No, you are not.”

“I am fine, mother,” Xander snaps in irritation.

“What happened,” Margaret asks, opening his door.

            He sighs in exasperation and sits up, scrubbing angrily at the tears. “Zane cheated on me,” he answers softly.

“Oh, sweetie, what makes you think that,” she asks, sitting down on his bed.

“He told me.”

“He-he told you he cheated?”

“Yeah......

 

Xander, I think we need to talk,” his fiancé spoke over the phone.

“Okay, what about,” Xander asked, worrying over his lover’s tone.

“Can you come over?”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be there soon.”

At Zane Helming’s home, Xander walked timidly through the front door. Zane was sitting at a marble-topped counter with a small glass of amber liquid in front of him.

 “Zane, what’s wrong?” Zane turned his head towards Xander. There was sorrow in his baby blues and the dim lighting made his brown hair look almost black and left a dark shadow across his pale face.

“Babe, I have something to confess,” Zane stated, downing the last of the liquor in his glass.

“What do you mean.” Xander sat beside Zane on the red bar-stool.

He took in a breath and explains, “I’ve been sleeping with someone else.”

Xander’s chest tightened to the point he couldn’t breathe and he stood, knocking the stool to the carpeted ground. “You-you don’t mean that. This is all just a big joke. Please, Zane please tell me this is some cruel joke.”

Zane looked away, having the nerve to look ashamed. “I’m so sorry, Xander. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but, she came over once. You were out of contact and I was drunk. It’s kinda continued ever since,” he whispered, turning his face away.

 “How long,” Xander asked, taking a step backwards. Zane refused to answer, downing another shot of the liquor. “How long,” Xander demanded again, more forcefully.

“......two months,” he finally replies, refusing to look Xander in the eyes. “... I’m-”

            Xander did not give Zane another chance to speak. He ran out of the house and back to his car, sobbing softly the whole way. ‘No.’ Xander quietly begged, ‘This can’t be happening.’

 

            “So, yeah...the b*****d cheated. He had the f*****g guts to tell me the night before I left! It’s not-not fair, I-” Xander broke off, throwing his face into his hands. His mother pulled him son into a protective hug, rubbing his back softly with one hand, the other lightly ruffling his dark brown hair. “It hurts, mom. It hurts so much.”

            “I know it hurts sweetie; and I know it feels like the end, but I promise you, it’ll be okay. The pain will go away, eventually, okay?” Margaret continues to rub her hand on Xander’s back until he quiets and pulls back with a sad smile. “I am here for you, whenever you need it, alright?”

“Thanks mom,” he sniffs; a look almost of embarrassment adorning his face.

“Of course, sweetie; is there anything I can get you,” Margaret asks, standing up.

“Na, I think I’m okay. I’d like to just, sleep,” he replies softly.

            She nods and silently leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Xander throws an arm over his eyes and wills himself to sleep, hoping to forget for just a minute.  ‘Tomorrow will be the start of a new life. I can start over and forget all about Zane.’

Reviews

[M.R Steiner]

Hello writergirl101.

I've had a chance to review your work. first off the concept sounds pretty interesting, though I believe you may be giving too much away too fast with the introduction and prologue combined. As a reader I think these concepts should be more woven into the plot with a hint of mystery. I only suggest as much because you're I feel that introducing the core concepts could take up the first act of the entire story.

on a level of dialogue, you have a really good handle on interaction, far more than I had at that age, that's for sure. I do feel though, that some of your tags, he said, she said etc are not needed during the flashback. an action or conveyance of feeling is more than suitable :)

of course, you're young, and my advice is strictly amateur, so take it with a grain of salt. this is only stuff that other reviewers and friends have told me in my time and I'm just paying it forward.

I think if you keep working on this, it will turn into something of a classical horror nature combined with the newer sensibilities of modern haunted house stories. of course it could go somehwere somepletely different as it's just the first chapter.

hope this review helps :)

p.s if you have the time and want to return the favour, I could use your opinion on the first chapter of a book I completed a few years ago and am currently rewriting before I send it off for query again.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/couincilmanZero/1823702/

[WriterGirl101]

Thank you for your review and I will definitely take it all into consideration. Also, I will glady check it out. :)

[matrixmark]

Your dialogue is realy well written and easy to read. The writing flowed nicely and was very easy on the eye. You nailed it with the paragraphs - they were perfectly space out - not to big or to little - just right.

The story is one of a break up and you portrayed the feelings really well. A lot of different emotions were used in this short piece and you pulled them off brilliantly.



little changes which I believe would make this better are as follows.

Change this.....“What do you mean,” Xander asked, sitting beside Zane on the red bar-stool.
To this............"What do you mean?" Xander asked, as Zane sat down on the red bar-stool.

Chnage this.....Zane looked away, having the nerve to look ashamed.
To this............Zane looked away, and hung is head in shame.

Change this.....“......two months,” he finally replies,
To this............"......two months" he finally replied,

Change this....... Margaret asks, standing up.
To this..............Maragaret asked as she stood up.

It was a real pleasure to read this piece.

Mark.