Personified

Personified

A Chapter by HeyJadeXO

The purple velvet sky holds no answers for me. I stand on this cliff with no purpose. However, I can't place my finger on it, but it just feels right.

 

Both of my feet are firmly pressing into the ground, leaving footprints in the dirt. No matter how hard I will it, my mind won't convince my body to move. The wind begins to blow my brown hair into my eyes, reminding me how much I neglect cutting it. It doesn't matter; no one will see it.

 

As I shut my eyes, I become sensitive to the rapidly decreasing temperature of the breeze. The air stings my face causing discomfort. Turning my head didn't help ease the pain.

 

While I search for a stance to block out the wind, a noise beckons me to open my eyes. Footsteps accompany an enchanting tune, a song that makes my blood stir. I pick my head up just in time to see a dark-haired woman. A crimson gown drapes over her silhouette in an alarmingly, perfect fashion. She continues to glide effortlessly over the dirt as if the rough terrain were a sleek ballroom floor.

 

I watch in a trance as she dances slowly closer to the edge. She stops with her back turned. My feet seem to move by themselves in a magnetic pull towards her.

 

Suddenly, I find myself at the woman's back with my hand on her shoulder.

 

The tune is still escaping from her lips in a quiet whisper. Her body eases into mine as my hands guide themselves to her waist in familiarity. My touch didn’t seem to startle her as the song remains in harmony.

I try to speak, to say anything, but the words will not come out. Sensing my struggle, her left-hand glides softly across my face.

 

Was this the perfection I was seeking? 

 

The sky rumbles with thunder angrily. Rain drops are assaulting the ground. The lightning isn't too far behind; it flashes violently across the heavens with purpose.

 

 The woman’s hair dampens and clings to her face. The water didn't break her focus, but it is clearly time to leave. I remove my hand from her waist and hold it out to her, beckoning her to follow me.

 

Let's leave this place.

 

She raises her hand slowly, hovering over my palm, but instead of putting her hand into mine, she pulls away from me. 

 

The rain is relentless, blurring my vision. Through my haze, I see her step backward until she reaches the edge of the cliff. A smile emerges across her face as she steps off the ledge. 

 

I lunge toward her in panic, desperately peering over the ledge, only to see the red dress slip into the darkness below.

 

I shot up out of bed violently, knocking a glass of water off the nightstand. 

 

A dream, it was only a dream.

 

I rub my eyes, feeling the exhaustion course through my body. The alarm clock blinks 8:00 am in a bright red light, causing me to wince.

 

Where Am I?

 

A little voice in the back of my head reminds me that I never know where I will end up in the beginning. I find myself laughing. 

 

This type of panic is all part of the fun for them. 

 

The obnoxious radio host interrupts my haze as he yells the morning gossip to the world. There is a loud banging coming from the other room. I lift myself out of bed slowly and place my feet right into water. 

 

Stupid cup of water. 

 

Water is soaking into my socks. The banging progresses angrier this time. Finally, I realize where the source is, and I start making my way to the front door.

 

 I navigate the house in a familiar fashion. Turning the corner, I enter a living room that lacks creativity. The only thing that shows any personality is a colorful quilt made of old T-shirts draped over the boring couch.

 

I can see a football jersey with a number nine inscribed and a bright pink butterfly t -shirt that had entirely too much glitter on it. 

 

Family pictures adorn the walls with scenes of a mother, father, a little blonde girl, and a teenage boy. The family appears to travel often. Many pictures show diverse scenery. 

 A Perfect family.

 

The room is too proper. The dull tan colored carpet is clean, magazines and books are sorted by size and shape, each has a place in the bookcase. 

 

I can see one person being this orderly, but not a whole family, particularly one with a child.

 

 I force myself to take a few more steps away from the pictures, towards the front door of the house. I try to work up the courage to place my hand onto the doorknob. A slight anxiety rushes through my body as I am afraid of what could be on the other side. 

 

The banging ceases.

 

 A small, white envelope slides underneath the door slamming into my foot. I bend down to pick it up and begin to open it cautiously. 

 

Ares,

          Enclosed is your complementary clue.

                                                                 Sincerely yours,

                                                                     The Council 

 

         

The letter sends chills down my spine. I unfold the second page that is peeking from behind the written note. 

 

An advertisement for a gym.

 

The poster depicts pictures of various workout equipment and a woman showing off a perfect body. The ad claims you’ll:

 

 "Get into the shape of your life in two weeks!"

 

One person, in particular on the advertisement catches my eye. The gym owner, Havyn. I reach for a jacket hanging on the coat rack. My reflection in the hallway mirror startles me. 

 

The teenage boy in the portrait is me.

 



© 2016 HeyJadeXO


Author's Note

HeyJadeXO
work in progress

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Featured Review

Make sure you stay in the same perspective! You sometimes go into first-person, but the majority of the piece is in third-person.. keep an eye out for that.
Instead of, "The banging continued,it seemed the get angrier this time." try something along the lines of, "The pounding progressed; its volume increasing in anger." It avoids using the word "banging" twice in such quick succession, creates an alliteration (which is always fun!), keeps the sentence in third person, fixes "the" and changes it to "to," and changes the comma into a semi-colon (which is the correct punctuation to use in this situation).
Can't wait to see what's in store for Ares! I'm very interested to find out why the house doesn't seem to match their personal style. Also, who is the woman in the dream? Who is assaulting the door? Curiosity abounds!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Nice chapter. The way you describe each moment gives your readers a chance to put themselves in character's shoes. I think there's something to be said for writing that can make you visualize the events and feel connected to the plot at the same time. Keep up the ambiguity in your story because it leaves us wanting more. Take care and keep writing! :)

Posted 2 Years Ago


You create the right blend of mystery and curiosity as this story progresses, creating more questions than answers. I can see the climax of this story being a jawdropper. The mind-bending atmosphere of this so far reminds me of the original Nightmare on Elm Street, where you never quite know what's real and what isn't. It's effective and only strengthens the story. I will definitely be reading more of this very soon.

Posted 3 Years Ago


HeyJadeXO

3 Years Ago

Thanks Jack I appreciate you being a constant reader !
Jack Necron (Aubrey Jack Peaslee)

3 Years Ago

You're welcome!
first off *stupid cup of water* I don;t know why but it made me laugh more than I should have :)

excellent hook at the end of the chapter, that was some well freaky stuff :)

again, you have a better grasp of the narrative than I do, even the wording kinda changes when the dream sequence ends. shall be studying this. :)

apologies for errors, spilt coffee on the keyboard, now its acting mental

Posted 3 Years Ago


You write well with many descriptive words. Valentine

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


Again consistently bold! Progressive chapter, the blatant shift in pace is good but no less gripping. Again rich rich language. The dream haha...nicely done enticing! Who was the woman? Who's knocking at the door? and the council??? Intriguing, had nd thinking Orwell's 1984. The twist unexpected and delivered with great timing! Nicely done building a solid compelling work here. R xo

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


Another good piece of writing. Loved how the woman seemed to glide across the land. Stuff like that always gives me goosebumps. Nice little touch with the lightning and letting the womans hair start to cling to her face - good visuals. - certainly reminds me of a scene from the ring.

Just one thing - who is at the door - or is it maybe imagining that the knocking is getting angrier.

Brilliant twist at the end. Not what i was expecting.

Please do more on this piece. It's building nicely.

Mark.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


I dig how in this one you just strait up say "a dream." But Ares still wakes to that altered state. The council is interesting. From reading these you have me wanting to know who/what they are. Seeing herself as the boy was a cool twist as well. All of these together definitely make me want to know what comes next.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


A very interesting chapter. I liked the set-up for the ending. I liked the way you use description and detail. Making every scene come alive and create vision and thoughts for me. Myth and tale is my favorite. You have my attention. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


HeyJadeXO

3 Years Ago

Thank you for reading !
Coyote Poetry

3 Years Ago

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.
Make sure you stay in the same perspective! You sometimes go into first-person, but the majority of the piece is in third-person.. keep an eye out for that.
Instead of, "The banging continued,it seemed the get angrier this time." try something along the lines of, "The pounding progressed; its volume increasing in anger." It avoids using the word "banging" twice in such quick succession, creates an alliteration (which is always fun!), keeps the sentence in third person, fixes "the" and changes it to "to," and changes the comma into a semi-colon (which is the correct punctuation to use in this situation).
Can't wait to see what's in store for Ares! I'm very interested to find out why the house doesn't seem to match their personal style. Also, who is the woman in the dream? Who is assaulting the door? Curiosity abounds!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.


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Added on October 10, 2016
Last Updated on December 2, 2016


Author

HeyJadeXO
HeyJadeXO

West Haven, CT



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