Thoughts

I'm in a weird place and I don't know what to do. So I'll do the only thing I know how to do, I'll write. It's funny, the only way to silence the noise is to embrace it. To let out the thoughts that weigh you down at night, and accept. It's a constant battle. Being present in a body you can't turn off. Being aware and awake, but without control. The only way to slow down the breaks is to excelerate or cut off the road entirely. Can you truly leave the path you've embarked on, and start down a new one without any roadblocks signaling you back? Can you venture into the unknown and leave the comfort of a place you've called home? This is the question many struggle to answer. Is what's safe ,what's right? But then ask yourself, how can you know if it is, or isn't, if you never stray from the comfort of your own? Sometimes I think I'm different, while other times I don't feel all that alone. They say birds of a feather flock together, so maybe that's why they never fully extend their wings. You find habits and routines with the ones who relate, but don't help you to leave. Instead, those you cherish the most, keep you grounded in the place you ask yourself if you should still be standing at. How is it that to others life can be without care? Maybe thats what sets aside the wanderers from the seated. Will there ever be a time where you're truly satisfied? How can you grow so much in a years spand, and be in a better place financially and independtly, yet still not be accepting of it's worth? How is it that the bar then continues to raise and you can never be satisfied or in peace until you've reached the next bench mark. This is the slippery slope. If you work hard to achieve a goal, but then feel the same self- endowed unhappiness and disapointment you felt before, then will you ever really reach the top? If you continue to climb the ladder, but when you do, the ladder gets higher, how can you not feel like it's never worth the effort? You can push yourself to be the best version of yourself, but if you still remain unaccepting of your accomplishments, when does the cycle end? It's hard to think about the future, and know that there are so many goals that seem light years away. On the contrary, you can think about how far you've come in a few short years, which felt more like months. It's crazy to look back on your journey and see where you started from. It's even more bizzare to retrace the way you got there. The different road blocks, and wrong turns. The different U turns and back tracking. But then you have to be thankful in knowing that, if you hadn't encountered those bumps in the road, you would have never ended up where you are today. There is a lot to be grateful for. Understanding how much in a better place you are now then you were before. So why isn't that enough? It's a constant battle, you see. Wanting to stop and turn around, or veer left when the weather ahead seems warry and unclear. Then, you have to think, will you look back in five years as you do today, and see even more growth? If you give up the fight, and succomb to the darkness, you never will. You need to have faith that you can triumpth through the obstacles which stand in the way of your destination. It's not at all an easy thing to do. Decifering which actions, friends, decisions will lead you down which path, and seperating the positive from the destructive. Worse than all this, is being fully concious of these thoughts. Fully acknowledging and understanding that ever action has an equal and oppositive reaction then still choosing to indulge in the negative choices. The stress of this itself keeps you up at night. How do you turn off a mind that's always thinking? If theres a way, I probably wouldn't like it. Would I rather sleep and be a robot? Shutting off and rebooting. Going through the motions on repeat day in and day out? Never debating, never feeling, never understanding your surrondings. Would you trade your sleep to be mindless and just accept the road chosen for you? Or would you rather find it yourself? In search, you lose sleep, contemplating and analysing every moment that happened, before you put your foot off the pedal and tried to pull over for a rest. You can't rest what's always in motion around you. Maybe others can, maybe they can flip a switch and accept it. But I can't. I struggle to understand what's beneficial for my career in hopes that it will coincide with what's best for my mind, body, and soul. The three most important and non understood parts that make you who you are. If you're constantly questioning and second guessing everything you do, and every interaction you have, then you are honestly creating your own obsticales. You're causing more stress and making it even harder to sleep than it was before. Where do I go from here?