The Things You Said to Me

Cerca 3 AM, 7.2.16

I can still feel your fingers brush my stray hair

Out of my eyes,

Staring at me as you whisper,

“Why are you so good to me?”

You don’t believe me when I say that you deserve it,

That my job is to care,

To make sure that you know that every ounce of work you do and everything you stress about

Matters,

And that someone is there who appreciates it.

I can still hear your voice ringing in my ear,

“You are too sweet to me.”

 

But you don’t understand how it feels to not want

To breathe another breath,

To walk another mile or to live another day.

You don’t get how,

With you in my life,

Everything seemed a little lighter,

A little brighter,

And how hard I tried to be the same ray of sunshine for you.

I just wanted

to make you happy when skies were grey, and I thought--

for a little while--

that it was working.

You told me you couldn’t imagine me

Anything other than happy

Then asked one of my friends months later why

I couldn’t even look at you.

With tears brimming in my eyes and anxiety filling my nerves,

One look at you would mean losing

That bright-eyed reputation,

And that was the last thing I wanted to do.

 

There were days when you just ranted on your

“perfect girl,”

the one with family values and religion and especially

knowing how to have fun

without needing to get drunk

but I’m the live, human version of Pikachu,

putting a spark in you even when I can’t speak straight,

sleep exhaustion doesn’t stop me

from wanting an adventure.

I don’t drink to have fun,

I drink to forget.

To forget all these promises you told me that

Turned out to be lies,

But you didn’t know at the time and I was just too blind to realize that

You would never stay

With someone like me. So you swore, a few weeks back,

That I “don’t drink.”

It’s easy to say that when you only believed in the

Happy version of me,

The version that was by your side and constantly strived

To make you smile and laugh

Because it was the only thing that

Gave me life when

All I wanted was to give up and die

And now I have these memories of these lies you told me,

And I’ve grown tired of drowning them in tears

So I guess whiskey is the

Next best choice.