My October....

Pages from my diary :)

 

 

..

 

 

My October…

 

 

7^th October, 2006

 

I opened my eyes with the smell of fresh ammonia in the waiting lounge of ICU ward of the Apollo hospital. It was around 1’o clock in the afternoon and I already lost all of my senses at that point of time. I was totally unaware about the time when I last slept or the last time when I went to my home. Since, my entire mind was concentrating on one person who was fighting with death in that ICU ward. My heart was constantly praying for her and my eyes were continuously staring at her beautiful face across the glass wall of the ward.

 

I never actually thought of loving someone like this. But I changed all of my plans with my life after I met her. When her eyes met mine, I realized that I was inevitably in love with her. But now, my love was lying down in front of my eyes, fighting with the immortal bereavement.

 

The worst thing in this world is not at all when the person whom you love doesn’t love you back. But, it’s to see the love of your existence dying in front of your eyes and that too so helplessly…

 

I went back to my home after sometime and then decided to have a shower. As I was standing barely unprotected under the shower, I could feel the intensity of every drop hitting my bruised and wounded soul. I looked at the mirror and I was unable to recognize my own reflection. My smile was totally vanished and my eyes were bursting red saturated by tears.

 

I was lost…lost without my love…my existence...

 

 __________________________________________

 

 

7^th October, 2009

 

Three years before this day, I realized that “the love of my existence” won’t be able to live anymore with me on this mortal world.

I was right…

On 24^th December, 2006- she breathed her last breath.

 

It has been entirely three years now and life really changed me a lot. It taught me that, it doesn’t matter that with how much passion you love someone but at one day…they can leave out of your life forever. This life also taught me that sometimes our love can meet the finality of death and into a new beginning of life.

 

Today, I was standing at a different city, with totally different people surrounding me from everywhere. It was the inauguration of a new sport complex of my institution and obviously I was the one who was least interested in attending that ceremony. The reason is not that I don’t like places or any celebrations like that. But I genuinely do not like myself being surrounded by people from everywhere or … maybe; I’m still not able to stand on my own in a crowd. Because, this somehow reminds me of her…I imagine her running towards me crossing everyone from the crowd. But, as soon as I realize the reality…I was not able to stand on my own legs.

 

So, I informed a very supportive senior that I would be leaving that place. He didn’t ask me any reason and that was really very kind of him. I left that place immediately and came back to the college and started talking with some friends (obviously, to distract my mind). The day passed by somehow and I thanked god to prevent the out-bursting of my emotions.

 

When I came back to my home, I went to have a shower. Each and every drop was hitting me with a greater intensity than the previous one. I sat down and folded my hands through my body, trying to hold on each and every piece of mine to not to shatter again. But then, I looked back again at the mirror. It’s been completely three years now…and I was still not able to recognize myself. I tried to hold on my pieces but that became impossible for me.

 

Thus…today, I did something which I didn’t do in this past entire year.

 

With my red and conflicted eyes buried with sadness, I cried…

 

I cried my eyes out for you…The love of my existence, my immortal…. …

 

Author's Note

This is a part of my diary from both days...
And I do not know why have I written this or why have I posted it here...
It doesn't make any sense I guess...or does it??
I don't know anything right now...because I'm not even making any sense of myself...

Reviews

[TamiViolet]

The cleansing took place in both instances.....quite symbolic. Oh, yes, it does make perfect sense. You held back the tears for as long as you could.... But tears as powerful as yours eventually manifest themselves.
Similarly, not recognizing your own reflection makes sense. After trauma, we change.....

My dear friend, you write of this beautiful girl that has touched your world as no one else. Although it didn't last, consider yourself lucky to have experienced that deep, deep love. And she loved you back. She always be a part of you as I'm sure you already know.

Thank you for sharing this very intimate part of your life. You're truly a special young man, and I am honored to know you, Bhavya...

[John C. Osborn]

I commend you on sharing what must have been an extremely turbulent and challenging part of your life. You have whispered it into the wind. I hope you feel lighter.

[Tarek]

I feel so clean after reading this. Sometimes when someone abandons us we feel so alone, but then we realize that life is much bigger than just crying over lost ones. Life is about being good to those around us even when there's no good people left.

[Imperfection]

It makes sense to me. I'm sure it makes sense to many others. But it doesn't matter.
With time, I have realized that initially most of us try to suppress our grief...perhaps out of denial, perhaps we do not want to face it. In the end we fail. The tears do flow. And they flow ceaselessly.

I have written in my reviews before and I'll say it again. If you have truly loved someone, loved him/her with everything you have, then time DOES NOT heal. Then time creates new memories, new treasures and those memories and images live with you forever.

[Kevin Andros]

Hey My friend Bhavya!

Again I appalaud your strength that you find within you to write these pages of your diary and also to post it over here! I fail to understand what are you made of and by each passing day I have more and more respect for you. You never quit to surprise us by getting better at a thing that I think is the best one can ever be. I salute you my friend, for putting your piece up here on writerscafe.

Best,

~KA~

[LlamaLord]

I love how you took the same idea from the first part of your piece, and placed in the second as well. Very emotional and always, touching. Loved it. Thanks for another great read!

-Austin

[Roxy]

Oh my God! Why, why why....This is all I can ask to god right now. That why this thing happened with you?
And why it is so hard even right now.
I can not say anything more right now except crying. I'm also crying my eyes out today after reading this.
Let my tears say everything.

[!!..Love..!!]

It was both heartbreaking and uplifting and let me tell you..it made a hell of a sense!
I can read the difference in your writings of both the years. In 2006, you are broken and torn apart while at present you are stronger enough to fight with your memories and to move on with your life.

It taught me that, it doesn't matter that with how much passion you love someone but at one day�they can leave out of your life forever. This life also taught me that sometimes our love can meet the finality of death and into a new beginning of life.

This is what this writing of your means to me.
Love of life or I should write, the love of "existence" converting into finality of death and into a new life.

[Blue Rose]

True love is really hard to find and impossible to forget.
I'm sure it will take some time and many more tears, but I'm sure one day you will come out of it.
I'm sorry for your loss Bhavya.
But after reading this, I have to say that you are one of the best writers I have ever read.

[Innocent]

I agree with all the other reviewers about the intensity in your feelings here. It must be hard for you, to hold on yourself and then to cry.
I also cried while reading this. But I also have to mention about the literal beauty of this work. This has been written like a professional author, so much vivid and deep.

I sat down and folded my hands through my body, trying to hold on each and every piece of mine to not to shatter again. But then, I looked back again at the mirror. It's been completely three years now�and I was still not able to recognize myself. I tried to hold on my pieces but that became impossible for me.


WOW!

[Karl]

This was painful. Holding the pain in your heart and for three years is a very difficult deal to do.
Cry if it feels good, because somtimes that is the best thing to do