CHAPTER THREE - IRONING

�Sir, the most elementary and valuable statement in science�the beginning of wisdom�is: �I do not know�. I do not know what that is.� Lt. Commander Data � Star Trek � The Next Generation � Season Two �Where Silence Has Lease�

Chapter Three

 

Survival Tip #1: Ironing

 

            Alright.  Let me say this now so I won’t receive hate mail or nasty phone calls at 3:00 AM.  These tips have been tried, tested, modified and perfected to tailor my time schedule.  It may not work for you!  It may take some time or it may not take at all!  But at least try to enjoy yourself in the attempt.  ‘S ah’ight?  ‘S ah’ight.

 

            OK, here’s the real deal:  Christopher Columbus discovered the world was round in 1492.  I discovered clothes were flat in 1989.  And if you are in the same economic state as I am and taking your clothes to the cleaners is a special treat….the breakdown is shirts, slacks, skirts, shorts and dresses are all flat.  An iron is flat, and (are you getting excited yet?)  an ironing board, coffee table, dining room table….even a made-up bed is flat.  Of course, to have a made-up bed during the week or any time is commendable.  Truly it is.  And I do have a technique for that too.  But that’s later on in the book.  So, keep reading.  Thank you a-very much.

 

            Now, as I stated, all clothes are flat.  To make your clothes look like they went to the dry cleaners, you need a good steam iron.  When you take your clothes to the cleaners on that three-check month, you’ll be able to see how well-pressed clothing looks like. This can give you a pattern to follow when you do your 15-minute ironing.  Now, it may take 30 minutes for those of us that are “of size”.  Either way it goes, I’m talking about ironing within 15 – 30 minutes.  Folks, it can be done.  The best way to accomplish such a task is what I call “The Assembly Line” Technique.  At first, you are going to think this will take longer and decide to do things “the long way” to prove that point.  Believe me when I say “The Assembly Line” Technique works and work well.

 

            Now, for this to go as smoothly and efficiently as possible, the ‘obstacles’ must be taken away: collars, sleeves, waistbands, etc.  Now, as long as you don’t laugh, check out the illustration….

 

 

 

 

            As I said, everything is flat and, you know, when I was in high school, many people said to always iron the ironing board cover so it had no wrinkles that can get pressed into your clothes.  After coming to my wits end with those ”mysterious wrinkles” I couldn’t seem to get rid of, I decided to see if ironing the ironing board wasn’t so nutty after all.  In my limited intelligence I said, “Yeah, right.  Whoever heard of ironing the ironing board cover?  How GOOFY!  Well, folks, I’m here to tell ya…’tain’t so goofy anymore.  As they used to say: “Try it.  You’ll like it.”

 

            OK, back to the future, right?  It’s quite simple.  For skirts and slacks, work on the waistbands and front of the garment at the FRONT of the iron while working on the “obstacles”.  You should be halfway through with the waistband by the time you put the bad mamma-jamma press on the last cuff of your shirt.  OK, here I go again.  Remember, no chuckling…

 

 

 

            Needless to say, you go back and forth between items on the board.  Iron one section of the skirt’s waistband, knock out the collar.  Swivel skirt waistband, do the right sleeve.  Swivel waistband, left sleeve (then lay shirt flat).  Ba-da-band, ba-da shirt front left.  We do the band, we do the back pocket-right, shirt front right and we flip the shirt.  Band, back pocket-left, shirt back left.  I’m sure you see the pattern here and know how this scenario will end.  Just make sure you keep smoothing the shirt out to get that really nice pressed look.  The whole point is to eliminate wrinkles, right?  Now, after all that rigmarole, your waistband, front and back of your skirt or pants should be looking sweet, sharp and pressed AND your shirt/blouse is done.  And look…we’re only talking 10 – 15 minutes just for that.  Since you only have about 5 – 10 minutes left anyway, you can drape the rest of the skirt on the board and “Do The Twist” until every inch is smoothed down or (which will cut 3 minutes of work time) or throw that bad boy (or girl, to be PC) on the board and use the “2x4” Method.  What it is, the “2x4” Method, is ironing one side entirely, then flip it over and do it again.  It’s called The “2x4” Method because any skirt worth wearing in public without embarrassing yourself will only take up the entire board with half its width.  Get it?  2x4!  2 halves on 2 sides.  Yeah!  Oh! Ah! Wow!  Far out!

 

            Now, you “slackers”, listen up.  Do you know how jacked up it is to have 2 creases in your slacks?  You know, two weeks worth of creases because you were too lazy or too sleepy to tay apension to what you’re doing.  Well, here’s a way to avoid even that.  If it is a treat to take clothes to the cleaners, take them there before you pass a Mickey D’s or Captain D’s or BK and blow what little change you found under and/or in the couch/loveseat, under the kids’ bed, under the car seats, in the car seats, ashtrays, bottom of your purse and pockets of your winter coat.  Take that $3 and put a couple slacks in there.  The Happy Meal can wait.  Hold on!  Be strong!  I can feel your pain!

 

            The purpose of sending slacks to the cleaners is three-fold:  to grab when you only have 5 minutes to dress due to the lack of setting the alarm, to see what a real crease should look like and to use over and over while ironing, you know, like following a pattern.  Now, like the skirt, your waistband and pockets are done and your shirt in done.  Now it’s time for the award-winning crease…and my show-stopping diagrams for the “8x8” Method.  Like the “2x4”, here’s the breakdown for the “8x8”.  You need to iron a section at a time, always lining up the crease as you go.  Use the small end to do this.  You can line it up better with little chance of “doubling” on the crease.  4 sections on the outside pant leg, 4 sections on the inside of inside of the opposite pant leg, then flip it and do it again!  Get it?  8x8. Yeah!  Ooh!  Ah!  Wow!  Right on, dude!

 

            Now, before you get totally confused, here’s what I mean:  press the cuff section on outer leg then fold to do inner leg as well.  Repeat until done.

 

            And there it is.  Finished within 15 – 30 minutes and you’re good to go.  You’re dressed and pressed and not looking like a mess.  The Assembly Line, the 2x4, the 8x8 Methods and your best friends and they are rooting for you to get going and look good at the same time.

 

Now what movie or song did you use to track time?