This is pretty sad Chelsea. I do have a suggestion for an improvement. The line that reads, "Her heart takes a final breath" could possibly read, "Her lungs take a final breath." It just make more sense. A heart can't take a final breath. It's my only suggestion on how to improve upon your writing. I do have an exercise for you to try to help your writing. I would like to see a poem with rhymes that talk about your own religious beliefs, and how they shape your life today. That would make for an interesting poem.
Short and direct. you tell the story by describing the actions only. I am not sure if that was your intention or if you wanted the reader to feel the child's emotion.
Okay, now I'm depressed. xD
Justing kidding, dude.
It feels like its lacking something.
I'm not sure, though.
I myself would play around with the sentences and vocabulary.
Wow! its like, hysterical in a silent way, like the little boy's insides are screaming, just yelling out, but nobody's listening. I think it's always like that, when people are restrained, they're hopeless. this is really good.
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.
- Carl Sandburg
Hello! Thank you for checkin’ out my page on the café!
My name is Chelsea or Chels. I’m fifteen years old, your .. more..