Shattered Realities Book 1 Chapter 1

The introduction to our main character, Scott, and his "other" as in other self. He becomes trapped in a parallel universe where earth has evolved very differently than our reality.

Shattered Realities Part 1

By:

Cassidy McIntosh

Prologue

            Scott is surrounded by people congratulating him for scoring the winning touchdown for the Marque Hawks.  He’s at a post game party at the head cheerleader’s house just off campus.  Jennifer apparently knows how to throw a party, though Scott hasn’t been to many parties to compare it with.  There’s so much beer flowing that it smells like the inside of a brewery. Thanks to all the smoke in the air, party goers are partially obscured, and the house quickly takes on an eerie vibe.

“I’m so happy about the game!” says Jennifer, “Keep playing like this, Scott, and we’ll be in the playoffs for sure!”

“Yeah.” Scott says, absentmindedly.

“What do you think of the turnout? I think half the school’s here!” Jennifer says, excitedly.

Scott can barely contain his sarcasm. “It’s a great party Jennifer!  We should definitely do it again!”

He turns around to toss his drink and runs into Tony, one of his teammates.  He slaps Scott on the back and says, “Dude that was an awesome game!  That last touchdown was amazing! I thought you were going to get tackled for sure as you got near the end zone.”

“Thanks, man,” Scott replies, ready to be done with all of these people. 

 He sighs and wishes he were back at his dorm, working on his creative writing homework.  The only reason he is still at the party was because the whole team is here and he is expected to participate.

            Expected.  Scott always does what everyone expects him to do.  His parents were high school sweethearts; the football captain and the cheerleader.  As a result, his parents started him off with pee-wee football as soon as he could grip a football.  He’s been playing ever since, which is how he managed to land a full-ride scholarship to Marque University.  He was grateful for the opportunities football has afforded him, but all he really wanted to do was write. 

            Scott is barely listening to the people prattling on around him; however, he’s smiling and nodding at all the right moments, so no one really notices.  As soon as he feels he’s paid his dues by making an appearance, he makes his excuses and steps out into the chilly October night. 

            Breathing in fresh air at last, Scott decides to head back to his dorm by cutting through the park across the street.  This park is one of Scott’s favorite places to go to decompress and write.  During the day, he can sit on his favorite bench under a giant oak tree looking over the lake and nobody bugs him.  He can forget where he is for awhile and just chill.  It’s like he’s completely alone in the universe.  There’s a small wooded area beside the lake that has some walking/biking trails running through it, which leads back to campus and the dorms. 

            When Scott comes upon the lake, he stops to look at it for a minute and take in the way the full moon is reflecting off the top of the water.  The surface is as smooth as glass, and everything’s quiet . . . save from the noises of some small animals in the bushes and trees.  He starts off down the trail that takes him back to campus when a violent wind comes out of nowhere and gusts through the trees, bending branches low to the ground and turning the lake into a turbulent sea. It reminded him of something that he had heard about that happened last month.  There had been a freak windstorm that had damaged several trees, but it was localized to the college and the park.  Scott looks around and sees someone at the edge of the lake.  He’s surprised; because he’s sure he’s alone in the park. 

            The wind is now creating a small waterspout on the lake.  Scott’s freaked out; how’s this happening, and why is that guy just standing there?  Scott starts running towards him, wanting to warn the person to get back from the lake in case the waterspout comes closer.  “Get back!” he shouts.

As he draws closer, Scott begins to think he’s losing his mind.  The person standing at the edge of the lake is a man that looks just like him.  He has the same black hair, grey eyes, height, build; everything.  This man can be his twin!  The man turns and looks at him, his eyes widening in surprise.  “You need to back up!” the man shouts.

            “Why?” Scott shouts back.  “What’s going on?”

            The man says something else, but it’s ripped away by the wind.  The waterspout is coming closer; Scott tries to run back from the lake, but at this point the water is pelting him, and he can’t see where he’s going.  The wind’s tearing at his clothes and he loses all sense of direction.  He can’t catch his breath.  All of a sudden, he feels this pull, like his whole body is coming apart in all different directions.  It’s too much for him; everything goes black and Scott knows no more.

 

Chapter 1

            Scott awakens to the sound of rustling leaves.  He takes a deep breath.  There is a peculiar smell in the air, but he can’t place it.  He slowly opens his eyes and lifts his head to look around.  The man that looks just like him is kneeling beside him.

            “I know you are confused and in pain, but we must get to the trees quickly,” the man says, quietly but with a sense of urgency.

            With his help, Scott stands up.  “What the hell is going on?” he asks, his voice rising in fear and pain.

            “You must keep quiet,” the man says, “there are a lot of things in these woods that we do not want to attract.”

            The man helps him to a tree that has wooden posts driven into it to allow someone to climb up it easily.  Scott is barely able to focus, but he follows the man into the tree and they climb about 50 feet to a wooden platform.  Scott feels winded, dizzy, and in pain like he got tackled by the entire football team at the same time.  The man helps him onto the platform and helps him to sit for a minute.  Scott’s fear is quickly turning to anger, as he has no idea where he is, why he feels the way he does, and who this person that is identical to him is.  He opens his mouth to confront the stranger, but no words come out.

            “We will sit here for a moment to let you catch your breath, and I will try to explain to you what has happened and who I am,” says the man. “My name is Asa.  The reason I look and sound just like you is that I am one of your Others.  There are multiple universes other than the one you come from, and the one I come from.  We all exist in each universe, but the way each world has evolved and change is different in each one.”

            Asa realizes that Scott is not listening to him.  Scott’s eyes have gone out of focus and his head was drooping down onto his chest.  Asa knows he has to get him to the doctor.

            “Come on,” he says, helping Scott to his feet, “It is not far to town and the doctor.  You will be fine, you are suffering from traveling sickness.”

            With Asa’s help, Scott manages to stumble his way down a wooden pathway built throughout the branches of the trees.  Within minutes, they arrive in a central area that opened up into a town square of sorts.  There was a giant oak tree in the center, and the whole area was covered in wooden walkways.  Scott thinks that the oak tree is his oak tree, but before he can dwell on it anymore, Asa leads him into a building that has been carved out of a particularly large tree.  Scott hears Asa talking to someone, but their voices sound very far away, and he feels himself being let down onto a bed.  He closes his eyes and tries to will the pain away.

            “How did this happen?” The doctor asks Asa as he is pulling things out of cabinets.  “You have never brought back an Other before.”

            Asa sighs and says, “I do not know.  I knew I had to leave at night to avoid anyone seeing.  In their world, they have created a place where children play and people exercise during the day around our portal.  I have seen my Other in this place several times, writing in a book or reading.  I decided to learn about this Other to see how different we are.  His name is Scott.  He is a successful athlete who has people around him all the time except when he sits by our portal.  Just tonight, I observed him go to a house with his teammates, so I thought I had plenty of time to get back without being seen.  When I got to the portal, however, there was a young couple mating on a blanket next to it, so I stayed in the trees to wait and give them privacy.  Once the couple left, I saw no one else, so I started the device to bring me home.  As it was coming online, I heard a man yell at me to back away from the lake; I turned to tell him to turn back, and realized it was him. It was too late.  He got swept up in the energy and ended up back here with me.”

            The doctor brings Scott a cup of dark green liquid he had prepared while Asa was talking.  Scott was still lying on the bed with his eyes closed, trying not to throw up. 

            “I’m going to help you sit up, and I need you to drink all of this.  You will start feeling better in a few minutes,” the doctor tells Scott.

            Scott drinks what the doctor gives him.  It tastes disgusting, but medicine always does, so he drinks it as fast as he can.  He lies back down and feels the medicine start to work throughout his body. Scott stays put for a few minutes before he feels like he can open his eyes without the world spinning out of control.  He lifts his head experimentally, and, when that doesn’t make him dizzy, he sits up.  His body still aches horribly, but it’s easier for him to move than before.

            “Scott, are you starting to feel better?” Asa asks.  “I am very sorry for everything you are going through right now.  I am going to take you to my house, where my wife will have dinner waiting.  You will be able to rest more when we get there.”

            “Okay,” Scott replies, “but will you tell me what the heck is going on?”  Now that his head was clearing up, he wants answers.

            “Yes, let us go now and I will explain everything to you.  Thank you, doctor.”  Asa says, helping Scott get to his feet.

            They step out into the night and back onto the walkway.  Now that he can actually observe this new world around him, he finds it very interesting, and very different from the world he left behind.  It was night still, and globes holding lights are hanging from the trees about 20 feet from their heads.  Scott isn’t sure how they are lit; as he can see no power lines and the globes don’t seem to be connected to anything.  He continues to follow Asa through the trees and sees houses that are not only carved into the trees, but have also been built around the trees.  Scott wants to explore this place during the day; it would make a great setting for one of his stories.

            About ten minutes later, they arrive at a fairly large tree; almost as big as the giant oak tree back in town.  By far, the biggest house he’s seen since he’s been here was built in and around this tree.  Scott looks up to see how big it is, and sees that the structure goes almost to the tops of the trees, between which he can see stars.

            As they approach the door, it opens and a woman steps out.

            “Jennifer!” Scott exclaims.

            “I’m sorry?” The woman asks with a confused look on her face.  “Asa, why have you brought an Other home with you?  Especially one of your Others?”

            “Let us go inside, and I will explain everything.  Scott is recovering from the traveling sickness, and needs food and rest.” Asa replies, giving his wife a kiss on the cheek as they go inside.

            They go inside and Scott looks around.  He can see a tree trunk with poles for climbing and it disappears to a second floor built around it.  Everything is made of wood, and it is gleaming and polished.  He follows Asa and his wife, whom he figured out, is Jennifer’s Other.  They go into the dining room, where there is a large table with eight chairs around it.  Asa indicates a chair for Scott to sit in, while he takes the head of the table. 

            “I see that you recognize my wife,” he says, “Her name is Holley.”

            “Okay, I don’t know about this whole Others thing.  In fact, I don’t know about anything that’s going on.  Does everyone have an Other?  Where are we?  On another planet?  An alternate dimension? Why did you come to my world?  How did you get there in the first place?  Why did I come back with you?  Can I go home? When can I go home?  What about all my family and friends?”  Scott’s questions just come pouring out; they have been building since the doctor’s office and his head cleared.

            “I will take your questions one at a time, Scott,” Asa says after a minute of looking at Scott.

            Holley comes in with a tray of drinks in cups that have been made of both dark and light wood, giving it a striped appearance.  Scott thinks they look like small wooden watermelons.  “Rainwater sweetened with the juice of apples,” she says, “Asa, the children wish to say goodnight to you before they sleep.”

            “Yes, my love,” Asa says as he gets up from the table.  He heads out of the room, back towards the front where Scott had seen what they consider stairs in this place. 

            “Sister, do you need help with the evening meal?”  Scott hears a hoarse throaty voice that sounds like it belongs to an older woman who has been chain smoking all her life.  He turns around and is completely surprised to see a stunning woman coming through the kitchen door.  She has honey colored hair that reaches her waist, bronze skin that looks like its glowing, amazing emerald green eyes, and lips that were plump and dark like juicy blackberries.  She is wearing a simple white dress that looks like cotton and Scott can see that she is thin but has strong, athletic legs.  He is mesmerized by her instantly.

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re obviously working hard on this. And you like writing. So since you have only two chapters posted, I thought you would want to know of a few significant issues that are holding you back before they’re practiced into stone and can’t be changed.

In reading the opening, it seems that you’re watching a video and telling the reader what you see happening in a clinically detached voice. We know what the protagonist does, true, but have no clue of what made him do it because only you can see him in action, and know the whys of his actions. But he’s supposed to be our avatar, living the story in real-time, not someone talked about by a dispassionate external voice.

When you read the opening line, “Scott is surrounded by people congratulating him for scoring the winning touchdown for the Marque Hawks,” you know he’s a college student, not a pro or a high school player. Does the reader? No. Then, after you talk ABOUT him as if the reader can see the situation, you, someone not there or in the story, explain where he is, as yourself. How real can that seem to a reader who can’t hear any emotion in your voice or see your expression?

• Jennifer apparently knows how to throw a party, though Scott hasn’t been to many parties to compare it with.

Who’s Jen, and what is she to Scott? What is it about about the party that makes YOU say that? Why are you telling me about this instead of making me see it? Damned if I know.

Bottom line. This is a report ABOUT a series of events, It's pretty much all narration, by someone we can neither see nor hear. You're far from alone in doing this. Almost all hopeful writers do this because it's all they know. But suppose instead of a narrator talking to the reader and explaining things to them, you place the reader into the story as-it-happens, with something like:
- - - - -
Scott Kaufman waved an arm to indicate the students gathered in Jennifer’s back yard. “I like your house. But do your parents know about this party?” He grinned. “Because if they don’t, I wasn’t here and I’ve never met you.”

“Know about it?” She pointed. “That’s Dad over by the pool. He used to play on the Hawks, when he went to the school.”

“Ahhh…well, I have to say, you certainly know how to throw a party,” he said, saluting her with his beer bottle. “Though in fairness, what do I know? I’m an amateur at college party-going.”

She laughed as she returned the salute, clinking her bottle against his. “And, you, my friend, sure know how to win a football game. If my voice sounds a bit shouted out right now it’s your fault.” She laughed again before adding, “When you scored that winning touchdown I nearly peed myself.”
- - - - -
Your characters? No. Your story? No again. It’s a quick parallel situation to show how you can say the same thing both more realistically, and from the protagonist’s viewpoint, without the visual detail and editorial comments the reader sees as irrelevant. Look at what we learn in 150 words:

• I gave the character a full name to indicate that he's the protagonist
• The scene is set in the back yard of a house off campus that has a pool, so her parents are reasonably well off.
• Scott is in college, on the varsity squad, and very good at it. The party seems to be in celebration of a winning game.
• Scott and Jen are friends not lovers, and he’s not been at the house, or met her parents before.
• Alcohol is being served and her parents approve, and are present.
• Jen’s father is predisposed to like Scott.
• Scott is not a party-goer, so we assume he’s a good student, not just a football jock.
• Scott’s not coming on to Jen or acting possessive. She, though, appears to be just a bit interested in him.
• Because he asked if the parents know about the party we know he’s the kind of person who tries to “do the right thing,” and respects the rule of law. That's character development to make the reader respect/like him.
• Jen is outgoing, and not shy. More character development.
• At no time does the narrator become a participant, or intrude on the scene. Everything comes through the perceptions and personal biases of the protagonist, making the reader know the situation as-he-knows-it. And fair if fair. It is his story, and you're going to make his life hell, so instead of talking about him, why not let him live it with us along for the ride.

In other words, this is the same kind of scene, but presented in the protagonist’s viewpoint: showing instead of telling. Emotion-based, not fact-based. Character-centric not author-centric. Meant to entertain, not inform.

The short version? It’s a story not a report.

When you read fiction, is it to learn the detailed history of someone who doesn’t exist? Or is it to be made to feel you’re vicariously living the adventure? Obviously, you want writing that will move you, emotionally. But…how much time did your teachers spend on how to write in a way to do that? None. They had you writing endless numbers of reports and essays, but damn little fiction, because like every other profession, that’s learned in addition to the nonfiction skills we’re given in school. And when we left school we were damn good at writing reports. Fiction though? Not so much. And that's what you need to fix. It's not a matter of talent, or writing well or not. It's about having the skills and the knowledge of how to use them. And since it's something every successful writer faced, it's not a big deal. More a rite of passage.

So in the end, THAT’S what this is all about: tricks of the trade. Think about it. Since you learned to read, all the fiction you bought, or took from the library, was written and prepared by pros. So professional technique is what you’re used to seeing, and want. Given that, doesn’t it make sense to spend a bit of time, and perhaps a few coins, on acquiring those skills for yourself? So dig into it, and exchange that cart-horse we’re all given in school for Pegasus, because a winged beast can take us to places walking can’t. And also, because the act of writing becomes a lot more fun when you have all the tools, and knowledge of what they can do for you. More tools=more options. More options=more fun for the writer, and, the reader.

As I so often suggest, a look at the articles in my writing blog might help give you an idea of how much information you’re missing, and what adding it can do for you. But in the end, it’s always best to go with the pro. And my suggestion for where to begin, is to read the excerpt to James Scott Bell’s, Elements of Fiction Writing. I think that will get you thinking, and perhaps to picking up a copy.

Another, is Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s a warm easy read, like sitting with Deb while she talks about writing.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Cassidy McIntosh]

thank you for your review, I am using your advice to change my story and make it better, so thank you.

[JayG]

Before you do, for a method that places the reader into the story, and a better understanding of how viewpoint works, take a look at this article:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Chew on it till it makes sense. It has the power to make the writing so intense that if someone throws a rock at your protagonist the reader will duck.

And that''s just one of dozens of things to look into.