Mother ( A Poem in Memory)

Not the feel good kind of motherly love poetry you probably had in mind when you clicked the title. Sorry.

Can you hear my voice, mother, where you are?
I know it is no longer cast aside by the demons
Who used to run rampant in your mind
Shouting so loud that no one else could enter
Hacking down all emotion- even love for your child
Even then, the last I saw you, small as I was, I could see them
Right there behind your eyes when they would change
Into black holes, hollow, devoid of matter and life
When your mind overtook your better senses

The night the phone call told me that you died,
Clasping my own beautiful angel in my arms,
I thought I heard your laughter, and not as in your life-
Not that cold, emotionless, witch's laugh-
A warm, bubbling laugh, a laugh of peace, freedom
I think the hand of death liberated you, let you fly
Absolved you of your sin and slew the demons
I think you CAN hear me, as I tell you now that in life
I wasn't allowed to love you, because you couldn't...
No, you couldn't love me, because you couldn't feel
Not like "normal" people do, and yet
You were my mother and not loving you
It felt like a crime, and I punished myself for years

Happy Mother's Day Mom.
I'm giving you, as your gift, the knowledge
That I never really blamed you, that I always knew
You would have loved me, had you had the chance
I'm telling you that I knew there was something good in you,
Something warm and maternal and nurturing that never
Was allowed to take root in us until now
I'm telling you that now, I love you, because I'm old enough
To understand, and I know the love I have for my own
My own precious daughter who looks so much like the both of us
She continues your bloodline, the better parts of it
Those parts you gave to me that I feel blessed for

Thank you, mother.
Thank you for choosing to give me life, at the loss
Of your own sanity, and your own ability to love
Thank you for not aborting me as you'd once thought you would
And for not pushing yourself into my life, making me have to live with you
Which would have destroyed me, all told, piece by piece
I thank you for not making me look at those black holes
That were your eyes, more than once
Thank you, mother, for letting me live in peace
A peace that I know is now yours, no longer imprisoned
In a mind that disallowed you to love me

Author's Note

Not the feel good kind of motherly love poetry you probably had in mind when you clicked the title. Sorry. This one is real, the way I actually felt as I thought of her today.

Reviews

[Enigma]

One of the greatest writings I've read on 'mothers'. The poem sounds perfect. With the over-flowing emotions and truest feelings, one couldn't help but drown herself into the pain created by your words. Mothers! They are so unusual. I'm saying this this maybe because I'm not old enough to understand such stuff.But I do try my best...
Anyway, back to the poem.
"You were my mother and not loving you
It felt like a crime, and I punished myself for years"

[Helena]

Bravo! Don't apologise it needs to be shared and "put out there". I won't say I know how you feel, but I do have a little inkling of the pain you went through and are still going through. Keep penning through the pain.

I think you have done a mighty job of writing from the depth of your heart and your insight into your particular circumstances is awesome. To come to this understanding I guess has taken you a long time of soul searching and personal growth. I think you have finally come to a "peace" of your own.

Very touching and beautiful!

Blessings
Helena

[Dirk]

This is a very touching poem, dear. I am glad that you have come to terms with the loss of your mother and the love that you have for her. This was obviously a very difficult poem to write. You have done the world a favor by sharing it.

[Damian Alan Gray]

Absolutely salient. That you were able to take the reader through an entire lifetime of emotions is simply brilliant. It's striking work like this that makes me proud to have you as a member of the Vicious Circle.