On Atheists

There is nothing more vial than the atheist; nothing is more dangerous. The atheist is a wormy coward that if left to grow, will consume our forests and toss our babies from astonishing heights. How can you trust an atheist? He is a parent-less child. He goes about life questioning and testing. Instead of going to mass, he pulls a leaf off of a tree and sits down with it to contemplate existence. The atheist doesn’t follow the unquestionable laws of god. He figures out what is right and wrong on his own. How can you live next door to a man who acts or idles without the fear of an eternal hell? A person of god can be trusted to not commit atrocities because he has much to lose in the after life. The thought of someone living their life respectfully without being under a constant gaze and infinite threat is laughable. The people of god stay home at night, trembling, while the atheist and his agnostic minions dance around naked in silent streets (I’ve actually witnessed this in the flesh each of the three times I’ve questioned my faith and went outdoors after two am).

Wish an atheist “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Easter”. I dare you. If he doesn’t dramatically combust within an instant, you will be unfathomably sorry. For the atheist takes great offence to any words of warmth, especially when they allude to Him, and he will exact vengeance terribly. Venom will spew from his putrid mouth and sear your angelic face. As the poison blinds you, he will rip the bible from your hand and crucifix from your chest. He will then toss them into the nearest gutter and push you to the ground. As you crawl in misery towards your missing items of faith, the atheist will proceed to sodomize you in the streets while his surrounding agnostic cohorts cheer him on.

(It is unclear whether or not all atheists are homosexuals since they have been known to take women. The church believes they do this as an act of defiance rather than for personal pleasure. However, for your own safety, assume all atheists are male homosexuals with a feverish and relentless lust for men of faith)

The atheist will try to break your trust in god. Listen not to his words of evolution and astronomy. They will confuse you and make you think; once that begins, it will never stop and your soul will be lost forever.

 The atheist will try to take over. He wants nothing more than an entire nation of nay sayers to lead to the fiery pits. It’s very possible that a conniving atheist candidate can snake into the white house in the dress of a pious man. Although sly, the atheist president can be identified. First, the atheist president will not say “Thank you, and God bless America” at the end of speeches. At first he might be able to conjure up enough strength to force these words out, but after some time, he will tire and become complacent. It is inevitable, for he does not have the empowerment of god to endure. Queer endings such as “Thank you America, and where is your god now?” and  “Goodnight America, life is pointless after all”, will close his televised discourse. Also the atheist president will not have God’s will in his list of reasons for action or for his decision making. He will use complicated terms such as “real threat”, “evidence”, and “support from France.” If the atheist becomes leader and remains, there will be no second coming. You must not allow it. To atheist I say, this is God’s planet. Love HimimH or leave it. If he does not leave it on his own, you must make him. Such are atheists. Such is the philosophy of atheists.