On Sneezing

 

A man walks past me in an empty deli at nearly two in the morning as I’m searching for the rarest of diet sodas, the diet cherry Pepsi. I notice him pause suddenly and awkwardly before he could pay for his coffee. I knew what was happening. I’ve seen it hundreds of times in my life. I knew he would be no different from the other praise seekers. After four or five seconds of watching him hold a crying/orgasm face, the stranger belts out an excessively violent and obnoxious sneeze. He looks at me, and I at him. I’m not in his gaze by coincidence nor is it because he’s batting for the other team. He wants, no, he needs something. Something from me. I was right; he is like all of the others. Is there anyone else out there? Am I the last of my kind? After a moment of pause due to an internal battle, I reluctantly press  “Bless you” from my mouth with a hint of defeat. “Thanks brother” he says happily . He then collects his change and walks out of the door to the chime of an automated ding.

            I left the store and returned to my car pondering. I stared back at the storefront and a tear came to mine eye. I’m making that part up, but I was sincerely bothered by what had happened. It wasn’t right. What was the point? How do people go about their entire lives needing to say something so unexplained and useless? There was a time in my life when I would feel good about a similar situation, a time when there would be no hesitation, and I would gleefully say “God bless you!” and mean it, but those days are gone. The veil is off of my eyes. I’m a new man with a new view, and this man is no longer playing into the sneeze scheme, no way, no how.

 

            I’m sure everyone is clear on how the game works, although there was never a concrete lesson or list of rules put forth for the general public to follow. There should at least be a few guidelines for those who wish to participate in the sport, like times when you definitely DO NOT say it. For instance, during an exam when everyone in the room is silently concentrating, do not prolong the abrupt interruption with a “God bless you” (one person always says it which makes others feel guilty and say it, resulting in a drag of god bless you’s which could last up to ten seconds). The next setting is as curious, and certainly as uncomfortable as social interactions get. While using the men’s room, definitely do not bless the person in the next urinal. As un-bladder shy as I am, it’s somewhat disconcerting to have a man accompanying me while I piss, especially when our elbows are touching. There is no need to further the awkwardness by pivoting you’re head to the side and saying “God bless you” while we are both touching our respective wieners. Sometimes it’s best to just let one go (a “bless you” that is).

            Unfortunately, as good as these laws of the sneeze would be, there would still be the sneeze blessing junkies who will break the rules. People will break the in-your-sector rule, and yell from across a café to say those endorphin releasing words. There will always be those who suffer from the most common blessing disorder, Repetitive Appraisal Disorder (I know it’s a very creative title). It’s the technical name for when a person finds it necessary to respond to a slew of sneezes with a slew of bless you’s. There were certain occasions where I sneezed up to six or seven times and received the same amount of bless you’s from a complete stranger. I used to say thank you for each one, but now when this happens, I put my hand up to them and say “no, no, once is enough.”

            It’s scary how people can judged instantly during the event of a sneeze. We all know we feel so much better about ourselves when we acknowledge another’s sneeze, and when someone doesn’t say “bless you” to our sneezes, it automatically makes that man or woman an a*****e. I know I’ve done it before. Numerous times I have labeled a person as mean and antisocial simply because they didn’t let me know, that they knew, that I had sneezed. On the opposite end, a person is almost guaranteed to be a good moral citizen if they bless you. If this judgmental theory had any real solidity, criminal prosecutors would only have to study a suspected crook in his confinement and see if he says the words to a sneezing cell mate. I’m sure it would go something like: “Ladies and gentlemen if you would please direct your attention to the monitor, you will see the defendant not saying ‘God bless you’ to his fellow man. Is this the behavior of a good and innocent man? I rest my case.” Of course a good and moral man would without doubt, do the right thing, and the jury would be able to put this scum behind bars where he belongs.

            Now that the semantics are out of the way, I remember the first time I questioned why people say “God bless you” when another person in their vicinity sneezes. I was nine years old. I asked my father when he was with his fishing buddy at my house after I sneezed and received the proper verbal treatment. I was given two answers. One was that people believed that when you sneezed, evil was leaving your body. The second was that in the old days people believed that your heart stopped when you sneezed. I responded with something like “But why do we still say it if we don’t believe it today?” My father’s friend retorted with a broken sentence that basically said he didn’t know why and it’s just what decent people did. His demeanor altered. There was a sinister look on his face as if I had just begun to uncover a vast and dark secret society he was a part of. I silenced myself and asked no more. It was his restaurant and change was not on the menu.

            I was amazed at the ridiculous justifications for the saying of god bless you. Either reason is attacked and outnumbered on all sides. Say, for instance, evil was being dispersed through my nostrils and mouth up to twenty times a day, depending on how evil I felt, what would saying “god bless you” do for me? The person would have to have some sort of divine power to help a neighbor out. If you think about it, it’s actually more of an insult than a compliment or blessing, because in this context they are ultimately saying “may god have mercy on your soul, you evil b*****d.”For the second insane reason. When a heart stops it is called heart failure, not a sneeze. When someone falls to the floor and grabs their chest you yell “call an ambulance he’s having a heart attack!” not “god bless you!” When medics do arrive to the scene, they don’t jump out the ambulance yelling “God bless you!” continuously while one of them sets up a tape deck with a robotic voice repeating “God bless you… god bless you… god bless you.”

            One might say that I’m contradicting myself because I’ve given an example of me saying the three words even though I didn’t want to, but the reality is I’m waiting for the right time to strike. I need to gain the support of the people, show them the beauty of a world without illogical interactions. Tell them the children are our future or something like that. A manboy by himself can not go against an entire country’s, or more accurately, an entire planet’s belief without serious repercussions, no matter how inexplicable or indefinable they may be. Such is life. Such is the philosophy of sneezing.