Mr. Bartley

Some editing was manditory...

Though I did not see him, I knew the macabre figure was waiting in the shadows; toying with my sanity.  What he wanted with me, I had no idea.  It was a thought I did not wish to entertain.  My temples pulsed with the increasing beat of my heart.  My breath came in quick, shallow gasps.

Dim light cast vague shadows in my wake.  Beady, black eyes watched as I moved through this hell.  These rats seemed unnaturally large.  Keeping their distance, they stared at me, as though planning my demise.  Their claws raked across the cobblestones as they moved.

 My nostrils were inundated with the sickening, sweet smell of decay.  Garbage and excrement littered the ground of the alley making it hard to walk.  Humid, vile air enveloped me like a shroud.   Oh, how I longed desperately to be out of this place.

Feeling light-headed, I reached out to support myself. The wall felt cold and slimy to the touch.  My stomach threatened to empty itself of its contents.  The thought of fainting into the disgusting waste which covered the ground--or even more terrifying, the thought of being gnawed to death by the

vermin--kept me conscious and upright.

 

I fought to catch my breath.  Each intake of air brought a thick, rancid taste to the back of my throat.  I pulled the collar of my shirt across my nose and mouth hoping to filter enough of the stench to be able to breathe.  Once I felt I could stand without falling, I continued my search for an exit.  I staggered to the end of this labyrinth to find myself surrounded by nothing but oozing brick. 

I turned and attempted to run to the opposite end of this place, hoping for escape, but each step threatened to keep me rooted to the ground as if plodding through mud, the slippery, sucking sounds loud within my ears.  I felt the figure in shadow very near.

I trudged toward what I hoped to be the exit, and realized each step was becoming easier.  I felt relief at the sight of an exit, and was caught off guard when the ground opened up, swallowing me whole and tightening around me.  I thrashed about in sheer panic.  From far away I heard screams which slowly became louder.

Tangled in the sheets of my own bed, thrashing about, screaming like a lunatic, I must have looked a fool.  I untangled myself and retrieved my new journal from the nightstand.  This dream has me captivated, and I hasten to record it before my memory becomes vague.  I cannot quite rid myself of the eerie feeling and my brow is still moist with perspiration.  

As I sit here and write, I feel I am not alone.  I'd like to think it’s the remnant feelings of the dream, but somehow, I think not.  This brings my thoughts to the black clad figure who haunted my dream, and wonder about his purpose.  Was he a representation of some kind, perhaps of the stress I have been feeling of late?   

Though there is a feeling of unease hanging heavy in the air, everything seems as it should.  My room is sparse; I find it easier to keep it tidy this way.  The window is open a bit, letting a warm and humid breeze dance into the room.  There isn't much of a moon tonight, but it is casting just enough light onto my pages in order to see.  Normally, the dark of the evening is my favorite time, though tonight there is a feeling - one which envelopes me, closing in like an unseen force, pushing against me.  I anxiously await the dawn.  

Odd - the shadow in the corner wasn't there a moment ago.  Did it just move?  The air is fast becoming dank and cold.  Ah, but how can this be when the night is so warm?  I hear shuffling.  Surely, it’s the inhabitants in the other room, waking in the middle of the night, as I; yet, it sounds so close.  I can’t seem to hold my pen without shaking. 

Dear God, I hear breathing; certainly not mine - harsh, slow, labored, haunting.  This can only be my imagination.  Looking about the room, I can see I am alone.  Attempting to take a deep breath to calm myself, I’m horrified to find breathing is becoming more difficult.  Am I going mad?  Something terrible is here, I can feel it.  I don’t know how it’s possible, but I am not alone.  I must leave this room.  It’s here

 

This journal and some clothing were the only items found in Jason Bartley's room.

 Jason Bartley is missing.

Author's Note

I rather like this story, but I'm not sure if it moves along as well as it could. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Tell me, does the story flow? Did it work for you? Did it fall short somehow? Can it be made better? When a writer gives birth to a story, the writer often cannot see the forest for the trees. As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Reviews

[Constance-Outspoken]

I thought I would return the favor of honest, constructive review. (Which I thoroughly appreciated, by the way). I'm guessing this had nine reads and no reviews before I came along even though its a very short story because it is not a very detailed story, other than the same descriptions of nightmares everyone else always gives. There was nothing that popped out at me as original or creative enough to make me want to read more of the author's work.

There are indeed some great lines in here, particularly in the second and fourth paragraphs, that give nice descriptions that "pop", yet on a whole the story didn't draw me in and make me wish it had gone on a little longer. It should have done so... I should have wondered what happens next.

"It may seem a silly thing to write down" doesn't seem to fit into the rest of the story, it adds a more juvenile tone than the rest of the piece has.

The last paragraph filled with questionings misses its mark somehow. I feel no trepidation as I read. This sentence needs punctuation assistance: "Oh, God, I hear breathing; surely not mine - harsh, slow, labored; haunting."... as the use of semicolons here is inappropriate. The same could be said of: "Though I did not see him, I knew the macabre figure in black was waiting in the shadows; toying with my sanity. "

The flow is choppy in places, if flow is important to you. Some paragraphs do not have enough variation in the length of sentences, and some are entirely comprised of subject/verb sentence structures. Three of the first four paragraphs begin with the word "I".

While there are gems here such as: "Dim and scarce was the light that cast vague shadows in my wake. ", as well as: "I staggered to the end of this horrendous labyrinth to find myself surrounded by nothing but oozing brick.", I am supposing the writer is capable of something much more creative and enjoyable to read than this piece was.

This story would be best as an incorporation into something larger, with some great editing.

To be kind, this is better than 90% of what I read on writer's cafe. You're obviously a talented writer, but I simply didn't like this piece.

[The Perfectionist]

I've never seen so many long, in-depth reviews on a piece before. This should be fun to read.

There are a lot of things that could be said about this piece, most of which have already been, but the one that jumps out at me is that it is screaming of trying too hard. When you try to evoke emotion, it's extremely important that it doesn't come across that way. Emotions brought out by writing should be effortless and natural, and you're trying to force it. Every word seems to be chosen carefully, as if you went through the whole thing and inserted as many dark or creepy words as you could think of. It's way over the top and removes any kind of suspense you had going for you. Turn the horror DOWN a notch and it'll feel more natural and make the reader more empathic.

In a similar vein, a lot of this, especially in the early going, seems unnecessarily verbose. You change sentences around so that the meaning remains the same, but they don't read like a normal person would think. I'm not sure what you're going for with lines like "dim and scarce was the light casting vague shadows", but it leaves me more confused than anything.

Specifically, you swap adjectives and nouns a lot, if that helps you understand what I mean any better.

WHOA now, you switched tenses midway through. Even transitioning from dream to reality, that's a massive no-no.

I like your ending; the statement at the end is probably the best subtle horror addition your piece has going for it. It should definitely be a part (perhaps the ending) of something much, much larger though. Still, you'd have to deal with the things above too.

[E.H. Monroe]

The toss in of sweet in the alley description almost tells of how the person who wants to leave, is being taken slightly by it. Nice add in

“Humid, vile air enveloped me like a shroud of death.” Excellent detail

The midway dream was a savior. Not due to the fact that it was there, but due to the fact that it wasn’t at the end. The dream sequence mess has run its course at the end, BUT having it in the middle as a set up is a nice use.

The waking in the dream feeling is a nice touch. When you think the terror is over it makes its way into the awake state, which if its ever happened, is the scariest s**t to ever grab a throat. The inability to kick the dream feeling is fucked and terrible.

The found journal opens up CHAPTERS of possibilities and drips with mystery. Around this part in the movie or book I’m thinking of the payoff. What is the kicker? Who has em? Is it paranormal or is it human?
The hook has been laid open let’s get in that b***h.

I’d say scatter some words..make some things illegible. If Jason is writing in panic, find a way to put that across. Tougher in story yes, but would have that feeling of dread shoot up.

Nice work

[HoWiE]

Yeah! I like this - it is very descriptive and has a 'nice' feel of dread and decay about the piece. I liked the way that you portrayed the presence both in the alley way and in the room - I think it's important sometimes that you don't give too much away, I think if you'd have described 'him' it would have ruined the piece, so you got that spot on in my opinion.
I also liked the way that you left this open-ended, I do this with quite a few of my stories and it always leaves the reader going 'WTF!' and turning the pages over to see if there's any more. Is he missing because he's fled from the presence or has it spirited him away somehow?
This made for a very interesting read and I'm pleased (relieved) to say that it had me hooked - not a lot of stories on here do that, so thank you.
I look forward to reading more of your work - nice one!
Cheers!! ;)

[The Lit Wit]

(This is also on EMN)

Opening:

Well written, very engaging. However, the first sentence would have more effect if the exclamation point was dropped. It tends to startle the reader when ‘!’ appears suddenly outside of dialogue. There are also a few awkward sentences, a lot of which is just due to passive voice. Passive voice is when action was ‘happened to’ (example, ‘the ball was caught by the boy’) as opposed to active voice in which action ‘happened’ (example: ‘the boy caught the ball’). Passive voice adds unneeded words and says the same thing in an awkward way. A few sentences of passive voice are: “My nostril were inundated” and “Dim and scarce was the light …”

A way to fix the first sentence would be to also drop ‘inundated’ (It’s a great word, but if a shorter one works just as good, going with the shorter one feels flows smoother). The sentence could then become “The reek of garbage filled my nostrils,” which is active voice and full of only necessary words.



Structure:

Good, but there are many passive words that again act much the same way as a passive voice. Re-wording a sentence will easily kill words that just take up space and don’t add to the meaning of the sentence. Words like: that, to be, there, was, are, am, has, had, have, would, could, were, etc.

For example, ‘I was surely going to be sick’

‘Going’ is a vague word that conveys an idea but doesn’t really give any solid images. The words 'was' and 'to be' are passive and could be dropped. It could be written as, “I felt ill.” Another way to re-word this too could be to just describe how the protagonist feeling nauseous or head spinning and the reader can figure out that he feels ill. It could then just become, “Nausea climbed up my throat.”

Another minor flaw in the structure was the use of vague movement like ‘making it hard to walk,’ ‘made my way,’ and ‘started to move,’ which doesn’t give any concrete imagery. A more specific idea could be to say any of the following like, he stumbled over uneven surfaces, stepped lightly over the ground, slid one foot in front of the other, etc.



Plot:

The plot struck me as a bit odd. Usually when the protagonist wakes up to find it as a dream, the reader is not impressed because it seems like a cheat to actually developing all of the conflict into a climax, or an explanation as to why the events are even occurring. It also introduces the reader to one detailed setting only to drop it and switch to another as if the first was not important. Maybe the story could instead be him running through the tunnels and he can hear the haunting footsteps of something chasing him and when he secures himself in a hiding place he can start that ‘odd-that shadow in the corner’ paragraph. It be better in both the current plot and any revisions like the one I mentioned to make references to why he was being chased. Otherwise, his motivation isn’t quite strong enough to get reader empathy. For example, maybe his journal holds documents to reveal that monsters exist and one of them chases him to keep him from revealing it to the world? Maybe he feels he has to reveal it because one of them killed a loved one close to him and to do nothing would be a mockery of the loved one’s death? Just some ideas to develop the story from another perspective.

The part at the end in which “This journal and some missing clothing” could be dropped because it almost ruins the mystery that the reader could be left with and it is a bit jarring to suddenly hear an outside, unknown voice announcing his death. So maybe it could be a newspaper clipping with just the headline (and the text breaks off a bit?) instead? Just a possible idea.



Overall, nicely done. Good writing style, clear setting. Perhaps more details about the room and the character would be good to establish more empathy. Suspenseful read, lovely last paragraph.

Good luck,

Melinda

[Samuel Dickens]

As I'm sure you intended, this is quite creepy, yet captivating. Yes, it flows well and worked for me. It's just a suggestion, but I think you could stretch the ending just a bit by putting three stars after "I can't seem to...." and continuing then with policemen entering the room after no one had heard from him for days. Then, let one of them pick up the journal and read his last words instead of the narrator. Something like that, at least. I found a small typo, "poldding through mud"--shouldn't it be "plodding"?

[Crowley]

Holy crap, that one review was brutal....I think the writing was very good and with some fleshing out could be even better. The darkness and the feeling of horror and revulsion were very good. Trying to put an original spin on dark writing gets harder everyday. If anything I would flesh this out more, develop the character and put it into a longer piece that would allow for shedding a little light on what is actually going on. Your a King fan, so am I, look at my blog, there is only one post and it is about a quote from Duma Key (awesome by the way) and use that quote as a mantra and go deep. Nice job with this I really enjoyed reading it.

[Cleve Sylcox]

I liked this story line very much. It moves as a dream might move. I found myself walking with the dreamer through the muck and mier. I could feel the eyes upon me, and the fear of the shadow at the end. The story flowed well, moving the reader along. It worked for me giving me the feeling of isolation and dread. If this could be made better it would only come from maybe smoother transitions, but you do a good job of it.