In a World Away

A poem/song that has been a long time coming.

Hanging high and dry

With a cold wind blowing,

All has gone awry,

And slowly waning.

Darkness rules the sky

With foreboding flowing,

Stifling ev'ry sigh

To life pertaining.

 

Time drifts with the tide:

Ev’ry hour an eon,

Wearing ev’ry stride

Beyond repairing.

Roving far and wide,

No more than a peon,

Straining through the snide

And overbearing.

 

In a world away

Deep beneath the ocean,

Striving ev’ry day

To hold my own!

Tangled in the grey,

Drowning in commotion,

At the break of day

Row me home!

Through the bleak and stale,

Rolling on for nowhere,

For wind in our sail

We keep on waiting.

Weighing out the scale,

Praying all would go fair,

But with each inhale

We’re suffocating.

 

In a world away

Deep beneath the ocean,

Striving ev’ry day

To hold my own!

Tangled in the grey,

Drowning in commotion,

At the break of day

Row me home!

 

Seeking ease in dreams-

Running through the clover;

Waking up to screams

As we keep dying.

Needing genial gleams

When the night is over,

For our tears make streams

As we keep crying.

 

In a world away

Deep beneath the ocean,

Striving ev’ry day

To hold my own!

Tangled in the grey,

Drowning in commotion,

At the break of day

Row me home!

 

At the break of day

Row me home!

-EDP

Reviews

[Saoirse K.]

this piece certainly captures a sense of longing
to escape dreary entanglements
suffocation, dispair, a dying world

your use of ocean imagery
is also well suited to the theme
I'd be very curious to hear how this sounds set to music
as I've certainly got my own ideas
which I'm sure don't do it justice

wonderful poetry

[emipoemi]

Thank you! This was actually a long time coming, as it was inspired five years ago, but not all the words were coming.....until the climate change movement went into full swing at the beginning of this year, and suddenly it all came together, and I've been trying to get it out there since.

So glad you enjoyed it. And I'm rather intrigued as to how you think the melody goes (I for one don't really see any other melody but 1 - but then again I wrote it, so it's hard to see past it)

[Keith Allen Covell]

A looping program would help you if you can play harmonica. Tap on different things for drum beats even. I have bongos which are fun but I've also been planning on saving up some "Luigi's Italian Ice" cups for some time now. I keep throwing them out though haha. 😃

[emipoemi]

.....you do know there's such this exists, yah? - lol you don't need to make another "review" if you'd like to say more. Just press the clipboard with the green arrow and you get this.

[Keith Allen Covell]

This is so lyrical and beautifully fierce. I felt the song in that. I'm still somewhat in a music mode right now as I had made some guitar/vocal videos a few hours ago. The exclamatory "chorus", if that in fact is what it is, is very moving. It makes me wanna jump up and start jamming again. You've got a powerful message portrayed in this for sure. It feels to me that the emotional concept is locked away inside your poem and it's trying with every single one of its fibers to get out. You are a solid lyricist buddy. 👍 You should freestyle this one like you did "Winter". I'd be excited if you were to plan on doing this.

[emipoemi]

I had performed this back in April (about a week after writing it) at a late-night variety show (but it was at the preshow jazz jam, so it sadly wasn't filmed like my poetry performance later on in the night). But the jazz musicians who were there ended up improvising a killer score for the song that I had no originally imagined for it, but absolutely loved!! Once I'm done with my dang housing crisis, I'm going to try to petition to do the song for the actual live streamed show, for it's a song that has to be widespread. I even tried sending this song to the two frontrunners of the climate change movement, as it has an element of a climate change wake up call in it (this was an inspiration that was a long time coming, and had its roots in an environmental death scare way back in 2013 or 14, but I couldn't get the words out until the movements suddenly exploded.....the other inspiration was spending too long in the shadows without any idea about how to get out no matter how hard I tried).

But I'm so glad you enjoyed this!! I did plan some harmonica for it (I am a harmonicist after all), but it's just a matter of finding the right people to jam with and the right audience to jam to. Thanks for reading!

[Keith Allen Covell]

Oh ok...looking forward to viewing it. 👍
And that is a pretty intense situation. That's awesome with jazz band jam to it.
You're welcome bud. :)

I've been searching for new jam partners myself but am completely fine doing this all on my own now in my life. It'd just be extra awesomeness is all.
The comments here actually inspired me to maybe do a hardcore/emo improv with intermittent harmonica haha. I actually have some harmonica videos here and there. I'll have to find them on my Facebook or Instagram...I forget. I'll probably just do the improv and let you know.
Peace man ✌ Again, good work.
Oh yeah and thanks for the heads up on the add feature. :) 👍

[R.E. Ray]

I can hear the lyrics, a soft whisper becoming steady refrain, a plea for help or at least compassion. When the darkness engulfs us, dawn becomes our last hope. I look forward to hearing it sometime.

[emipoemi]

You're not alone in that wish. I can't wait to record it properly. Only time will tell when. So glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.

[Ana Papaya]

You're teasing my ears again, reaching for music that doesn't exist.
I couldn't help adding my own notes in places imagining it. Will you post it on sound cloud and share?

[emipoemi]

Once I have the time to properly record it, it will be posted somewhere. I don't have soundcloud, and I'm not a musician, so if I record it myself, it won't sound so good. But the tune is right there. You don't have to listen hard to hear it. Just sing as the words come. Simple as that. But I'm glad you enjoyed it nonetheless. Thanks for reading.

[Ana Papaya]

Cool. Try mucking around with garage band?
Or a few simple chords on acoustic. Anyway, good luck with it! :)

[emipoemi]

garage band won't have the tunes I'm looking for, and I can't play the guitar to save my life....I can play harmonica, though, but that's only good for the interlude(s).

[Robert Trakofler]

okay Bunny writes lyrics too so this is fun:) the rhythm flow is very strong I am guessing the refrain is of the same cadence but slightly slower pace then that of the body (without notes its hard to discern) when i sing it aloud i start with the first line low to high in mild crescendo then second line a sort of slight diminuendo in a repeating pattern? In the refrain portion when i sing it its in the same key for first three lines then rises in the fourth? also in a repeating pattern this my interpretation of the melody and i think it has a very lulling and contemplative tone to it. And for the poetry aspect it clicks of understanding of emotional fortitude in hopes for aspire and i get a sense of loss of time and hope and of self more than that of a lost or separated love as well the inferences lay upon more than that of the lines themselves giving to the interpretations of the reader very nicely so all and all I would have to say this is a splendid write and song to this bunny's ears

[emipoemi]

So glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, a great man once said that a song can't exactly live without the music, and I'm not entirely in tune with music terminology to be able to imagine whether you are correct in your interpretation. However, everyone is entitled to their own interpretation, and for what it's worth, I will be recording this song soon, so you'll be able to get a sense of how it actually goes. Thanks for reading!

[Robert Trakofler]

I’m a drummer that sings and writes songs in collaboration with musicians Sony terminology is bunny speak too but I am extremely excited to hear the song!!!!

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSh..]

Emipoemi, while reading the first line you can feel the unmistable beat. A beat that gathers hands moves high and low to intoduce the next line. The words take substance and our own imagery is swept away in the last lines "at the break of day ... row me home" Very intent writing framed with a haunting little hook at the end.

Sheer Terror

[emipoemi]

So glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading.

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSheerTerror]

You are welcome

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I am guessing this is a sea shanty. Just watched the new film/movie 'Fishermen's Friends and I am sure they might sing this with gusto!

[emipoemi]

Not really a shanty, but I see where you got the vibe from. Thanks for reading, though. Glad you enjoyed it.

[richieb]

Emipoemi,
You and everyone on Geek squad will have to be patient with on understanding others poetry and sharing quality reviews and comments. I am 64 and wrote my first poem 2 years ago. So I am here to learn and there is a strong group to learn from.
Since my mentor, hero and friend, Barleygirl , showered you with flattering comments I will agree that you have written a strong poem. Since there is a song theme within your poem I sensed a fast paced rap rhythm within your words. When relating to the reader about the drudgery of work and life in general, this format works well.
After reading your poem a second time, I can see why Margie graded you work so high. I felt your flow and balance much more. Your words spoke to me letting me see and feel your work. I am just learning the different structures of poetry and obviously you nailed this type. I am sorry to say I did not almost have an orgasm with your scheme as Miss Margie did, but I appreciate your talent and work.
Peace,
Richie b.

[emipoemi]

Thank you so much! For starters, I'm not quite like the others on Geek Squad in terms of how I go about my reviews. If you want to learn, I can help you in ways not even they can imagine.

But I'm so glad you enjoyed the song. It was a long time coming I have to say it came at a most opportune time.....only the people who would really make good use of it haven't shown signs of seeing it (for it's so much about drudgery but loneliness and despondency amidst degradation. But thanks again for reading. I always enjoy learning what others have to say about my work.

[barleygirl]

This is by far the most brilliant thing I've read this week (& I read here alot). I almost had an orgasm when I saw your stunning rhyme scheme, complicated, never forced, so natural. I had to run my OCD attention across those last words one time just to appreciate how you did that (being a rhymer myself). So, then the total delight of a poem so well rhymed & yet the rhyming does not feel like the central thing. Your message is so unbelievable, the way it dug up all the feelings I used to have, working drudgery technical writing jobs for 30 years & being so bored some days, but still paying attention to every detail. Even tho you describe this drudgery, there's a lightness to your message too, like underlying hope & anticipation. "Going Home" may be interpreted as death by many people, but for me, it was the unlikely & unexpected happenstance that I would become disabled & this gave me a chance to do the writing I always wanted to do - creative writing. This poem describes so much of my life (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[emipoemi]

The "complication" is the reason why this piece has been a long time coming. But it has finally arrived, and I'm so happy with it! And what you described as the onset of your OCD was pretty much how I became ocidiatic as well. My life was going nowhere and everyone kept forcing me into a mold I clearly didn't fit in until - BOOM - my mind couldn't take it anymore, and all I can do is write my way into the world....which is not very easy given every publisher would rather put money in s**t than quality, and it drives me up a wall.

But, though your interpretation of this drudgery is not bad, my messages are very well weaved into the lines that you do have to dig a bit more in order to find them (I consider myself a metaphysical poet in that sense), but the keys aren't that hard to find if you know where to look. But I'm so glad you enjoyed the piece as a whole (and had a whole cathartic experience). Thanks for reading.