9/27

So, today is the day I signed up for writerscafe and finally have the chance to tell complete strangers every little secret (that i'm willing to share) I have. Well, lets get started.

It's certainly strange writing a journal for everyone to see, but I suppose this is what I wanted. I picked out a font that matches with my actual handwriting (only shows up in drive, sorry), but I really don't think it matches quite perfectly. I have very distinct handwriting, that's what my English teacher once told me.

So, where should I begin? Right at the beginning? Geez, if I were to do that this entry might get super long. Let me shorten it down then. I hate talking about my family situation, but because that is important in sharing my tale I will dabble a little into it.

My mother was only married to my father a short time, about 5 years, give or take, I wasn't old enough to remember anyway being the 6 year old I was. So anyway, after my mom divorced my dad she met this very abusive man. He became in control of our lives soon there after. I will talk about him more as this journal goes on. but whenever I think too hard I get bad.

Oh yeah, I should probably mention that I am really screwed up. Like really super screwed up. Almost crazy sort of screwed up. There really isnt a way to explain myself without rambling, or maybe there is I just don't see it. First of all, I play the biggest most dangerous game. Its not a formalized game, and I am the only player. Let me explain.

Regardless of what the age on my account says on writerscafe, I am actually only 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. My game began around the time I got into middle school. I have never really had any friends, but I already know why. So, before I explain my game in full detail I need to tell you a little bit about me personally. I am an a*****e (for lack of a better word) and I really don't care for other people. So I started a game. This game works like this. I get some friends, in order to do that I play nice. I'm not very social, and what I just learned a few weeks ago a complete introvert. Really, I do want to be accepted by other people. But I know that is completely impossible. So I get these friends, they are pretty much a facade I have created, they are real mind you, I just have them to complete the TEEN NECESSITIES and thats it. Meaning that I hang out with them in school, we talk and do certain things but only AT school. I never hang out with them outside of school. But when I am asked if I want to go somewhere with them, I say yes, to keep up that facade.

I am an utter failure, I know that. I am probably even depressed, I have actually thought about death a lot. But recently, about a week ago, maybe longer now. A girl died from my school, we were actually friends. You know, the friend that I have just to pretend to be a normal teenager? It was suicide, from what I can gather. R.I.P my friend. And the school told everyone during first period.

I know this sounds terrible, and believe me it is, but I’m glad I found out that the school was going to drop bomb shells on EVERYONE that one of the students committed suicide. Because now I feel more inclined NOT TO DO IT. Particularly because I APPEAR to be one of those girls that wouldn't take their own life. (At least thats what the rules of the game tell them) but that game can get pretty boring or irritable soon.

I get tired like right at the end, usually a few months in, and I break down. I never cry in front of my friends. I make it a rule, my family doesn't even know that I cry myself to sleep practically every night! And I really do not want them to know.

When I do get back to my “normal” phase, to everyone else it is me being sad and they ask me what's wrong. I say “oh, its nothing, just feeling a bit down today” but that usually is translated to “I feel bored of my game and too tired to pretend I care about you”. I’m a selfish brat.

A while ago, i'm my actual journal, I wrote this one quote I think describes me perfectly. “Why would anyone care about me when I don't care about them” and its completely true. For some reason I just expect everyone to love me. That somehow, if I play my game long enough I will get popular. But honestly popularity means virtually nothing to me. And even less so. Nothing about a ton of people (like more than just the 5 or so friends I have conned into liking me) asking why I am down that day, when I’m down everyday and would like nothing more than to get hit by a bus or to drown in water. That would be FAR too many people asking the same damn question. I dont even know how the “pops” - thats what I call them - do it! How the hell can you have 500+ friends, go out every freakin day, date, enjoy life, do homework, study and still get A’s on the AP tests in US history!? (Oh ya, I'm in AP US history, it is NOT fun. College is hurtful to my eyes and I still get C-’s on my tests… I certainly envy those inhuman classmates of mine.

Other than being insecure about friendships (which for some reason I find meaningless) I am also more than likely depressed. Hell, I have made 3+ plans on death, none of which I actually want to do, but have still have planned anyway.

Hmm.. OK, If you have read this all the way through you are awesome. Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on about pointless mismatched crap. So, if you did read this, and you have a writerscafe account, would you leave a review? This review is not about my writing please. I want to know what you think of me. Please be brutally honest. I already know that I am a jerk and I probably do deserve to go to hell and never come back. So, can I leave off with a question for anyone who has any interest in this journal of mine at all.

“How am I as a person?”

Bella

Author's Note

Bella-- Hey, its me. So, if you read it all the way through you will notice a little question. If you do not want to answer that's fine, I'm definatly not worth your time anyway. This is the first time I have ever come out with my true feelings. I really am a sadist. So, let me know how you like.. well.. me. I wont come after you or anything if you say I'm a horrible person, I think the "I only have friends because thats what society asks of me" is pretty stupid selfish enough. So do not worry about calling me any names you wish. All the best to you.

Love, Bella

Reviews

[Isabella Disney]

Bella, i completely understand. And please do not take that in the generalized im-just-saying-this-to-look-good-way. I'm 17, i live in a home for misfit youths. I'm on medication for depression and i have anxiety disorders. I cut myself, I know how it feels to plan suicide. I know how hard it is to keep up that game. I'm very familliar with the realisation that i have been such an ignorant fool in regards to others caring about me. the only reasons i am still alive are that i think suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. Now, that only applies to me. I know (and i am not being stuck up here) people need me. I killed myself, i would offend lots of people. the second reason, a more recent one, is my boyfriend. I have developed a Bella Swan and Edward Cullen bond of love with him. Even thinking about not being with him i start to have a panic attack, and from what he says, he feels the same. so if i killed myself, i think he would too. And i just cannot allow that.
Bella, i understand your game, i used to do that. But, i developed bonds with these people. So instead, I've made it my goal to do my absolute best to make them happy. Naturally, i fail at this. But it is with -dare i say it- Hope that i continue. Society is a challenge i can't win against, but i will not omit myself from this battle ring. You are not a selfish person. You are Honest. You are who you want to be. There is nothing wrong with how you choose to live. But perhaps ask yourself this: 'can i give myself up for the benefit of others?' you may just find yourself surprised.
feel free to message me or whatever, my shoulder is free of toll for criers.

[Rose Whte]

Bella, ..How's things going? There is nothing wrong with you wanting down time alone. Some of us it takes more energy to be social then others. I also want to say that there are a lot of depressed people in today's world, just don't give up ( I have to tell myself this more than I like).

[Grace Revell]

I like the way you express yourself, you're so angry and I'm so glad that you put it on here because you're a good writer. I'm also 15 and I think that you're much better than suicide. Keep going and I know it sucks but that's life. Head up, move forward.

[Bella]

Thank you for the review, when I wrote this I was a bit pissed. For calling myself an average joy my life has far too many twists and turns for that :). I will continue to write this journal, I've never expressed my true feelings before since I've always been stuck in this box. But this is actually kind of fun. I was really expecting to be hated a lot more than this, so this is surprising. Well, thanks again!

[Geo]

Hay ,,,,, Hi Bella ,I am George , my writing is not so good but i want to tell u that i read yr paragraph , as u said u are 15 but from yr writing u seems elder. Any way , I think that suicide is for cowards and this hole idea of finishing every thing will not fix any problem . Also, I would like to tell u that all humans are selfish and u are not the only one ,,,,, a very important point is that selfishness is one of the greatest reasons of uniqueness :)
and this game of faces , we all play it u don't need to think so much about it , maybe thinking about it is the reason of yr depression.
and yr problems are not very big u should be more optimistic more energetic with all my respect
if i want to describe u in one word i would say that u are peaceful ALLL THE BEST

[Bella]

Thank you for the review :). I actually do have a lot bigger problems which I'll get into as this goes on further. I am surprised to hear that a lot of people play this game... I'm not sure it is the same as mine though. And I would like to point out that I also find suicide cowardly, that's why I haven't done it. As for sounding older than 15, its because of my mindset. For some reason I think on a higher level than everyone else, maybe that too is selfish, but that is what I have noticed. Thanks again for the review, :D

[Geo]

your welcome ;) ,,,,, I would like to tell u an information about me so u can feel that all yr problems are very very small in comparison to me :)
actually I am from Syria and of course u heard about Syria our government is in a very very big war with terrorists from 4 years and because of this war i didn't live my childhood and even now i am over 19 years old and I have a lot of big big problems that i have because of the war , I left my family and I am living lonely from years and facing and handling with problems which don't belong to my age , I saw explosions , i saw rockets hit the people while they are walking peacefully doing there work and kids going to there school every day i walk up and pray for tomorrow wishing and asking this war to end up , imagine waking up and u have no water no electricity from month , we can't think for future all our dreams broke and all we are thinking is to back home and see the hole family at home okay ,,, life is so dark in my place , here we dream in peace we dream in yr life , as u can see from my name i am christian and because of this war because of the terrorism we are afraid of being murdered because we are who we are ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ....... what do u think now u should be thankful for every thing u have :)

[Bella]

Hey, I know that I'm pretty selfish. But I am greatful. My problems in comparison are super small. I only have mental problems and a bad past. I really don't know If it is at all relevant, but I lived with an abusive man. I think I mentioned that I planned suicide. My reason is because he told me (my mothers husband, now ex husband) that he was going to kill us. Several times he would make this claim. I never really believed him until the day he made it clear. I have raised my siblings since I was 10. Both of their parents are jerks. I hate my mother, and if you knew her you would hate her too. I'm never going to forgive her for what she did to us. (There is more than just her husband, but I'd prefer not to talk about it) I do feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself, in fact its my biggest faulter. I have seen my mother and brother beaten many times. I have never seen anything too brutal in real life, and based on how I reacted in my past I don't thin I could have had the willpower to continue on. I didn't have a childhood. I was literally trapped in my house and only ever allowed to leave for school. I confid myself to my room, terrified that I would get hit for eating out of the wrong cereal box. (That example has actually happened before. I don't want to commit suicide, I'm too curious about how this issue ends I can't do it. What I actually want is to disappear. I want to be erased from this world, to take back everything I have ever done. There will be nothing left of me. My being born would never have happened, that is my perfect world. I'm sorry too, if that is even appropriate, I'm not sure. Well, those are my problems.. I'm pretty pathetic, aren't I? Feeling sorry for myself when there are a billion more people worse off than me. Life is cruel, yet its beautiful. And so, what have to be greatful for are my brother and sister. I live everyday for them. I want to get them out of hell as soon as possible, but it looks like the government is giving them to their father... I prey they stay safe, or I will lose.. Well.. Everything. My world is too small

But thank you a ton for the review and amazing advice. It really does open my eyes to a lot of things, I hope the best for you too, good luck.

[Geo]

merciiiiiiiii , I am glad that I helped u ,,,,,, actually I am very very happy that I can be useful :) do u know what I am interested to see u now not literally , I mean by Facebook maybe I would like to see how u look jajajaja........ would u ? if u don't I have Nooooooooo problem and gd luck to u too

[Bella]

I see. The only problem is I don't have a Facebook or anything like that, sorry. I don't like those at all and use email instead. I also have a personal rule, there are no pictures of me online. And I would, maybe, consider it.. The only problem is I'm not very good looking and am not a big fan of pic's either. Though I am curious to know what strucked the interest, not to be rude or anything, just no one has ever asked this before.. and thx :D

[Geo]

ohhhhh jajajajaja u shouldn't say that ,,,,,,,, we are all beautiful u know it is the personality which distinguishes us and every one is unique in his own way >>>> also i am a big fan of photos jajajaja ,,,,,, now if u would like to talk with me or have my advice in some thing i will be here