9/29

So why can't I have "real" friends?? You'll have to read to find out.

Hey, this is Bella with the update of updates (JK) nothing really happened today. I have also realized that talking about my daily events is somewhat boring so I will talk about ME (ya know, cuz I’m self centered) and some of the events that are great! Lets begin!:

I’d like to give a special thanks to everyone that reviewed my very first entry (9/27) that is what has given me the drive to write more. One review in particular I had a lot of interest in. She mentioned bonds (Writes Some Awesome Poems too!!). So, thats is where today's “discussion” will be. Furthermore, I can not make bonds. I have tried (a lot) in the past, but they always only get so far right before they break down.

One of the biggest examples of this would probably be my boyfriend (ex boyfriend) Oh yes, I have dated! Two guys actually. (It was not great). Anyway, I got scared in my first relationship and broke up with him 2(ish) days later. (On his birthday, which I feel so guilty for) Its ok though because we are best friends now. (As best of best friends as I can get, he lives across the country now so I never see him). As for the only guy… Where do I even begin there? Well, right before he dumped me we went to the library. We were actually supposed to kiss (yes, I haven't kissed anyone yet), which I freaked and ended up avoiding as much as possible. After we parted ways he invited me over to watch a movie… I ignored it because I didn't want to freak like I did earlier that day. (Which I am not honestly sure if he caught on or not.) Anyway that happened a few weeks right before school started. He is currently dating one of my friends younger sister. We really do not talk now. Even though he offered to stay friends I ended up refusing that and even ignored and avoided him in school. I think he gave up trying to talk to me too, because he doesn't come near me anymore.

There is a reason that my dating relationships do not work out. I am actually terrified of men. This actually ties into my mom’s abusive ex husband whom I lived with for a few years. I don't really want to date anymore. Being afraid of my boyfriend was painful, not just because I was scared to even get a hug from him, but because I knew that I was holding him back. I may be selfish, but honestly I feel so bad for being his girlfriend for almost a whole year. To be honest I’m not even really sure if I can date anymore. I’m so terrified of getting that close with a guy.

I also can not form bonds. Thus the game I play (the one that only fulfills my teen necessities).

Oh, I have to do this presentation in health class that’s due friday :P and of course as the procrastinator like I am I havnt even started. (lol) so heres what I got to do. I need to read an article that deals with seven area’s of wellness… I have no idea where to even start, so I think I will have to look around for a quick article. We are also watching this movie which we started today, its “to save a life” but it looks more like a guy who abandoned his friend, friend commits suicide, and he feels guilty and goes to church where he decides to help teens and children going through the same thing as his friend did, hoping to repent or something. I like it though, I think its interesting.

I really don't know what else to write for a journal… To be honest I’m not even sure how to write these things (*sigh*)... Oh! If you have any suggestions on how I can make these entries far more interesting let me know!!

As for the question! (since this is becoming a habit now :D) How can I form bonds when I’m scared of people? And what do you suggest for my BF problem??

I love you guys for listening!! (referring to the awesome reviews on the first entry) Thank you a ton! *hugs*

Love Bella :D

P.S Check out my story "Kara" I plan on making a story!! Let me know what you think

Author's Note

Hey, so just like on my first entry I would like some brutally honest reviews not just on my writing but on my situation on friendships... ALL advice is appreciated Thx.