The Beautiful Lady

A guy sees a beautiful lady, and wants her for himself!

 

He walks in from the freezing snow,

the room is crowded and noisy.

The atmosphere is welcoming,

as if someone has lured him in.

 

He notices right away it's not a

place he would normally  show

his presence, he's about to leave

when the crowd parts, that's when

he sees her.

 

She is all alone, no one pays her

any attention.

Suddenly he feels heated, feet are

immobile, mouth dry.

 

She stares at him with big ocean

blue eyes, that sparkle like the

stars along side the moon.

Her luscious red lips are sightly

puckered, as if waiting for a kiss,

golden blonde hair that drapes over

her shoulders is radiant as the sun.

 

He moves toward her, feeling

mesmerized by her pure beauty.

He has to have her for himself.

Wallet in hand he looks at the

price tag on the portrait of the

beautiful lady.

 

 

Author's Note

Hope you like it, let me know what you think!

Reviews

[Invisible Ink]

Great twist! Nice descriptions. The title doesn't grab me. I have a funny suggestion, because at the end, when he takes out his wallet, it seemed maybe she was a prostitute, which just made the ending all that much more fun... title something like, "Love For Sale"
Could you add more adjectives? Is he in a gallery?
here are a few minor corrections...

the room is crowed and noisy. - crowded, maybe warm glow of lights?

He notices right away it's not a
place he would normally show - give us some hints why?
his presence,

She is all alone, no one pays her - where?
any attention. - what expression on her face?

Suddenly he feels heated, feet is (are)
immobile, mouth dry. - I like this description!
She stares at him with big ocean - love this! this is very strong
blue eyes, that sparkles like the (sparkle no -s)
stars along side the moon.

Her luscious red lips is(are) sightly...
golden blonde(no e) hair that goes past(passed) the
shoulders is radiant as the sun.

prize tag on the portrait of the
beautiful lady.

I think if you ended with portrait, it would be stronger. Enjoyed this one!

[HopelesslyDevoted]

i agree- AMAZING!! i really enjoyed this on!

[SpokenWord]

I see this one as more spoken word than poetry so of course I love it. I was able to find the pulse or flow of the poem and it read perfectly. I liked the way you described the woman moving us from one visual bliss to the next as you build up the situation for you final twist at the end. Executed perfectly, very good peom/spoken word with a twist.

[Bridget Mcmaken]

wow this is amazing!!!! I love this! wonderful write!

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

lovely and romantic~

[Dream Weaver]

A clever and interesting read, well done 101 :)

[sarah]

awwwwwwwwwww so romantic! I love it

[Deviant Works]

I just loved the way you explained the beautiful lady, her eyes especially, then shocked me at the end when she was merely a portrait. Cruel reality. A very great write. You never do lack of "Imagination" do you.:)

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This is beautiful.
There are moments where we see humanity
in the eyes of a portrait. You put a sweet twist
on it.

[Morgan]

i agree with the comment below me(: