Confession

 

image: Redd Walitzki

Confession

 

I did not mean to say his name.

It was nothing but a whisper,

Yet

It caused me so much pain.

Where there once was love

Now

Hatred has formed a festering disease

That rots my mind.

It is like a gaping cavity

That eats away a hole in one of my teeth -

Gnawing and chewing

At the enameled exterior

Till it reaches the sensitive nerves

Where it settles…

Prodding me with continuous pain.

My passionate distaste for one

Particular human being

Whose name has poisoned my tongue

Is the cavity in my heart.

A surgeon

If he pulled back the skin

Across my breastbone and

Cracked the hardened calcium

With a hammer

Would see this black gunk that stinks

Sticks to his scalpel and gloves.

Because I am not

A beautiful woman

Though men have told me otherwise.

They only glimpse a mirror.

They never seem to see

The other half of me

Since the ugly part is secret

Held tight to my chest where

It soaks into my soul

Like ink to paper…

That is where my love has gone.

Hate has formed a cavity

Of wretched goo in the deepest places

Of my person

Causing me to never feel

Quite perfect.

But I know perfection is unattainable

And that depresses me.

My depressions become a potent

Thing

A blob of nasty that oozes

From my pores and goosebumps

It confirms that I am not desirable

In the way which I crave love.

I am not a suitable mate

Just a bed-fellow

For men in love with

A reflection

A dimming image.

I am nothing important:

Just a combination of cosmic dusts;

A molded imperfection.

I have accomplished little worthwhile.

No grand title supports my name -

Not a suffix nor prefix.

I know slightly of adventures

But nothing spectacular ever happens to me.

Oh how my heart grows heavy with the thought.

Yet,

A burning desire lingers; that I be

More than my destiny prescribes -

Someone of importance.

I should be a role model

Who spurs the world to triumph and change

By the scratch of pen to paper.

Not a biting scorpion filled

With lustful Hate

Embedded in her heart.

I would if I tried

Though I find myself quite satisfied

To let the gaping flesh

Twist itself;

Form scars.

Nothing here inside of me can bring to life

The passions of accomplishment

And thus, my words drip with ooze.

An outcome of my sloth smears the keys

Making the words that would:

Seal my fortune;

Set my fate;

Restore my flame;

Disease upon the page.

Such I will forever remain -

Cosmic dust and bad attitude -

Nobody important…

Drowning in disgust

Because one Man

Proved himself a frozen lake.

Oh he was deep and

Majestic;

Oh he was beautiful but

Going nowhere.

To watch him thaw

Proved both frightening and inspiring

He matured me in many ways

In many sins

But I was not happy

I was not fully me

I was limited.

The waves he created

Were suffocating me

Oh how I was not ready!

I’d have rather stayed dreaming…

Even as a life-giving force woke

Above the horizon.

The sun is a fixed point in my vision this crisp morning -

I see

A glint of fragmented light

Shining above the crashing waves

As I lay bedded in the silt.

Though he is the one to lift flowers from their daze

And stir the creatures from their slumber

He laughs at me

In a vain attempt to see me smile

Smile?

I will not succumb!

This sun surely looms as a presence for demise.

Within him

In all his power

He does not bring life but another day

To live in this infested world

That has long ago lost its understanding of love.

He beams joyously over lands and people

Over our dreams and hopes

All shattered by reality.

He shepherds all things closer

To a death we do not control.

Beauty: faded this morning in crimson clouds

Is nothing but a lie that leaves me bitter and

Skeptical of the stars.

But, oh…what a burden

Is a heart full of hate!

If only a more vital force could

Restore my passions -

Those which first doomed me -

And where hatred resides -

Produced by the actions of One -

Awake a soul burning.

So the rising sun brought with himself

The scent of a new day

And I inhaled a sweet fragrance

Till inside my heart

A heat did coil and then erupt.

A purist flame consumed my fear,

Expelled my hatred,

Kindled profound understanding.

I cry out!

On bended knees I beg the sun

Do not laugh at me!

See in me what others have not.

I beg you, help me bloom:

A thorned rose

Amid the mires of my past.

Awake me from this slumber.

Open heavy lidded eyes that view

The world as ash.

Release this soul from burdens

That keep me anchored to the mud.

And as my eyes are opened

Hope shined, radiant and pulsing -

A production of my yearning

The answer to my plea…

An independent woman

- Free to love and laugh -

Breaks the surface

Of this cold and stagnant pond.

I inhale my first clear breath

As the icy waters release their grip

Upon my lungs and I

Take flight!

On wings of warmth brought by the sun

I previously had scorned.

He carries me to unknown worlds

Where truth has built reality

And fear is but a figment

Of imagination;

Where hatred is nothing more than

A memory's phantom

Fading like a mist.

Triumphant!

I shrug off the old to embrace the new

And thus

Transform

As phoenix from the ashes

Now worthy of consuming flames

The all-consuming fire eats away the vile goo.

Exposed is a heart newly clean and tender

Pumping in my chest.

Reviews

[Meraki]

Déjà vu.. I see a poem I can name and another I know I've read though at this moment it's name escapes me. Nonetheless it's a dark and eerily truthful confession in my case. My favorite line:

Beauty - faded this morning in crimson clouds -

You took a few poems you saw as a confession of what you view in your reflection and made them new (an entirely different perspective) in the beginning a shadow of your past that causes you such agony that there is tar where your heart should be, and you deem yourself unworthy of ever being happy, causing you to look at the sun in such a way that it's brilliance is mocking you. Why because you cannot see yourself shining back? Or is it that the truth has been twisted, so no one can speak of how brightly you shine without it being a lie because only one answer is acceptable in your mind, that there is nothing bright about where you stand because feel you're on the outskirts an alien in human skin. So you lose yourself in stories to escape and shield yourself in hopes that you can one day forget.

Sorry a bunch it's something that came to mind whilst reading this. It really and truly is a confession I see, not saying that what I said is true, I'm probably over thinking it, and most likely way out of line. But in way of poetry it is beautiful.

[R. L. Hill]

I'm not surprised that you picked up on other poetry that I have written. I took poems that I formed individually and put them together because they flowed so effortlessly into confessions. I think you hit the nail right on the head in the large paragraph because it is true. I'm glad that you found it beautiful ^^

[Meraki]

Oh well yes I remember commenting on them. You're right I had to make sure I was reading the same poem for a second I didn't even realize when or where they began it was seamless. Well in that case it certainly was a deep confession. Yes it's true (official) you are the scorpion.

[R. L. Hill]

HAHA. Thank you! I just edited so I would love your opinion on the updates.

[Meraki]

It certainly ended in an upbeat mood nonetheless I like it more. There's hope and a strong sense of accomplishment at overcoming such an obstacle that was reflected in the beginning.

[R. L. Hill]

Awesome. That's exactly what I was hoping for! Perfect. I'm submitting this into an actual love poem contest on feb 1st. I've been struggling with an idea and finally it just hit me. Exciting.

[Meraki]

I hope you win!

[R. L. Hill]

Me too! Haha

[Vidya Bacchus]

Sometimes we push away those who love us because we feel unworthy.This was such an awesome one :)

[nike butenco]

a lasting sentiment in a long poem))

[R. L. Hill]

Very much so

[MsJewel]

Wow...the entire poem is incredible, but these lines really blew me away...
Help me bloom
A thorned rose
Amid the mires of my past
Awake me from this slumber
Heavy lidded eyes that view
The world as ash
You have spun a dark tale into a love poem and it is fantastic!
:) Julie

[R. L. Hill]

Thank you, dearest! I'm so very glad that you enjoyed this. I'm very proud of it ^^

[Scott Metro]

Very, very descriptive...dark...
I cry out
On bended knees I beg the sun
Do not laugh at me!
Heavy heartbreak message..
One of the best I've read from you.
Scott

[R. L. Hill]

Thank you so much, Scott! I'm glad it reached out to you.

[Scott Metro]

:)
Scott........

[Raymond Federle]

This is awesomely sick! Twisted and dark and faaaaaaa-bulous ! :P

[R. L. Hill]

Thank you, Ray! It was very hard to write, but I think totally worth it.