Chapter 3

I dropped my bag off and surveyed the damage of Seb’s apartment. It was a beautiful little flat, with a tiled kitchen to my left, an open living room straight ahead, and a sweeping balcony that beheld the sea on my right. It was airy without losing any of the coziness that actually encourages a space to become a home. The bathroom was off the wide-open living room, as was his bedroom, which had another balcony all to itself.

As gorgeous as his place was, it needed some intensive intervention. Papers, clothes, random clutter, stuff was just everywhere and I couldn’t even fathom how they ended up in their current resting places. It was all there, strewn about in random chaos. I mean, the remote was in the microwave and he had books in the fridge. If that wasn't a cry for help, I don't know what is.

It was possible that Seb was delving into the soul and psyche of his character, of whom I knew nothing about, but this desperate. Now, I don’t fancy myself a maid and I also try to avoid messing with other people’s stuff, but this was barely inhabitable. I could at least organize and then get on Seb later to put things away, or ask where their proper place was…from someone who had previously chosen this exact dilapidated condition of living, it’s not fit for living at all.

Clean the space, clear the mind.

I turned on some tunes and lost myself in the work. Time passed. Clothes were picked up and folded, books found shelves, and I was done making the place respectable before I even knew it. I was shocked with myself, considering the burning hatred I have to put in more than five minutes of cleaning in one go.

As I knew the lack of edible contents in the fridge, I headed out for the closest market. Seb’s appetite was most likely non-existent, considering the scary reality of the whole “break-up diet” thing, but maybe a bit of a home-cooked meal would tempt him. I naively allowed myself to hope.

Strolling the Spanish streets was exhilarating and much needed after breathing in cleaning supplies all afternoon. People were milling about everywhere. Some were shopping, like myself, while others seemed to be taking advantage of the beautiful day, enjoying outdoor patios and engaging in lively conversations.

I found a grocer not too far from Seb’s flat, picked out some vegetables, beef, cheese, and wine (lots and lots of wine), and headed back. I was surprised at myself for not exploring more, but my ‘mama bear’ mode would not be inhibited. I’d found adrenaline and purpose in my endeavors to help my friend, and it appeared to be having a snowball effect on my motivation and mood. I found myself smiling at every passerby on the sidewalk and wishing them a good day. I’m not sure why I felt so euphoric, but I was happy to take advantage of it and decided not to question it. It’s not every day that one gets to feel so innocently in love with the world.

I got back to Seb’s and swung open his balcony doors, allowing the warm sea breeze to bathe his flat. The sun was beginning to make its descent and a stray thought entered my mind. Here we are, on this blue planet that circles a hot, burning sphere millions of trillions of miles away. It’s part of the reason we even exist at all. This world is continuously spinning and we don’t even realize how effortless it is for us to hold on. More time should be spent enjoying the ride.

I took one more moment to be grateful and then got to cooking. Even after everything I’d ever been through, it was a gift to still have air in my lungs, blood pumping through my body, and thoughts in my brain. Eventually, I placed the stuffed peppers into the oven and allowed myself to be proud of my domestic accomplishments of the day, for these types of feats are few and far between.

The seabirds were emitting beckoning calls. I turned in response and found myself gazing out to the ocean, magnetically pulled to the balcony like the tide to the moon. I stood there with my forearms resting on the balcony ledge, eyes closed to the warmth of the fading sun sweetly caressing my face. I hadn’t heard him walk in, but when he spoke close behind me I wasn’t startled.

“It’s a beautiful sight, the wind running its fingers through a woman’s hair and properly mussing it up.” I just kept my eyes closed and smiled as I felt him come stand beside me. I opened my eyes and turned to face him, just taking in everything he was in that moment, the stubble coming in on his cheeks and jaw, the tired blue-gray eyes, the hunch in his shoulders that I’d never seen in his posture, ever, before returning my gaze back to the sea.

Seeing Seb ruffled, even after a long day filming and endless nights of little to no sleep, hit me just as hard as his phone call. Seb always carried himself with this allusive swagger, so to see that slump in his shoulders unsettled me. The trademark sparkle in his eyes was absent, which was possibly the most gut-wrenching sight. I missed his self-assurance, his poise, his confidence. I missed the way he always had a natural smirk waiting to break out across his face, even in its most relaxed state. He was taking this harder than I knew.

I casually wove my arm through his until we were latched at the elbows, placing my two hands over and under his one. I entwined my fingers through his gradually, watching our hands embrace as I did. He continued to look out over the sea, but I felt his body slowly release tension, almost as if he had been holding his breath all day and this was the first time he exhaled. Something about this moment was soothing to him and I held his hand contentedly, slowly imprinting circles on the back of it with my thumb. We stared out into the depths of the darkening sea, individual entities lost in the same world of hurt hearts and aching souls. We were simultaneously craving things we could not have, yet found ourselves satisfied to be in the company of the person standing by our side. It was a moment of comfortable calm between two connected souls.

Sometimes, I think that’s what love really is. It’s about honest conversations and shared silences. There is a beauty in the still quiet that can pass between souls. Ours whispered to one another in soundless voices of which our ears could not perceive…expressing and declaring the inner depths of words unspoken. Two animate beings of flesh and bone cannot always articulate what the internal quintessence of the souls can wordlessly convey. A silent contentment between two souls; feelings known to each other without needing the dialogue to explain.

Unmoving, we looked on. It was a quiet night, and the sound of the waves seemed to have a calming effect on us both. Yet our peaceful reverie was soon interrupted by the oven’s crude timer. I unhurriedly untangled our hands, giving his arm a gentle squeeze before pulling away from the balcony to attend to dinner. Seb trailed behind me. “You know, I’m not very hungry Jill…I just haven’t, you know…been eating a whole lot.” He looked at me, ruffling his hand through his hair and biting his lower lip, worried that he’d disappoint me.

“Yeah, Seb, I noticed you’re fridge was so empty, I could probably store a few of those bodies I’ve been meaning to preserve. Remind me to bring them next time, would ya?” I watched as he chuckled to himself and started to stroll to the open living room.

“Look, Seb," I called after him, "you don’t need to eat, but maybe just give it a whiff. Take a little peeky-peek. There will be leftovers if you change your mind later.” I wasn’t going to mother him. At least not yet. Seb was smart enough to know he needed to eat at some point. I would joke about it as long as I could, before the mama bear mode fully engaged. I wouldn’t be a nag about the lack of care he was administering to himself until I thought there were no other alternatives.

Seb hadn't acknowledged my statement, but was walking around his apartment, examining the miniature towers of papers and odd objects I had organized. He slowly ran his hand over the stacks of folded clothes, giving the last pile a gentle pat. “I have to admit, I really like what you’ve done with the place…I should let you come surprise me more often,” he quipped as he continued to mosey around his flat, hands in pockets, admiring my handiwork. I just laughed and shook my head as I prepared my plate.

I drummed my fingers on the kitchen counter, contemplating which wine I should select. Eventually, I settled for a red with an enticing label, one of my many market purchases. I went to my bag and rummaged through it until finding one of my favorite travel companions: my wine-opener (you’d be surprised at how many people do NOT have one of these guys around the house; I never leave home without it. Ever). I tore off the blue seal and popped open the bottle. The sound of the cork escaping the grasp of the bottle and the ensuing wine lapping at the glass ensnared Seb’s attention. He poked his head out from the bedroom where he’d been changing.

“Wine?” he probed, “Are you gonna let me have some?”

“I’m not your mother, Seb, you can have as much as you want,” I said matter-of-factly as I continued filling my glass.

He playfully looked at me with his eyebrows raised and his trademark smirk, as if I was about to be in trouble. “Jillian. Sass me again,” he threatened in a mocking tone.

“That almost sounds like you’re making a request. Sebastian.” The sound of his laugh was music to my ears and I reached for the cabinet to get another glass. I left his wine on the table in the kitchen, next to some silverware and an empty plate I hoped he’d fill, and wandered out to the little table that resided on his balcony.

He joined me not long after, wine in hand, and sat down with a sigh. I raised my glass to him and we silently chinked glasses and cheersed, omitting the usual accompanying toast of celebration. I took a sip, never letting my eyes drift from his face.

Seb was well on his way to concluding his glass, but I interrupted him. “Hey. I hope you don’t mind me crashing here on you,” and he had to feel my eyes intensely boring into his face for any involuntary tell that I was indeed putting him out. Even though he and I were close, it was still a surprise landing, and although I had kept myself busy all day with mindless tasks, it hadn’t stopped the idea that I had intruded on him from crossing my mind. It was just one of those thoughts that once the seed gets planted, it grows and spreads instantaneously. Vines reaching out and taking root with a wild abandon. Insecurely, I needed reassurance and wanted his blessing.

He put his near-empty glass down unhurriedly, almost deliberately letting the statement hang in the salt air between us. He finally looked at me, almost searching my face as desperately as I had been his.

“Look, she broke up with me days ago. You are the first and only person I’ve talked to about it and that conversation happened less than 24 hours ago.” He paused and fiddled with the stem of his wine glass. “Jill, the moment I saw you today was the first moment I hadn’t felt this, this…internal blandness. It was the first time I found that I smiled a genuine smile, and I was shocked at how unfamiliar that expression felt on my face. I didn’t realize how empty and numb I’ve felt these past couple of days until I saw you standing there. You’re not putting anyone out, least of all me.”

His eyes had drifted away from my face as he talked, becoming distant as he looked out across the sea.

“Time and distance can change things, but they don’t change what we mean to each other, Jill. Just because I haven’t seen you in a while doesn’t mean I’m not happy to see you now, happy that you chose to be here with me. If there was anyone I would want here with me, it’s you, which is probably why you’re the one I ended up calling. The reason you’re the only one I’ve gotten around to telling. You’re one of my best friends and you’ve always understood things about me in a way that others haven’t.”

I knew what he meant. Seb and I had always perceived each other on a different plane. We just got each other. He turned his face and looked back at me, locking his eyes on to mine. “I’ll never be able to tell you how much it meant to me, to see you standing there today.”

 He watched me for a reaction as he finished his speech. I absorbed his earnest stare and felt a warmth unfurl in my chest. I hinted at a smile and abruptly stood up and walked inside. Looking back, it was rather brisk and probably conveyed the wrong message, but I was back in a moment having only gone in to retrieve the wine bottle from the fridge. I brought it out, filled his glass, and placed the bottle on the table. I went back in and grabbed my bag. I changed into an over-sized, black V-neck shirt and some boxer shorts. My pajamas. I came back out and Seb chuckled in response to my altered appearance, looking at me with a mix of exasperation and approval. I sat down and tucked my legs up on the chair, wrapping my arms around myself. My chin rested in the nook between my knees and I beamed at Seb. I had made myself at home.

Author's Note

Just continuing the story. Like always, please share your thoughts/opinions/critiques. I love hearing what people think.

Reviews

[Isabel25]

I found this a bit longer than the other two- i dnt know if it really is. I am a neat freak, for a moment i thought Jill would be one too, cos so far i could relate very much to her.

What jill says about what she thought was love; the shared silences, the comfort, the wordless conversations, I cannot agree more with her on that, really. That is what love is all about for me,,that special connection.

In the 4th para, i feel it should be "I was shocked with* myself"

Nothing other than that :D Entertaining as always

[Christian N. C.]

Love the story so far! also "It was just one of those thoughts that once the seed gets planted, it grows and spreads instantaneously. Vines reaching out and taking root with a wild abandon." is one of my favorite lines out of the story so far!:) Keep going :D

[mappingthenight]

Ah, thank you! I really appreciate your comments - please let me know if you think there's anything I can do to improve!

[Christian N. C.]

You're welcome and I think you're doing great so far:)