Reminiscences of the Dead

What's in the mind of a dead person, supposing its mind still thinks while its body rots?

My eyes opened in hesitation

As darkness turned to dawn.

The warmth of the sun's rays

Battled with the cool air

That caressed and teased

The foliage of the trees.

The chirping of the birds,

The sound of the breeze,

The swooshing of the leaves

And the whistle of the kettle,

Oh! How I so marveled

At how musical they were, altogether.

Still feeling so sleepy,

The view was blurry:

The curtain that flew

Made me see the hue

Of the sky that's so blue,

Oh! How I so marveled

At the beauty of sight after my slumber.

I smelt the soft bed and pillow

Where I drooled and wallowed.

The aroma of the creamed coffee

Found its way from the kitchen onto me.

Oh! How I so marveled

At the zestfulness of the smell.

Sadly, darkness has conquered my sight,

And it's letting me see no spec, no light.

Numbness and coldness has engulfed this body,

Subjecting it to decay and insectile scrutiny,

Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,

I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!

Oh! How I so yearn for and miss

Waking up with the taste of bliss.

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This piece really has a lot of depth for me. It elucidated on lot of things, unraveling a lot of thoughts. Certainly a very delightful read. I'm going to rate it 100/100 - but there are few things that I would like to tell you here :)

Though the choice of words here is very appropriate, but at some point - I felt like you are forcefully rhyming the lines. It is not always essential to rhyme your lines - sometimes, most of the time - free verse is more beautiful than the rhyming lines.
For example, in lines
"The curtain that flew
Made me see the hue
Of the sky that's so blue," - I felt like you are "trying" to rhyme here. Though it sounds very beautiful and the flow is perfect - but it felt a little forceful.
Also, here:
Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,
I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!
This line was again felt forceful.

One more thing I'm going to point out here, which probably no fellow poet here will tell you (this is something that I personally believe, and you can ignore this advice if you want to). But, I think so that a poetry should have a structure.
For example, 3 paragraphs of 4 lines each. This poem on the other hand have number of lines in each paragraph as: 2-4-6-7 and so on. A lot of people will have no objection on this, but I consider it while I read, a lot.

Rest the poem is very beautiful :) Great work here.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Sir Bhavya. (=
I will consider these pointers. (=
I really appreciate this review of yours. Not all poets would tell you negative things. That is why I'm more than thankful to have read these words from you.
I used an indefinite number of lines per stanza because that's what I observed from other writers. I just thought that that would not be considered much especially during these post-modern times. Anyhow, I'm still glad that you mentioned those things. I might as well go back to the writing with a regular pattern and number of lines per stanza.
I appreciate much your words. (=
I'm looking forward to reading your reviews of my works again. (=

[Bhavya Kaushik]

No problem. Always happy to review :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Sir Joe

My first read and with pleasure.

'Eternal Slumber'

Now there's a title to conjure with, especially when you add the words "let's all be thankful for waking up in the morning"

Brief review? Structured? Let's see.

Of course you ring two notes here:

1) The hugely positive of being alive.

It's a celebration of life, the passage from waking to sleep and back to waking; the new day; the regeneration; the daily rebirth; the elements; sun, wind and sky; the renewed chance.

I have taken to believing, as with the opening to this poem, that each day of our lives is a gold coin. It is a gift we are offered. What we must do, how we should respond to that gift,is to spend it wisely.

2) But then in the last stanza, you take us into the troubles of the mind.

Whilst nature may be a giver, the benign, we are but frail and mortal.

Thoughts or even, as you hint, disease (mental or physical, or just straight anguish at how life treats us at times) may fracture all the idealism to which you initially refer.

You end with a hint, no rather a loud cry of loss:

"Oh! How I so yearn for and miss
Waking up with the taste of bliss."

Of course there can be days like that. There can be months like that. There can be years like that. And worst we can have a lifetime full of it.

Your initial joy turns into depression.

I know much about it.

Life is for some a roller coaster of highs and lows.

But were I you, I should always revert to the joy of the opening parts and try to cope as best with depression of the end.

Tomorrow, as you suggest, is another day, and as I suggest a new gold coin to spend wisely.

Through pain may come gain.

Go spend your next gold coin wisely.

And so shall I.


With my best wishes


James

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear sir jo

Thank you for that.

I fear I may have been a bit slow in this review.

In the end you are talking about death itself of course.

I had Eternal Slumber and your photo as a clue and I missed it by a mile, if not several!

The frailty of the reviewer or rather more to the point mine!

As to the philosophy I talk about above, it still holds good, even more so in this case.

A beautiful and life enhancing poem.

Thank you

James

[Sir Joe]

It's no problem, Sir James. Anyhow,, I still appreciate your words which I, think, no other reviewer could say. Thank you for the review and interpretation which, in any angle, still makes a lot of sense. =)

[James Hanna-Magill]

You are very kind.

[Sir Joe]

Don't mention it. =)
You are kinder, of course. =)
Thank you again. =)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Thank you.

I think I was very tired when I got round to reading this.

I am working very hard at the moment, writing in the name of causes, whilst trying to support others in theirs.

J H-M

[Sir Joe]

My best wishes to you, Sir J-H-M. =)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

I love this piece; it has a combination of classic,modern, dark and raw writing. The words play is excellent, you always marvel me with the words choice. The selection of words stand undeniably brilliant in context. This is relatable and beautifully penned. Thanks for sharing Sir Joe.

[Sir Joe]

I can't thank you enough, Sir Marc!
I really appreciate your words so much!
Thanks! =)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

You are always welcome Sir Joe, I enjoy reading your work.

[Sir Joe]

In the same way that I enjoy reading yours. =)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Cheers! :) Good luck to all of us here.

[Sir Joe]

Such a beautiful and lovely imagery here, I could dwell in it for hours.
I see you're married to literature as your about me says about you...
Wonderful work!

E.L.

[Sir Joe]

thankk you so much E.L.

My pleasure :)

[...]

I really liked how you mixed the sensational beauty of life and nature with all your senses in this piece!!

[CHRIS ANDES]

you've connected reality through transcendentalism
with that pieces of nature in every stanza molded it to partly speak of real fantasy
=]

[CHRIS ANDES]

deep emotions
wow
..your words are very deep
I can somehow relate to your alpha state
=]
keep it up

[Sir Joe]

Thank you musicfunk
(=

[Pax]

Galing naman nito, first of all this its really deep, you really describe the nature's surroundings and you can feel it through the words as if you have touch the five senses. i like it. keep it up kaibigan.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much kabayan. (=
Nakahiligan q n kcng gumamit ng images

[Pax]

now, i learned something ..i would like to try that someday....walang anuman...

[Sir Joe]

Hehe
A poem is better when it shows rather than tells. (=

[Pax]

oo nga no..yung sa akin lang...i dont show what i see, but rather show what i felt..

[Harley (arbiter)]

I liked this a lot. It gets a Great meaning of how we don't appreciate things. We take everything for granted. This was a very good write and I enjoyed reading it. Good job

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Harley. (=

[RachelReaper]

I like this one, very different from most other poetry I've read (don't worry, its a good thing). I couldn't imagine being separated from my coffee in the morning...! I'd surely stay in an eternal slumber, terrified to awaken.

[Sir Joe]

Really?
Thanks for boosting my confidence. (= Thanks a lot.

[Dinesh Sairam]

First of all, *smelled.. because 'smelt' is a kind of fish, haha.

I loved the first three stanzas for the 'simple' descriptions. That's the way I love it, at the least. Especially the third one.. it's just simple and closer to reality.

The chirping of the birds,
The sound of the breeze,
The swooshing of the leaves
And the whistle of the kettle..

Then again, the fourth stanza falls flat. The forced, or perhaps frequent rhymes destroy the stanza's meaning. Just read the stanza yourself and you'll find yourself enjoying the rhymes and not the actual meaning it supposedly conveys. That's the problem with rhyme.. too little of it and it's of no use, too much of it and it distracts the receiver from the message (Which is ultimately what you wanted to convey by this 'rhyming' technique).

The fifth one isn't bad by any definition. But I don't think it's 'poetic' too. Perhaps a little bit of imagery.. perhaps a little bit of metaphor.. perhaps a little bit of philosophy.. I'm not sure what should be added.

Then, I don't understand the last stanza at all. Of course, I understand it in the literal sense.. but I don't see the way it connects with the rest of the poem. And even if it does, it hits me more as humorous than philosophical or poetical.

Like I said before, the first three stanzas are closer to reality and really add color to the poem.. so why would you then describe the tiredness of getting up as "Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness"? or use images like "insectile scrutiny"? or be dramatic as "I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?" It just doesn't correspond with the tone of the rest of the poem.

Finally "Oh! How I so yearn for and miss
Waking up with the taste of bliss."

The closing lines of a poem are very very important and so should pack a punch.. a strong message or conclusion that relates to the theme of the poem. But I don't even begin to understand the meaning of "taste of bliss". You've seen, smelled and felt wonderful things, as you say. So why would you 'miss' 'waking up with the taste of bliss'. Perhaps it's me.. but the last stanza just doesn't go well with the rest.

I'm sorry if you thought there were more negative points from me. In fact, you need no more than "This poem's good" to count as a positive reply. But a negative comment begs explanation.. and that's the sole work of a good critique. I am, I would believe, doing just that.

Keep writing.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much dinesh. I looked for the past form of the word smell and luckily, "smelt" is as correct as "smelled". I appreciate very much the negative comments. However, I would just like to explain why there was a sudden change of tone in the last stanza. I just thought that if a dead person still has the ability to think despite his death, he probably would be thinking about missing the mornings when he still experiences waking up with the beauty of the surroundings (which is why I used "with a taste of bliss"). The strong yearning would probably be on his mind because he no longer experiences waking up (which is why I mentioned "asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness"). The first stanzas were actually just memories of the past that's why I used verbs in past tense. I decided to make use of an unexpected closing stanza just to add twist to the story and also to contrast life and death.