13 thoughts

   

        13 Thoughts

Where am I? This is the first thought to cross my mind. It is cold and damp. It is dark all around me. Wherever I am feels cramp it is hard to move. Hard to breath. It is claustaphobic.

I try to sit up but fail. I barely manage to make the slightest movement of my index finger. I try to call out, but I cannot make the quietest sound. Something is pressing down on my lips.

What happened to cause this? This is my second thought. I cannot remember anything except….except an explosion. It was loud. That I remember. There was a bright flash that had been blinding.

My lungs begin to burn. I realize I am not breathing. I drew in a slow quivering breath through my nose. I can feel something slimy move across my skin. I don’t know what it is, but this tells me something. Third thought. I am not alone.

My chest began to ache. I am not getting enough air. I force in a breath. I have to break free. My fourth thought. I’m well confined, wherever I am, this would make breaking free difficult this I knew for certain. My fifth thought. Am I tied up? I must be. Perhaps this is why I can’t move.

My body is growing numb. I can no longer feel my legs and my fingers have begun to tingle. It felt as though everything surrounding me “these invisible walls” were caving in.

I’m going to die. This is my sixth thought. Or am I already dead? No, if I was dead I wouldn’t feel the dampness, the cold. My lungs wouldn’t ach as they are now. No. I’m not dead…yet

I’m buried. My seventh thought. Buried. I have been buried alive. This is why I can’t move. This must be why it is so cold and damp. I want to panic but if I do that, I will die much sooner. I must be calm.

How did I get here? This is my eighth thought. Unless I could figure this out I couldn’t break free. The explosion. Yes. It has something to do with the explosion. But what? Can I remember? I must remember….

The We were engaged in battle and my unit was winning. Then out of nowhere came the screams. The Bloodcurdling screams of my unit and civilians. I saw flames licking the tops of buildings, children running around their skin turning to ash. I stood frozen. Then Josh grabbed my arm. “We have to go they have grenades. We have to fall back” I didn’t listen I just stood there. Paralyzed then a grenade landed 8ft away from us. It went off. It went off like a camera’s flash. I flew back and…that...that’s it.

My tenth…Where is Josh? Was he buried too? Or is he dead…Maybe he died on impact. I took in a calm breath. No this is Josh. The best soldier. He is alive. I have to find him. I try and lift my arm. No use. I can’t keep this up. My lungs might cave in soon.

My eleventh thought I wish I could reach my pocket and hold the picture of Nevaeh. To see her adorable 5-year old smile one last time. My chest has begun to throb. I wish could tell her “Daddy loves you. I’ll see you soon” I can’t. I won’t ever be able to again.

My twelfth. I can’t breathe. I’m close to death. I can feel it creeping up on me. I’ve been here for an hour now.  And for an hour I’ve been counting my thoughts. I’m starting to ache. It hurts… Now I know how drowning people feel, but at least death happens much sooner for them. I feel dizzy now. I can’t feel anything. My eyes are closed. Despite the pain of not breathing…death was peaceful…

I’m sorry to everyone I’ve wronged. I hope you’re ok Josh…I know you’re ok… Nevaeh you’re always gunna be daddy’s little girl. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve killed or hurt here. God forgive me…my last thought…..

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