This Close.

I don't want to feel anymore.

Author's Note

I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't tell you how I feel. I've told you in all my other poems. It's all the same. Everything I say has been said before. And that makes everything I say sound so normal, because every teenage girl in the world is saying it to get attention. But I'm not good enough. If he were reading this right now...nope not even gonna go there. Feeling love for something obviously isn't working because as soon as you love them, they won't love you back. They will never love you back. Who even said that? And before you leavve a review saying "it wasn't meant to be" or "heartbrake sucks I'm sorry" don't bother. It ob piously wasn't meant to be, or we would be together. I haven't been heart broken by anyone but myself, because truley it is all my fault. I've been imagining things differently. What if I did what I've been thinking about? Grabbing life by the neck and squeezing till I can see death dripping from it's eyes. Would you suddenly care then? And then I felt such a string connection with this one. I'm not being a slut or lying about this feeling. I've never ever felt this way a out someone before. I just wanted to be your friend. But of course, it's impossible. WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT ME?! It's all in the distance. No one will understand this fully. You can pretend to. But you won't ever see until I'm dead and my obituary stretches to Antarctica and back, telling g you exactly what this all means. Would I actually do it? Take a tumble with a sip of suicide? No. But it seems like the people that keep coming into my life only want to rip what sanctity I have left into paranoia and fear of what I have to endure next. The walls surrounding the real soul I have keep getting thicker. Someday, they'll get so thick my knight in shining armorial won't be able to be able to break through, or even climb over.Don't tell anyone how you feel. They don't care. They want to emotionally vomit into your heart into it explodes because you can't take it anymore. And then have the audacity to wipe their mouthes and say 'What's wrong?' I've never wanted to scream and cry so much at the same time. Or maybe I've never wnated to cry and scream at the same time so much. Either way, I know if I break down alone, I'm over for sure. So I take it and tuck it behind the fake smile that I pretend to wear. I just pray that when the duct tape and super holding the fairytale smile together breaks that you're there to break my fall, other wise I'll just keep falling.
So now I'm this close to flipping the emotional rollercoaster off for awhile. I don't want to feel the jerks and drops anymore. Please just let me shriek bloody murder into your chest and let the pain roll down my face in drops on your shoulder until there's nothing more.
Because I'm this close.
This.
Close.

Reviews

[ALittleBitOfEverything]

Wow. That's all I can say, I'm nearly in tears here. And how you say no one understands what you're going through? That's wrong, girl, everyone's been through it. Yeah, so disappointed and gutted that you think of suicide? I've been through that. Thing is, I just look on the bright side. People are only steppig on your heart and making you feel like this is because YOU let them.
A friend once told me, that only you can make yourself happy. With your very own choices.
Please down go down the route of darkness and despair, then you are really stuck. Don't let people get to you, cry a little, scream a little, hold your breath until you see stars, then let it all go with all the anguish built inside.
I'm just saying that you ain't alone, it happens to everyone of us, and sometimes, it makes us it's prey.
Terri-Beth :)

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you very much for this. I really love the reviews you leave :)

[ALittleBitOfEverything]

You're welcome :D

[Taylor H.]

This was very raw. I cant tell if this is a work of fiction or your own pain. I enjoyed reading it.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you

[Hidden Happiness]

sweet words of mine really wont make a difference cuz like you said you alone know what it feels like....but definitely i can understand what you are going through..but the bitter truth is you have to get over it....you gotta be strong..and if that means letting your feelings out, crying and screaming then let that be it. so what if people say that youre emotional and youre trying to get attention? they r always gonna say that so just dont give a s**t. try distracting yourself,make some new friends, read some interesting stuff and when u cant hold it in anymore let it out. n yes if you ever need me, ill be there:-).

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you so much for this. :)

[Hidden Happiness]

anytime:-).

[Astro MacGuffin]

Someday when you're about 76 years old, but hopefully sooner because it's way more useful, you will realize that "meant to be" doesn't exist, and that the way relationships and attractions work when you are young is both completely honest and valid, and mired in sociological insanity so thick that it easily, and often, doubles as cement shoes, dragging you down, drowning you with your own weight.

I strongly recommend you do some reading when you have a bit more stillness in your heart, because at any age, the upshot to love and romance is this: every target is always a moving target, no two people literally share everything on their minds, and no person has a legitimate claim on having been harmed when the other party has moved on for totally personal reasons.

it's hard growing up being told that there is a "one for you," or that attracting a compatible mate is easy "if you're doing it right," because neither of those things are true in the slightest. We are brought up to feel like the pressure is on us to make our relationships work, when in fact, it's far more random, and 99.99999 percent of perceived wrongs are actually 100 percent victimless.

I strongly recommend that you marry yourself right now. Be faithful to yourself forever, but keep the relationship open. treat yourself well enough, and refuse to take anyone seriously if their treatment of you doesn't stand up to that original relationship.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

I'm not quite sure what to say to this. All I know is I do not agree with most of what you are saying from what I have perceived. I do agree with the last bit though, I will not take anyone who does not meet my standards. Thank you for trying to help anyway.

[Astro MacGuffin]

Sure thing. Be well.

[Lena Rossmore]

wow..i dont know what to say except i feel for you :(

[J. F. Charleston]

I can't say that I've never been through that. Been there plenty of times and I do understand what its like. You kinda remind me of myself when it comes to this. You fall for someone you just met and get turned down. Well lately I'm trying another approach. Just being their friend until the right time comes to tell. You can take anything that this review may give. I did like this piece.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you so much. I've been trying to take my time with a new friend I have. But I don't think it's going so well :/ Anyway, thank you for this, I appreciate it

[Tomislav Petricevic]

I can't tell you how much this reminds me of my own story. That also means I can't help you, because obviously I can't help myself. The only thing I can offer is to listen while you tell me the whole thing, and then I can tell you about my thing. But, I know, that's not much to offer. :/

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Tom :) That's plenty to offer. I thank you for this, but you don't have to offer me anything either. Non the less, I appreciate the review and offer.

[Tomislav Petricevic]

You're welcome. I just wanted you to know that you can always send me a message if something's bothering you, or call me on Skype if you feel like it. After all, you're my favorite person here! :D

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Really? :D You're so kind Tom, thank you so much for caring :) *hugs*

[Tomislav Petricevic]

Of course! Anytime, Kenzie. Anytime. :) *hugs back*

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

:D You're way to awesome

[Tomislav Petricevic]

But you're more awesome. :P

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Psh! No way :P

[Tomislav Petricevic]

You're just too modest to admit! :P

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Lol :3

[Amanda]

I think you should at least scream. Screaming releases chemical endorphins just like crying does, that's why most people feel better after. Ithink...it doesn't matter what I think. Because whatever you're 'going through', I probably don't even know the half of it. I know I don't, because I've been pushed over the edge and being able to love and trust someone fell into a deep dark abyss that I can't reach. So I'll say this instead:

I hope you feel that you can handle life soon, and that leads you to feeling better. And if you don't...well, I'll always be here in this dark place to talk. Keep calm and carry on...or don't, your choice.
Sorry, I know that probably didn't help, but, whatevs that's my two cents :P

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you! Anything helps, I appreciate all reviews and anyone's two cents :)

[Becky]

More cyber hugs and brownies? :/

So this wasn't really a story or a poem or anything, but the ending was quite dramatic anyway.

It's more of a rant. At the world. See, when the world makes me angry, I threaten to shoot it in the face. Doesn't have nearly as much of an effect as this does...

Well, it has an effect, but it's quite a different effect.

Anyway. Okay, I'm pretty sure I just heard my garage door open at 1:51am...

I am officially terrified. I might just go hide in my closet now...

ANYWAYS. It's good to get it all out before you explode. Try throwing something non-breakable at a wall (don't throw people), it helps me. I don't often get angry or sad or anything, but when I do... Well, I'm a redhead. Enough said.

Seriously, I'm going to go sit in my closet with a flashlight and a laptop...

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

*slowly puts down the toddler she was about to throw at the wall* oh...okay... :P thanks so much! I really do love your reviews :D And yes, when you get angry at something, shooting it in the face will usually solve the problem :3 Thanks again!

[Becky]

Haha throwing toddlers is generally bad. They break easier than most people.

And you're welcome, though I'm not really quite sure what for. If it's for reviewing, no problem. :)

[Harley (arbiter)]

Don't shoot it! Blow it up!

[Becky]

Well you can't really threaten to blow the planet up in the face. It just doesn't sound right. :pread moreWell you can't really threaten to blow the planet up in the face. It just doesn't sound right. :p

(I use too many little punctuation faces.)

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

It's ok, I do to :) I do like explosions...heh heh >:)

[Becky]

Me toooooooo.


I am definitely a pyro, but I don't do anything illegal, so it's all good haha. I'm pretty sure it goes with the hair.

[Harley (arbiter)]

I make bombs

[Becky]

As long as you don't blow up anything important, I'm pretty sure that's okay.

I'm pretty sure almost all guys around our age have at one point.

I made a batter bomb once. It got really hot and I got freaked out so I ripped it apart though.

[Becky]

battery*

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

DUDE IMMA PYRO TOO! I've spent longer then I'd like to admit just sitting outside, listening to music, and lighting everything in fire xD

[Harley (arbiter)]

No all we do is every 4th of july we buy a jumkyard car and blow it up

[Becky]

THAT. IS. AWESOME.

I'm jealous..

My ex and I used to sit on skype lighting hand sanitizer on fire on our front porches...

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

AWESOME

[Harley (arbiter)]

Well alrighty then lol

[Becky]

I'm a strange child.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Same here. Lol before I got rid of my stuffed animals, I would cut their eyes out ...@_@

[Harley (arbiter)]

Awesome! I never had stuffed animals but that sounds fun

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

And keep them in a little bag

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

I thought they were really cool!

[Becky]

'__'

Probably shouldn't have told me that, I absolutely love my stuffed animals to death. Once the house next to us and half of ours burnt down and the only thing I cared about was that my two stuffed dogs were going to die... :'(

[Harley (arbiter)]

Lol still have them?

[Harley (arbiter)]

Awesome. Let it out. Its good. I never let it out and had a nervous breakdown and that's not fun. :/ eh but really. Its good to let it out and you know what I said a little while ago.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thanks for being there Harley. I'm sorry if it seems like I push you away sometimes. I just have so much weight balanced on my shoulders...I'm afraid if I move it will all come crumbling down.

[Harley (arbiter)]

its ok. I understand. No need to thanks me.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thanks you :)

[Harley (arbiter)]

:D *ow* lol it hurts to laugh

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Lol why?

[Harley (arbiter)]

Insomnia + headace = hurts to laugh lol ow

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Lol! Sorry bud I know how that feels. Try rubbing your temples. Might help your headache

[Harley (arbiter)]

Lol nope! Ow

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

STOP LAUGHING

[Harley (arbiter)]

I cant