Escape!

Where can you run if there's nowhere to run to. Short story.

I lay there and listened to Zavier breathe. His breath rattling off his chest like shutters in the wind.

 I tried to sleep but I couldn't, I kept expecting to see the search lights sweeping the grounds, the mechanic voice calling for us to stand up with our hands behind our heads. I knew Zavier needed help but where could I go, all the hospitals were under Diable control and it was to risky to take him a too a Sorcier. I rolled over trying to get comfortable and then I saw them, maybe three, headed up the hill towards us.

 My heart quickened to an exploding point as I ducked my head leaning over Zavier. "Zavier" I hissed, desperate to wake him up "Zavier, there here, Diables". At the word Diable, Zavier was awake and ready, rolling on to his stomach to survey the situation. "Should we run?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. I could see there was no way we were going to get out of this. Now that I looked I could see that there were more of them, all along the hillside, surrounding us.

I looked over at Zavier, he was fourteen, to young to go like this. "Dea! I said should we run?" Zavier hissed. 

I knew only one of us was going to make it out of this, so I made the decision.

 "Yes you run, run as fast as you can that way" I whispered, pointing "Really?" asked Zavier. "Yes" I say, wiping tears out of my eyes "Goodbye, Zavier" I said. I saw him rise and run, heard the shout and I saw him go down.

I knew they wouldn't find me now.

I'm sorry.     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10th place

Jan 18, 2015

• Stories!!!

 

 

Perfect!

Jan 9, 2015

• Short Stories, None longer than about 400 words

 

 

 

  1st place!!!

Apr 23, 2015

• Something's gone wrong
• Escape!

 

 

Honorable Mention

Jul 26, 2015

 

• Short Story
• Escape!

 

 

4th prize

Sep 1, 2015

 

• FLASH FICTION from The Blue Rose Cafe (TBRC)
• Escape!

 

 

Author's Note

Please ignore grammar problems. Find a list of French words used in the story below.
Diable/Diables = Devil/Devils.
Socier = Witch doctor

Reviews

[C. Rose]

I know you don't want to hear about grammar, but consider at least making paragraphs. It helps the reader not get lost.

The tension builds well and I did not see that emotionally wrought ending coming. Well done.

Congratulations. You have bested me in "Short Short Stories, None longer than about 400 words". How cool would it be if it became common courtesy to review those who placed higher than you in a contest? No one placed higher than you in this contest, but consider paying it forward in the future.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Wow thank you! I will!

[Workvio]

A very enjoyable read with an unexpected twist as that selfish character trait known as instinct for self preservation took control in the last lines ... Nice little story ... Very well done ...

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you so much for the review1

[heathernichole13]

Great read! Maybe add more description to your stories.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Like all of them?! Ok, but thanks anyway :)

[Woody]

I've always liked a story with a twist. never saw that coming. sadistic but good :)
an intriguing piece that could develop into something longer.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you Woody!

[Chaitanya Karthik]

Wow. Didn't see it coming. Cool story ;)

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you!!

[Helena]

Thank you for submitting this to my contest! A story which indeed made me curious as to what happened next. I know that it is a limited word contest and that kind of stymies the creative process somewhat, However I thought it was good!

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you for revewing!

[Craig2591]

Nice twist at the end. You said everything you needed to in less than 400 words to make this a good story. I enjoyed it.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you!

[Obscured by the Shadows]

Holy sweet baby….. That was chilling. It gave me goose bumps. That is an excellent piece of writing and you have great talent.

[Valkyrie Warrior]

I am glad it had the right effect :)

[Obscured by the Shadows]

The perfect affect if I do say so myself

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you. You are to kind.

[Obscured by the Shadows]

One can never be too kind

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Well i guess that's true :)

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

This story has quite a lot of potential to it. I feel like it could use more development and background. I want to know how things came to this point. What happened to Zavier? Who are these devils and why are the hospitals under their control?

You've built a tense, suspenseful atmosphere; now this can use a bit of further growth and development to make it the best it can be

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Ok I will start at the start :)

[Sami Khalil]

A splendid short story. You are writing so good...:)......................

[Valkyrie Warrior]

Thank you so much it means a lot to me :)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:).....................