Summon the Philosopher

The philosopher has lost gravitas over time, from past glory in the courts of kings to now entertaining smoke buddies at the local hookah lounge.

Summon the Philosopher

 

   Philosophers in ancient times were more esteemed than their modern-day counterparts. They were regularly called upon by kings and generals for matters of life and death and their words carried enormous weight and power. Today if you say you’re a philosopher you’re met with a sneer and thought to be either a goofball, a pot-head or someone who isn’t interested in an actual job.  

 

Ancient Philosopher

 

Royal Guard: King John, Orwellius, the wise man of philosophy from the east, has arrived to help us with decisions of war.

 

King John: Summon the philosopher; we haven’t a moment to spare. The kingdom is facing grave dangers and Orwellius can give us insight into these matters of war and peace.

 

Later…

 

Orwellius: Your highness, I am here at your request. I have been musing on the exigencies of war during my journey to your palace and I hope I can be of service.

 

King John: Orwellius, your reputation is known far and wide, and your insights are critical at this time of peril for our people. 

 

 

Modern Philosopher

 

-What do you do?

 

-I’m a philosopher.

 

-(laughs) No…seriously. What do you do…for a living?

 

-I philosophize.

 

-And they pay you for that?

 

-…

 

 

Ancient Philosopher

 

(Hundreds are gathered, some having climbed nearby trees to hear the musings of Descartes, the famous philosopher, who has sent word throughout the region that he has new findings to announce regarding man’s existence)

 

Descartes: People, countrymen…cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am.  I have found, after much contemplation, that we do indeed exist.  I know that we as a people have suffered a lengthy melancholia, laboring under false doctrines that have held us captive for hundreds of years.  But the good news is: you exist, I exist, we all exist! We are not simply figments of the imagination of the gods. 

 

Peasant: Wise philosopher, how do you know we exist?

 

Descartes: By the sheer fact that I contemplate my existence, I know that I do. To contemplate is proof of my existence.  If I didn’t exist, I couldn’t contemplate whether I do or don’t exist.  Cogito ergo sum, and the same applies to each of you. Think of that, my friends!

 

(A cacophony of cheers from the masses is heard, as the people hug and kiss each other, shedding tears of wonder and merriment. A group of women bring flowers and grapes to the feet of the great philosopher)

 

Modern Philosopher

 

-You’re a philosophy major, right?

 

-Yes

 

-That’s cool, I am too. Hey, can you score me some pot?

 

-I don’t do drugs.

 

-Come on, man! How can I contemplate existence without some good ganja? Where’s your stash, dude?

 

-…