Wicked Veins

Something I wrote randomly in 4 minutes.

These wicked veins were

getting too narrow

from my bitter state

enclosed in a body

that'd do nothing

but feel all wrenched

and a heart that shrouded

in blackness (in vain)from

the grudges it has built in  

I didn't want my life to revolve

around the same small circle...

so I woke up one morning when

the only pulse I believed would

make me feel alive;

was finally on my way

the only way to collapse

the lumps in these veins;

the only real breakthrough,

was choosing to forgive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Michelle Coleman]

Hi Manal. Reading your poem reminded me of my early twenties days when I was seeing a therapist. She told me that the person I hurt most with my refusal or inability to forgive was myself. I did not believe her for some time. But I have felt those effects that you speak of and I am still learning to let go and heal. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Daydreamer]

You have no idea how much this warmed my heart!
Thank YOU for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful effect ❤💫🌌🙏

[Michelle Coleman]

You are welcome 😊

[Anahat]

A lovely write with a beautiful message..
Well penned...Cheers friend :)

[Daydreamer]

After reading your poem, I strongly recommend you forgiveness :)
thank you so much

[Anahat]

sure :) Your welcome

[Emma Olsen]

Apologies for how long it took me to get to this! I've been busy.
"but feel all wrenched" feels? Got a bit lost on this line. What is feeling? The body? The narrator? (I suppose they're one and the same, but in this context I'm a bit lost as to which is the subject.)
"that shroud" Do you mean 'that's shrouded?' I'm not quite sure the heart being shrouded is working for me as an image, by the way . . . I think it's a bit cliched and you can do better considering your rhetoric elsewhere. I like the idea of the lumps in the veins later on, perhaps have grudges congeal the blood or something to tie that in more as it was great but also seemed a bit superfluous on the first read. I think there needs to be more of a connection with grudges being the only pulse, too (I think that's what you meant) because I stumbled over it.
"on my way/the only way" Not sure the repetition is working here . . . I generally think the rule should be three or more repetitions, otherwise it doesn't sound like a choice but instead a mistake.

So, I do like your style and I think this poem is working better for me than the last one because there's less confusion and room for misinterpretation. I'm getting a little lost in here: "was finally on my way/the only way to collapse/the lumps in these veins;" 'I' was finally on my way? How? What prompted the change? I like the sentiment at the end, bit I think this part needs to serve as a better bridge to illustrate how the speaker reached catharsis and learned that forgiveness would help them heal.
I think your tone's great and I support work that talks about healing, but I think it's always important to focus on how the healing happened, otherwise you can't help others, you know? =) As a person who has had to work through depression and various childhood traumas, I know that I hungered for a 'how' when I was in my worst places and I've always found the change from negativity to positivity to be the most fascinating part. Isn't that what most stories focus on? At least, I suppose, the uplifting ones.

I think, also, you may want to consider the way you break up your work. You seem to write it all as one long sentence and that's, I think, the main source of confusion for me. (Did I say this last time? I apologize for the reiteration if I did.) Your subjects get lost for me and, considering that this is your second poem I've looked at, that is probably a theme throughout your work. Your word choice is beautiful, but I just want to focus on that, not getting lost in trying to parse out what modifies what. It's a waste of time that detracts from your work because I don't get lost in it the way I should considering the images you construct. Confusion in theme and symbols is alright when done properly, but confusion based on construction should be avoided at all costs.
At any rate, you do have provocative and pretty language. Re-reading the message you sent me I'm not quite sure whether you wanted a critique, but yeah . . . here it is. lol Keep working, you do have talent but I think you need to very clearly define your sentence parts and modifications.=P

[Daydreamer]

Hahahahahaah!! The message was simple- "to encourage people choose forgiveness over long-term bitterness"!! I don't think I was responsible to expound how forgiveness occurs, because, I believe, it's a decision that comes from within and you cannot restrict somebody how to think! They need 100% conviction to approach forgiveness!! It also requires a lot of courage!! So considering the versatility in strengths and mentalities of different people, there was no solid way to help explain the process of forgiveness, but it was possible to state it can happen even aftet sheer bitterness!! Looking at your major problem;confusion- Actually, the term "veins" was a simple reference to "body"; like just a human, I could say this body,head,heart, or any similar term but I loved choosing "veins", the use of "narrow" was to induce a sense of weakness into the reader's mind.
((from my bitter state

enclosed in a body

that does nothing

but feel all wrenched

and a heart that shroud

in blackness (in vain)from

the grudges it has built in))
you know usually after having a falldown in a friendship or relationship or whatever, you're definitely feeling bitter about it, and your bitterness is proportionate to your degree of love/sincerity/lost joy/ whatever! using "body" was a reference to both "the heart and mind"- you know, they're enclosed in the body :P
"wrenched", I wonder why do people feel confused about it? I've checked the meaning and it was clear for me, but however- it means the feeling you get upon leaving a person or place!! just like "missing someone or something" but the ideal word for me to depict this was "wrenching" ....
(does nothing but feel all wrenched)- the thoughts and feelings have taken control over and happen almost all the time
the lines that follow next were intended to give some signal that I was finally exiting this state and that one actually CAN exit it no matter how hard it was!! I was feeling "fully alive" again, in a new way, I could feel a "pulse" in my narrow veins.... bringing about a feeling of wellness!
Regarding the repition thing, I don't really know about that.... I never paid attention!
And I admit, yeah, my writing feels like one continous sentence... I have a slight problem with choosing the pauses and when to split the verses!!
I just wanted an opinion- and I again thank you so so much for the sincerity and help, Emma ♥
God bless you, dear ♥

[Emma Olsen]

I think it's helpful to show the way in which you managed to overcome your own problems - that's all I meant. Telling people how to resolve their own individual problems is obviously not the way, but I always find it helpful to see how others can overcome personal obstacles. I wasn't asking you to tell me how to solve my own problems, merely to expound on how you solved your problems. It seems like a sudden jump, otherwise, because I got that there was a change, but I couldn’t find a reason for the change and that made me curious. Why change now? There had to be an event or something that triggered such a radical turnaround in the speaker’s outlook and opinion. It’s a major event and it’s passed over pretty briefly. I just wanted to see more of it. I apologize if that wasn't clear.
Let me clarify further:
"but feel all wrenched" My issue was not directly with wrenched but with who/what is feeling. I think I tripped over this phrasing because it sounded as though it should say ‘feels’ at first. Re-reading it I think I get that you meant for it to be a continuous phrase and the ‘body’ is the subject, but I think the issue may be that it can be read in two ways: that the body does nothing and then the speaker feels wrenched OR that the body both does nothing and feels wrenched. Do you see what I mean? I think your line-break may be contributing to a bit of my confusion here, since I think you mean the latter. Perhaps break it somewhere other than nothing/but so that it’s clearer that it’s a continuous thought and not two. Does that make sense? The “from my bitter state” clause may also be lending confusion because it is never resolved and is left hanging.
I got that from ‘veins,’ ‘body,’ and ‘narrow,’ no problems there. My suggestion about the veins had more to do with clarifying what you meant by lumps – what are the lumps? What are they supposed to represent? I like the idea so I was proposing you introduce more of the idea and expand it. Totally up to you, but I thought I’d suggest it since I thought the idea was under-utilized.
My confusion is more about the way you've constructed this, not your actual word choice. It's not always clear which verbs are attached to which subjects. I got all of what you just elaborated from the poem, but I stumbled in a few of the places I mentioned because I wasn't sure what modified what. My confusion is not with your subject matter, it is with the way you have organized your clauses. Try to write it out as an actual sentence and see if it makes sense – plot which subjects attach to which verbs and which clauses modify what. See if the base sentence makes sense before you add in clauses.
I hope that's clearer, now. I really like the message of this and the word choice, it's just getting muddled by your construction. I'm pointing it out as something to watch for. If you resolve those issues then you can have some incredibly strong work. I hope you understand a little more what I mean, now, and that this can help you. Good luck!

[Daydreamer]

It's good you spot out the detail! The reason for choosing to forgive was because I realised it was the real peace and real breakthrough!!! It seems like confusion is on the top list of your feelings when you read my work... Ignoring the previous poem, let's see this one! Many many peoplr havr read this poem and nobody have spotted out places or things that were absurd or perplexing.... So I am finding it difficult to see what change in the construction are you recommending...... The lumps are just bulk, that make the blood flow harder and therefore the grudges(can be derived from lumps, example or similar feelings) were why life for me wasn't flowing pretty normal, because my sadness was sheding over everything..... Perhaps if you let yourself be more absorbed, your own interpretations can be made along and pulled together to draw a meaning :)
I don't think there is something I could say to clarify how I was able to forgive, I find it really weird! But again, because it was peaceful and I have finally come to realise it after seeing how wicked veins filled with angst and grudge brought no good! I have finally adopted this relieving option...
. And, "does nothing but feel all wrenched" means it was mostly too busy in the process of missing :) just like how you use any "nothing but ......" expression :)
I love this poem whole-heartedly and I am proud of it:) and I hope I can focus more on producing better writings or atleast, more clear :)

[Shaquana Adams]

So true! Nicely stated :)
-QuanaWana

[Daydreamer]

Thank you,Shaquana😃
what's your real name,btw?

[Shaquana Adams]

Shaquana is my real name

[Pryde Foltz]

Well … for something written randomly and in four minutes, you penned some very deep wisdom. Bitterness does in fact contract our bodies, leading to illness. You forgive for yourself:)

[Daydreamer]

Thank you so much, miss Pyrde 😍
Exactly!

[Chris Micha]

Very good! The power of forgiveness is something we should all have. Bravo!

[Daydreamer]

ALL SHOULD HAVE😇😇😇😇
Thank you so much 😁😁

[Abeni]

I totally love how the poem ends with finding inner peace. Beautifully written

[Daydreamer]

Through the great forgiveness😍
Thank you,Abeni for your visit 💖

[Abeni]

You are most welcome

[Calissa Knox]

I really like how the poem starts out with a feeling of being trapped and alone, but ends very unexpectedly with hope: "The only real breakthrough was choosing to forgive".

You turned a deep and truthful insight into a heartfelt and beautiful piece of art. This insight is a great lesson to teach, but the fact that you wrote this from personal experience is even more inspiring. I also love that you stated it in such a concise way. Very emotional and compelling poem!

~ Feather

[Daydreamer]

Wow! Thank you so much,Feather 😍😍😍
YES! I strongly believe people should "forgive" each other
more often! Not necessarily involving recovery of relationships
but for the sole purpose of relief! #Only the brave can forgive😉

[Calissa Knox]

You're welcome, Miss Manal! Very true!

[Daydreamer]

Call me Manal😆
Is your real name Feather?

[Calissa Knox]

Okay, Manal. My real name is Calissa, but you can call me Cali. Feather Dawncery was a name I made up when I was little. :)

[Daydreamer]

ahahaha cuteee😍😍
Okay Calissa😁
Nice to meet you xoxo

[Calissa Knox]

Thank you! Nice to meet you, too. :)

[Lauren]

Love the flow! It starts out strong and finishes even stronger.

[Daydreamer]

Thank you!😇

[Stephanie M]

Nicely, written. Holding a grudge against someone for a long time can start to eat away at you. Sometimes
it's just better to forgive. It's amazing how a random grouping of words can turn into a wondrous piece of
art.

[Daydreamer]

Omg! Thank you so much 🙈🙉🙊

[Ghost of Jupiter]

I love those poems that just come to you in a torrent of words, that happens so fast it is hard to stop the flow. Those are the poems I try not to mess with too much and tweak, for they are the true depth of our minds and soul. Fantastic work, I really enjoyed this piece. Those last two lines are amazing too, sometimes the only thing left to do is forgive. For really, who is really hurt the most when we are bitter and hold a grudge? Well done, poet.

[Daydreamer]

Kalypso, I agree. That was sagacious,my friend! I can tell that "Wicked Veins" is the poem closest to me and to my writing style! I just found it really great to try to spread the idea of forgiveness; SO much relief,dude! LOL😂😜
IKR! And thank you so much 😍