Crumb on Her Table

I think this is very weird poem with long sentences..I should have named it The 'OUS' Love Poem' since all sentences end with the same words 'OUS'.lol...i intentionally wrote it this way..

She casts wild glances even though her actions are mysterious

I’m secure in my pride and I’m not nefarious

Raving beauty drives me mad and my thoughts aren’t perspicacious

Sudden emotion bursts inside my heart and I become oblivious

I’m drown into her spell and it is certainly ominous

I’m disconnected from my intellect and my state is now delirious

She’s generous and accepts advances that are amorous

My unconditional love is not entirely salacious

Moral compass is what she lost, she’s promiscuous!

Hit me, slap me, stab me, I can take it, I’m magnanimous

But don’t kiss me without love, I’ll find that act ferocious

Wish I could anchor my heart to her, but she’s treacherous

I love her with all my heart and she thinks it’s hilarious

She corrupts my heart that I couldn’t ever be chivalrous

She colors my life with chaos of trouble, so I have to be  meticulous

Now lost my self-esteem and dictates of my conscience are preposterous

Her love is burial ground of my dignity and I find this rather curious

This disease of mine is beyond healing and it has now become  insidious

She treats me like crumb on her table, but I would still be obsequious

 

nyi

( 31.5.2010 )

Reviews

[James Watts]

This is well written and deep. I have said it before, but I'll say it again. Outside of poems with great imagery, I love the poems that make me delve into my thoughts. Nice work.

[Ashley.M.E]

This is really good, the lines go togeither so well. You did a fantastic job.

[...]

... well-written ... an interesting write ... words rhyming at the end of each line do have an effect ... i liked the last line a lot ... nice work ...

[nyi]

I agree..the structure has to be improved!

[Bhavya Kaushik]

I liked the central idea of this piece a lot and how you plotted your words across it, very beautifully done.
But I guess, the structure of this can be improved!

[R E Tree]

I like your skills of using those clever words with ious at the end of each one. By that it has made a brilliant poem and I like how you think of such ideas because they are so out standing

[J.Black]

Hahah wow, look at all those "ous" words! I only know one: Marvelous!

[zombiikillah666]

this is neat. (:

[Devons]

I really enjoyed this poem on several levels: as an exercise in language, as an examination of obsession, as an intellectual stimulous (deliberate mis-spelling!), and as an amusing entertainment.
All these elements are balanced together well within the poem and it works with surprising effectiveness. Also, whilst reading you sense the creativity, thought, and effort that has gone into its making. It's an unusual attempt at a somewhat fun style of writing.. almost like a word game..
The character study of the narrator however is what stands out above all most strongly for me. It could have been just a mere exercise and test in the possibilities of a repeated spelling rhyme, but the theme and exploration of how the mind can work in such a carnal and spiritual obsession with an object that does not reciprocate and treats the victim like a toy - raises this piece above the norm..
Very well done.

[nyi]

please feel free to say whatever you want...even if you do not like this piece..even if it's not constructive comment i would like to receive it...