Part 1: This crazy thing trying to control me

People think they know. They think they understand. ADHD. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder Its for people who are too lazy to do anything so they have now made it into a medical issue. Attention seeker. That’s the name they called me most often behind my back. They think I don’t know they talking about me. Getting diagnosed with ADHD and depression seemed to put me in denial, I thought it was a witty joke that doctors were playing on me. As the words tumbled out of his mouth I remember seeing them spiralling out of control. For a long time, I thought I was incredibly imaginative, that the images I saw were because I was special in a supernatural kind of way. Nope, just regular old ADHD. Being diagnosed at the age of 15 labelled me in society as mentally unstable. People would think ‘what’s so depressing in her life, she’s only 15’ and ‘Her parents need to discipline her, she probably doesn’t even have ADHD, She’s just a kid with a tantrum’.

 

Haven’t you ever thought that there is no point in trying to achieve things because afterwards you haven’t got anything to strive for. I used to think there was no point in trying to do things in life because we were going to die anyway. Symptom one in depression and ADHD- Negative thoughts about death. Day after day these thoughts were always in my mind. I swear I remember seeing those exact words following me around surrounded by a green glow. It’s a weird thing to see as a teenager, I just assumed I was dreaming. Soon after I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. It was like being in a video game. I was the main character trying to kill the enemies. People really got annoyed with me they thought I was really over doing the ADHD drama. They didn’t understand it was controlling me. I always had negative thoughts, I remember thinking ‘If I had cancer people would treat me differently, no one would think that I was being overdramatic.’

 

As a 15-year-old girl I was meant to be interested in the following things:

1)Boys �" this ranges from the boys at my school and actors in every film and music video.

2)Clothes and makeup �" high end and dupes of everything on the entire planet

3)Friends -  Because they are your second family, in this case your only family.

4) The internet- that’s the source to everything good in life or so they say.

This was about 40% correct except I did have other things in mind, other things that were important in life. My parents thought I would fail in life; they didn’t say this face to face or to anybody but I always knew. Symptom 2 of having

 Depression and ADHD- Hopelessness

 

Thank God I had my friends, they were my holy grail. They kept me on the right tracks throughout my teenage life or what they thought were the right tracks. This was one thing it hadn’t taken away from me. Laura was my favourite, my best friend. The only one who understood me. Insert more cringe anecdotes. But its true, she didn’t judge me for having ADHD. She knew if I said some stuff I would regret it wasn’t really me it was the disorder. Then there was Nicole. I’m not entirely sure why I hang out with Nicole, except for the fact that she hung onto Laura like a puppy. She blatantly highlighted the fact that she kind of, sort of…. Well… you could say found me irritating or…. SHE HATED ME. Which was fine because I never really noticed her or considered her my friend just that side girl that everyone has in their groups. I liked Tamara but I never really knew if she liked me. When we got along we were inseparably but when she had those moods every month she like over exaggerating. Probably why I liked her she knew how to throw a scene. Michelle was like my soul mate but I hated when she would ignore me or not talk to me because she felt like it. It was like an actual love hate relationship, a reason why I withhold myself from entering any romantic relationship. Who actually wants to f**k some random guy and then spend awkward mornings for about 4 months until you actually decide that you’re comfortable with him only to have him tell you he thought it was a fling.  I have no actual knowledge on the subject but a girl can dream and have passive aggressive thoughts. Symptom 3 in having depression and ADHD- Over exaggerating and thinking something in too much detail.

 

That was it, the three of us well actually the four of us (if you include Nicole). They were all important in my life, each playing a distinctive role or it was my mind doing it again.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked this description of ADHD. You wrote with a honest and direct pen. I liked the educational value of the story told. You forced the reader into understanding of ADHD. It is well written and worthwhile chapter.
Coyote