Choke

Choke

A Poem by Kayleen

will

Smoke

To keep

From Choking

I

Cant

Cry

If I'm

Constantly Joking

I

Want

Some Other

Kind

of Hurt

Could

Deal

With the

Bloodstains

On a Shirt

Dont 

Want

This

Inner kind

Of Torture

 I 

Take

One

Hit 

Why

Cant

I Make This better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© 2009 Kayleen


Author's Note

Kayleen
Comments Please? i would really appreciate any sort of feedback

My Review

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Reviews

It's got a good emotional impact. The break up of lines works.

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The "I"s help break up the thoughts.
But there is no separation between "Hit" and "Why ... Cant ... I Make This better?"

Why did you not capitalize better if you capitalized Make and This in the last line.
Missing apostrophes.

The more I read the more I liked it.


Posted 6 Years Ago


Oooh I like it a lot! This is full of feeling and questioning yourself. It's a soul opener.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Very interesting indeed, it's like saying you'd rather cause your own pain cause at least you would be in control of it. Uniquely worded and expressed.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I see an irony in the writing. ie when you say "I Will Smoke To Keep From Choking"
Also a depression. I think you made your intentions very clear and i can appriciate the flow and the style of writting.
Great write.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The phrasing sounds like choke should. This is really sad, desperate almost.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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529 Views
6 Reviews
Rating
Added on August 4, 2009
Last Updated on August 6, 2009

Author

Kayleen
Kayleen

Anaheim, CA



About
Kayleen. 22. California. I Like Old School Punk Rock, Electro nonsense, and Katy Perry. The Mighty f*****g Boosh. Everything else amazing overseas we dont have here. I make movies, bad decisions.. more..

Writing
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A Poem by Kayleen