My first kill

My first kill

 

 

The thought was scary,

At first,

I thought I was,

Insane.

The first drop of blood,

touching my finger,

driving my mind,

in a haze.

At first my car,

was only speeding down the road,

but then you walked in front,

blocking my way,

surprising me,

making sure that i'd hit you.

I stopped and tried to move,

but you moved as I did,

and I hit you dead center,

only,

you weren't dead.

You were breathing,

you chest heaving.

I ran to your side,

with the blood gushing,

I reached for my phone,

but you screamed,

"End my life! End it now! I deserve nothing! Kill me with this knife, it has history of my family and war. Kill me with honor."

All I thought was,

What is this dude thinking,

He has honor of jumping in front of my car,

And being hit?

And now he's telling me to just stab him?

Making sure that he dies with "honor"?

I walked inside of my car.

Good. I thought,

It's still intact.

I started it up,

and looking at the guy in the road,

I had tears in my eyes,

What was I doing?

Do I want to do this?

Am I really meant for this?

Then I thought,

He told me to do this.

 

*       *              *

I headed straight towards him.

The guy's face before I hit him,

was priceless.

He now has no honor.

*         *        *

 

I'm glad I met that guy.

He helped me figure out,

a new thing about my life.

I'm good at killing.

And now I read the papers,

After all i'm always on the front page.

Author's Note

sorry if it's a bit confusing, i just thought while i typed

Reviews

[N.E.T.]

This is very interesting - but always, anything that subtracts writing from "ordinary" is surely part of what makes it good. I think it would help to alleviate any 'confusion', if you think about adding some more breaks in the piece, such as this:

The thought was scary,
At first,
I thought I was,
Insane.
The first drop of blood,
touching my finger,
driving my mind,
in a haze.



At first my car,
was only speeding down the road,
but then you walked in front,
blocking my way,
surprising me,
making sure that i'd hit you.
I stopped and tried to move,
but you moved as I did,
and I hit you dead center...


This would help the reader find the unique flow and movement of the piece. When you read it - look for those significant pauses - noticing how it actually sounds in your own mind. You have to assume the reader won't read the poem exactly as you read it, or how you want them to. It is yours. Adding breaks will help guide the reader to absorb the piece as you intended it to be, and help the reader from becoming confused about what is happening in the poem.

If you want the last pieces of the poem to stand out from the rest, as I see this is where you have added specific breaks in the piece, perhaps you can re-format those pieces in another way, rather than it being the only place you add some breaks - such as, bold type or italicize those sections - move them out or spread them in an alternating pattern to pronounce those strophes to the reader.

I am only suggesting that because of your comment about it being confusing, and not because I am telling you how it must be edited.

In all, I thought this piece was very uniques and dark - the ending was a surprise and the poem stood out with really great climactic energy. It builds and builds. The discourse in the piece is the only part I thought could be changed to keep from confusion - but I thought adding it, added to the build and overall it is a very unique poem - thank you for sharing with me...

[Tabatha P.]

I like the style, the way you wrote this. It's disconnected in way and it does a good job of conveying the narrator, the jumbled process. I think you should work on the line breaks some more because some of them are awkward even with the almost jumbled manner of the poem.

Also, I love the ending. It made me laugh. In particular the last two lines were strong and brilliant. I would suggest only keeping those and maybe the third to last one as well to make the ending even stronger.

All in all, well done. :3

[Aussie]

I think I'm good at understanding disconnected thoughts.I think I get this?Maybe.WHo knows,I think its pretty kickass either way what you've done here.

[angel gone bad]

yea that was good even though you dne that i got the point of it
i understood what it was saying

[Allison]

I love this!!!!! You did a really good job!

[X]

XD that was soo awsome (though id like it if there was more gore) i like the flow of this. 100 points :p

[WriterSki7]

lol. I'd say I can relate, but that'd scare people.
An interesting poem to be sure. Not sure what's wrong with the guy (unless he's japanese) but that sure makes for a most peculiar beginning.
A most intriguing job. Good work.

[Rawr!!XD]

It's interesting. I liked it. good job.

[slemonade]

I really like the overall story. It was really interesting and kind of freaky. The only part I found confusing was the line that said "He has honor of jumping in front of my car". First, I think the first "of" should be changed to "for." Also, there's honor for jumping in front of a car? "you chest heaving"... you should be changed to your. The flow also gets too choppy for me. All the commas and periods constantly force me to stop, and it ruins the meaning and the emotion of the poem for me. I also noticed that the viewpoint changes about midway through the poem. First, the narrator is talking to the guy (2nd person), then speaker is talking about the guy (3rd person). Besides that, I really liked it. Good work. :D

[Kristen]

Very interesting and attention-grabbing with a bit of horror mixed in. I liked it, nice work!