The Embroidered Mind

My first short story attempt. I started it for a class I took on-line. I hope you enjoy it.

                                           Chapter I (pretty much done)

"It seems so much like a dream. Dejahvu if I had a word for that. Once again here I am in this place. This old place, my place." 

(Old Bulgaria, rich with history and cultures; but poor with substance. )

"I wish this were a dream."

She was falling short of stature; enduring a certain quiet servitude. Her beauty, a close companion to her face, yet never reflected in her eyes nor step. Pulling on heavy boots that drag her thighs down; down to the core of her world. 

"I feels like rows upon rows of tiny, sharp, hooked teeth. Why can't I close my mouth?".... 

Words fail. They stuck like cotton and peanut butter on the roof of her mouth; on her dry tacky tongue .... on sharp hooked teeth. Fear and anxiety writing tracks across her eyes and in the corners of her mouth, she says ;  

"This has to be a dream,"

Her silent companion, unseen, is a  wizened, long- tailed mouse; who sits  quietly, nose twitching. 

"I love my teeth." he sighs and Nibbles morsels of a large, black, hard shelled beetle. The crunching resounds across his silence. Rigbey the Mouse is all knowing.

Rigbey feels the cold quiet and tweeks his ears. Touches the ends of his moistened whiskers. They tell him things. 

Rigbey wears a glossy, full grey coat declaring fine health and abundance. He absorbs everything in  the world as easily as slicing Gutta cheese. Everything but the tight, black, crack hidey hole in the wall. The entrance of which is foreboding. Shaking visibly, Rigbey quickly looks away. Like a mini-black hole it flashes dark warnings of danger larger than life. Perhaps larger even, than the mouse. Rigbey thinks that the wondering is the Black Hole's key ...... looking up Rigbey sees her ... glancing quickly away from that darkness. 

"I know her name", he says, "her name seems to me solid but she is not. Look how terrified she looks!"

 

Ruth is kneeling on red callous knees, convinced, if she gets close, her very fiber will be pulled apart. Sucked  into, and down, and lost forever where the very atoms of being are blown apart. Its the empty darkness that calls and repels her.

There was a time, she remembers, painting herself in the colors of Gypsies and Celts ...of Romans and Slavs. Embroidered and dancing Spring colors woven on simple looms, solid farm fabric that  hangs a comfort over her shoulders and tells of her mother's hands. Ruth pulls on thick leather shoes. She has no socks. Her hands are hard and worn;  but there are daisies to dream of and so she dreams. 

An unusual tick in her right shoulder started when she was a girl and so, for her, it has always been there. Drawing the shoulder up and back so quickly it is hardly noticeable. Like the shutter of a camera ... she knows her imperfection....

Ruth thinks she was happy during those times; but It might have been imagined. 

"I wish it were so." she tells herself. 

"I wish it wasn't such a dream to have happiness in my life. .... at least in the memories" she sighs. 

                                

All the time spent in her prison she is guarded by that mouse. He remembers everything. Ruth, peeling her hands from scrub brushes, the dark brown strands of hair, undone, swinging across her cheeks. 

She lifts her head to brush them back and suddenly remembers breathing. An amazing thing! It seems so long since she felt that breeze; the movement of cleansing .... of breathing. 

Dark and smoke smudged soot surround her. Suffocating cobble stones, damp; and smelling of old salamanders and the river. Rock colored floors and walls. She knows them intimately....by name almost.  Her knees feel the cold rounded skin of them, as if she held hands with familiar friends and spirits while the mouse scurries across the room.......

"I'm tired of paying attention!" he chortles to himself. A brief smile turning the corners of his mouse mouth to the corners of his mouse eyes.

Ruth reflects on the foreboding that keeps her from probing the Black Hole. A ferocious spirit compels her to search it ... to uncover ... reveal the terrible fears. The mouse knows she never has ... and never will.

"Ruth!" ........................"Ruth!" 

The gravel and animal behind his voice hits like vinegar on wounds. Without looking, she knows his stout stance. His dark features betray his greasy soul. His voice  shouts of nothing gentle. His name is Brian. 

Wearing the clothes of a peasant, Brian lords over her with ill gotten ease. He sees her below like some kind of slop not worthy for pigs. He thinks he knows better, is better; better than anyone. Brian wears black boots that cover his thick shins. A full black beard is not a complement. It is reprehensible in some way one can't quite put a finger on. Perhaps it is  his soul that shows in his beard.

"Yesss?" She strangles through those hooked teeth. 

She doesn't look up but tries to make it sound nice. 

"Yes?"

The mouse has felt this terror many times before; as well as the sadness. His long and graceful whiskers twitch. There are four on the right side; and five on the left. Not perfect, but working well.

"I am Mouse. I have escaped all the traps and poisons. I have resisted all the temptations and this Man will not prevail. I know this as God only knows." he whispers.

Ruth's coldness seeps, .... no .... concentrates the deep muscles. Her ballerina toes wrench inside her boots. Her shoulders grasp the cold and will not let go. She twitches; It forces her to move. Even a slight change of position will bring some relief. Reddish brown of the chains inhibit the sharpening of knives. She will kill him she consoles herself; and allows sleep to drop into her eyes. 

Through a distant somewhere light...... she will waken. 

Chapter II

The Brooklyn is coming alive. Its 6 AM and street noises of all kinds have awakened.

Janet tries hard to shake her sleep. The dreams have captured her zen and stopped any rem sleep for many months now. Its 7 am. She has slept fitfully for almost 6 hours. Not too bad for an insomniac. Robot-like, the coffee pot fills itself with Dunkin' Donut. Dark roast. Its aroma making the needed pry on her resistant lids. Into her small but adequate bathroom for the refreshing. Cold water helps draw her into the moment. 

Back into the kitchen, she reaches for the top shallow drawer containing silver and black plastic utensils. Her choice is the black knife. Using it, she  smears her bagel with raspberry and Philadelphia. The cream cheese is a treat she refuses to give up. 

"I really don't look THAT bad do I?" she consoles her woman's guilt.  

Out side the air is tinted with fall to come. Dusty concrete, and industrial smoke try to rob the freshness; but she is focused on the crisp crunching of toasted bagel and a fog of memories. Her bus will be right on time. As she hurries out the door, she is thinking about Ruth, Brain and the mouse. Vivid waking dreams have been trained with medications but at night they continue to disturb her. 

"Good morning Janet!" ...every day the same grey words from the bus driver. In her mind's eye, Janet barely catches the flash of grey mouse and pink tail slipping between the steel grating and drops into a dark hole.

 "Good morning Brian." she sing songs back to him, fingering the sharp edged blade held in her pocket. 

Author's Note

i think i am done revising this for now. time to move on from it and perhaps dust it off one day for added chapters. For all who take time to read it through i am much appreciative. i know how precious your time is. thank you for all the critiques ... i have taken them to heart and made changes ... hopefully for the better ;)

Reviews

[KWP]

Hey You!

What a treat and thank you for asking me to give you some feedback. I didn't know there was a MOOC for Short Stories this year. I would have loved to have joined in on that one. Maybe I shall go back a peruse the notes.

Your story :D - I am glad I didn't read you authors note first as you would have given it all away!!

I think you should do us reader a favour and make the font size larger - some f us wear reading glasses these days you know, :)

Characters:

Honest and believable. I was taken aback when I met Rigbey, but he had his place in the bigger scheme of things. I like Rigbey. Ruth, in the small space you have created here raises so many questions for us readers, I found myself thinking This way and that as to where the story was going. Janet - she's all to real for this day and age.

Plot:

Personally I have always struggled with short stories (not that I have written many), I mean where do we start and where do we finish? They are like a tiny excerpt from life that needs to be shared with the world. I feel you have mastered this aspect. You have told us just enough to keep us wondering and the conclusion wrapped all thoughts together quite nicely.

Showing the reader:

This part I would love you to revise. I reckon if you go back and think about what I am about to say you writing will be 'cracker!'. When I wrote my first novel the reviewer (a professional) pinned out how my language was 'telling' and not 'showing' - I have noticed that you do the same thing. It is a simple trick to master (showing) it just takes time and practice and this story right here is the perfect avenue.
So what am I talking about ...
Let's take the line .... She wore heavy boots that pulled her thighs down; down to the core of her world..... this is TELLING ... instead you can reword this into the fabric of the story without stating out loud what you want the readers to take in. Hmmm let me think of an example for instead of what you have written...

Her heavy boots anchored her to the inner core of her world. Each step reminded her of the burdens she unwillingly had to bare.

Okay, so this may or may not be in context (in your minds eye) but I am just trying to express (perhaps badly) the difference between showing and telling. Go back and read and get rid of all the words such as ... feel. was and sentences that start with she. A good example of telling is this line ...

Her silent companion, unseen, is a wizened, long- tailed mouse; who sits quietly, nose twitching.

I wonder how you can weave him into the fabric of the story without directly shoving him in our face? :D

I found a video that may help :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW5aIO-hUZI

Language:

Your poetic style creeps right into this piece and it works extremely well. Your descriptions are spot on. Not overcrowded, just nicely stated and it is easy to conjure images.

Other:

Janet creeps into your story like a slap in the face. I'm uncertain yet weather this is a good thing or not :D I do think you need a space between the Ruth story and the Janet story - or. maybe you did this deliberately?

Janet brings an immediate and somewhat welcome shift, the day all of a sudden seems brighter (I actually felt that) even though I think Janet has her own issues to deal with, when you use language like zen and rem sleep and 'not too bad for and insomniac' I get the feeling Janet is in more control than her dream buddy Ruth (or is it all a facade).

I like the twist Rigbey gives to your story. I think you need to be careful in a short story of jumping straight into character description, this is definitely an area where you have to weave the characters into the folds of the story to catch the readers attention straight away. Be careful of over describing characters unnecessarily.

Excellent effort E. You have inspired me to sit and write. Thanks for that. Let me know if you revise or if I didn't make sense anywhere.

Love ya big big XXXXX

[Einstein Noodle]

great review my friend ..the showing aspect as you say is not easy ...i will take your critique to heart and will change some of my "telling" lines ... it was something covered in the class ;) and i know exactly how i can show a bit better ... the contrast is on purpose but wondered if the transition is too harsh .. i will have to ponder that one ... i like Rigbey too .. i want to make him a bigger part of the story but i think it would get too long in telling ... you inspire me always Elizabeth, and this is no exception .. thanks so very much .. your review is very helpful!
E.

[KWP]

I agree - showing is not as easy as one imagines, it takes time and practise. I still haven't got the hang of it, I really have to be in the zone when I get it right. But your story is short enough to revise and do just that ...

I am glad I was of some little help XX

love ya and I look forward to reading the revision

[Ana Papaya]

The ending leaves it open to so much.
I like the dream part. It almost made me think of a Cinderella type situation but with an evil step brother or father instead and a bit darker version.

[Einstein Noodle]

yes..a bit darker to be sure ;) thanks Ana ... so nice to have you back around .. thank you so much for reading through this rather long short story ...love and peace

[An owl on the moon]

So glad to see you writing stories... so thankful you will share them with us. Such a richness in the world that rises in the shadows. The characters are deeply shaded and colored in magnificent hues, and everything seems to carry us across paths of time and space, dreams, memories, all walking forward. Can't wait to read more.

[Einstein Noodle]

God bless you sir....for your steadfast read!!!!! its not easy to sit on one page very long ... i think most of us are the same in having time limits and the desire to read all we can within them .. thanks so much my friend for spending your time to read and review. i am still working the Chapter idea and need to utilize the tips i have received here .. in that 2nd chapter ... thank you again Owl ... i am encouraged onward .. it wasn't easy for me to find a gear to even start a story ...love and peace
E.

[Ken Simm.]

I would not have guessed that this is your first attempt at a short story. I would like to ,with the greatest respect, give you my two penneth worth. First of all the characters. I feel for them, I like them and I want to know what happens to them. Especially Rigbey. I particularly like the personification here.
I like the streaming of this but I do feel you should split it into chapters. I did feel I was reading too quickly. Janet's appearance is rather too abrupt for my taste.
In short, I found myself relating and enjoying the surreal and dreamlike qualities and following the horrors and darkness quite well. I do feel a little more would help however. I hope you don't mind this brief critique. My overall impression was good.

[Einstein Noodle]

your opinion always matters to me Ken and you are definitely in line with others in the things you point out i can and will work on ... i just have to work up the "mood" to do it ... working this into a posting place was a little like the relief one has after months of constipation ;)))))))))))))))) thanks so much for taking time and your helpful critique
E.

[emmajoy]

Have read this twice. The first time was more of a scan, a hungry rush through a magical, off-earth journey that just grabbed me! Then, then, dear man, I had to work slowly, sometimes too slowly, going back and forth over dialogue, description, a character doing this or that. Won't go through it all, can see, without reading that KWP has already done that and don't have her skills anyway However, one courteous suggestion: clarify the Janet appearance.. My brain went on horror tack when she appeared, 'thought i'd missed something (as i often do!).

That mean criticism said, am so very impressed by your story.. it flows a river from well defined character to another, opens offered panoramas then allows time and space for a reader to think and thus, imagine.

Most of this story is near 'ethereal' (can't think of an alternative word) but, at times, your wording swept gasps out of me, beautiful they are, '.. She lifts her head to brush them back and suddenly remembers breathing. An amazing thing! It seems so long since she felt that breeze; the movement of cleansing .... of breathing. Dark and smoke smudged soot surround her. Suffocating cobble stones, damp; and smelling of old salamanders and the river. Rock colored floors and walls. She knows ...'

If i add that i need to come back again, does that explain my feelings?! This could be the start of an epic book. Kudos! Bravo!

[Einstein Noodle]

its not mean to be critical in reading and writing...its very helpful ..especially that too sharp transition the both you and Elizabeth point out ..i am taking all into make it better mode and will apply some changes soon ... it was very painstaking just to form a "story" for me ... so going back to re-break me arm and set it right will take a whiskey or two ... but i will get it done ;) thank you so much for taking time and your very constructive opinions .. love it ma'am
E.

[emmajoy]

Laughing at the thought of a whiskey or two helping someone see clearly!!! In all honesty, i have a feeling this write of yours will become a super sweet success, tis special.

[Einstein Noodle]

aww you are a gem of a friend emma ... love and peace and a snippet of Jamison ;}

[Einstein Noodle]

the whiskey is more for courage than clarity ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) either way ... it warms the tummy!

[emmajoy]

I believe you, but .... :)

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

I fell into the role straight away...thinking to myself does he know me? Am I that plain to see...my dreams so open? and the structure and pretense of the "mouse" just marvelous. I felt all things when I rolled...when Brian spoke my name...I wanted to gut him myself for a moment and then remembered I shouldn't think such things before coffee! lol great piece with enough details to keep me invested and ready to feel more! Happy Monday E! I have to go pour another cupa...It is a Monday ya know:)

[Einstein Noodle]

oh what a smile your review gives me .. have a cup on me please!! thank you for taking time to read and review .. i am encouraged enough to maybe try another one of these days ... thank you Queen
E.

[Paul Bell]

There's a lot going on in this story.
Sort of hoping she's got a split personality.
Brian, the bus driver doesn't know he's the enemy. Though at some point in time he will.
Like the dark dreams, it gives direction.
You sort of feel her pain. Which I like. Look forward to seeing how you progress with this.

[Einstein Noodle]

thanks for taking time Paul...and for giving me your thoughts and impressions ..its always helpful ..i'm not sure if i want to expand it or not ... i am fearful if i start ...i may never finish ;} ...but your encouragement tempts me ...g'day to ya mate! thanks again for reading
E.

[Neville]

an absolute treasure sir..having read through these words in one gulp so to speak, I can hardly wait to read through them again, and quite possibly even again after that... An exquisite tale told and true.. This has got the lot Gene.. even a bit o my Old Bulgaria... I am smiling here.. If you dont keep writing such as this, I aint gonna read no more........ Your true fan and friend, Neville

[Einstein Noodle]

oh man...Neville you are so encouraging ... and the first review too! i am not quite as scared to read them now ;) thank you so much! couldn't ask for a better review nor friend sir! peace and joy and thank you again
E.

[Neville]

every word true.. if I had written 'The Embroidered Mind'.. I would be a very happy man indeed.. All Good Things to you too.. write on...Neville