Serenity

The powerful healing properties of love can even come amidst the pain

How do you describe the most perfect girl you know?
There is no possible way I can completely show
How much you truly have helped me to grow
You allow my light to shine and my rivers to flow

The way you talk, the way you smile
It makes me want to stay awhile
You say you aren't amazing but nothing could defile
The way your light fills my empty vial

You look like an angel and you move like a swan
So I apologize if over you I do fawn
And I hope that in a near future dawn
We can rest and relax on our own shared lawn

When life gets me down, you keep me afloat
I'm lost in the ocean but you are my boat
And in the midst of a world of calamity
Wouldn't you know, you are my serenity

When I'm with you, time seems to slow down
You make it impossible for me to frown
While others may hurt me and put me down
You never make me feel like I am the clown

You're beautiful, you're talented, mostly perfected
I thought it was impossible but I stand corrected
You have shown me myself, but perfectly reflected
Whilst I watch the just pride that you have deflected

It's crazy when I see the way you look at me
Because that's the person I'm trying to be
All of my imperfections that you refuse to see
I'm trying to let them go, I'm trying to be free

And while others may beat me right down to my core
You are the one who allows me to soar
So in the midst of my world of calamity
I want you to know, you are my serenity

Your beauty transcends this world, there's no description
Your kindness fills my void, it's my prescription
You wrote me a new story, you changed my perspective
I just want to help you, I'm overprotective

You're the one that I see when I lay down to dream
I am constantly grateful we were on the same team
I am lost in your spell or so it would seem
I desperately want to be by your shining beam

I'm so worried that our friendship is on the verge of a kill
But I hang on because I love you still
There are billions of people but you're not run of the mill
You are the one who strengthens my will

When all the nectar is draining from my sieve
You repair the holes and allow me to live
I exist in a world full of calamity
So please I need you... you are my serenity

Author's Note

Just more of my old stuff that I'm posting. I was going to revise it first, but I want to hear other thoughts on the first draft first

Reviews

[William Liston]

This poem is a nice poem, but it lacks the overall emotional impact to be considered great. Something like that can't be fixed through revising alone. Since I've read better from you, I'm not going to critique this (unless you really want me to). If I were you, I wouldn't bother to revise it. Personally, I love looking back on some of my first poems and saying "wow, I've gotten better." (My first "serious" poem was horible, I can message it to you if you'd like).

[Darian B.]

Thank you for the brutal honesty. The fact that you are willing to tell me flat out that this does not have a strong emotional impact is actually really uplifting to me because it tells me that your other reviews are entirely genuine as well. I started posting my poetry because I wanted to truly know if I actually had good poetry. If it isn't too much of a hassle, I would enjoy reading your first poem. It will give me perspective with where you started from

[V]

That's a cute piece, full of young affection, still carefree and pure yet there are many lines which read kind of clumsy regarding the rhyme scheme. I think your writing is another sample of what many young and inexperienced amateur writers do, just writing down their emotions in storylike ways, making it rhyme and "sell" it as a poem but there's more to creating poetry than just writing down thoughts mingled with emotions, one has to find a way to express themselves in a manner which differs from usual prose, that's what poetry consists of. You might develop your style by reading and writing more. I hope you don't mind my honesty, constructive reviews are often perceived as too negative, almost as a form of harassment, which is surely not what I intended.

[Darian B.]

How else do writers improve if no one uses constructive criticism? I am not offended whatsoever. I would however, be intrigued to hear what you think of some of my newer, more free-verse poetry. "What I can say" and "a teenage love" are the two poems I am referring to

[V]

I had a quick glance at teenage love, however even though the content might be different, I might leave a similar review than the one above. But for now, I have to leave. I hope you get to read a lot of poetry that makes you improve, influences your style positively.

[Darian B.]

Hmm, I'm not trying to doubt you, but teenage love doesn't rhyme, aside from the first stanza. After that, it is completely free verse. While you may critique it, I don't understand how you would say the same things. I'm not trying to say that you won't find lots of flaws at all, I know my poetry is in no ways perfect. I hope that doesn't come off as snobbish our rude, I'm just curious to find out how much of it you already read. Thank you for taking the time to review my poetry though, it does mean a lot

[V]

I'm 17 and claim to know about love, ironic
A spitting image of teenagers, I'm iconic
Teens know nothing of love, or so they say
So I tell them my story and I walk away

This reads like a rhyming prologue to your poem which doesn't even read like one, more like a story again, it's really lacking something poetic (I think I have mentioned that before) and poetry nowadays has become a rather vast term and I have read many many different poems from all times and people imaginable. Still, I see something in your writing(s), may it be just the innocence of young people reflected in your works.

[Darian B.]

Perhaps I am misinterpreting this, but to be perfectly honest, that last comment did strike a nerve. The way I interpreted what you said, is that even in the vast sea of poetry, with all types of ways to write poetry, the poetry I write does not strike you as "poetic enough." Finally you concluded with what could have become a complement if not sullen by the possibility that perhaps the only thing special about my poetry, is that I am young and therefore "innocent." Again, maybe that's not what you meant, but to me, your comment was a little rude and almost even ignorant. The whole innocence of young people in general, irks me. That was the whole purpose of my teenage love poem. I'm not trying to pick a fight and I don't want to offend but your particular comment frustrated me.

[V]

Why does this sort of innocence irks you? It has light and carefree touch which is never to be regained if once lost yet (sadly) it inevitabily does as time goes by. I'm sorry I sounded a little rude but brutal honesty is often but I don't mean to offend anyone. I've been writing for some years and my beginnings read a tad immature too and among all the positive reviews I've always received on here, I must admit that the ones which emphasize(d) the negative or flawed parts of one's poetry are those which help you grow as a writer even though it doesn't feel auxiliary at first and of course, it might even hurt a little if someone critiques your writings you have put your heart and soul in, in ways that are, by first impression, adverse but you'll be grateful afterwards for them and I even think, it makes you develop your ability to write quicker and in more effective ways. Again, sorry you felt frustrated, I can relate but there's nothing to be annoyed or dissatisfied about, I think I actually agree with the review by William on this one, he might have said what I think in nicer ways. A general advice for every writer: read and write as much as you can, you'll improve and change automatically, inevitably and effortlessly (if improving/growing as a writer is what you strive for but I think almost everyone does)

[Darian B.]

Of course I want to improve and of course I like constructive criticism. However there is a line between plain criticism and constructive criticism, and I'm sorry but I dont feel that you made it over that line. Telling me that my poetry does not feel like poetry is not constructive, it does not help me improve my poetry in any way. I write a specific way and without a suggestion on how to change my writing, that's the way it is. Now, if you wanted to tell me that and offer me some way that I could somehow improve my writing, whether I end up agreeing with you or not, it gives me perspective to improve upon. Notice how every time William critiques my poetry, he gives me a suggestion or two on how to improve. Without that, it really is only criticism and that is what rubbed me the wrong way about your review, it was only expressing what was wrong with my poems and not what I can do to improve. That being said, I do recognize that you did tell me to read and write as much as possible and my poetry would automatically improve, but my style will most likely stay very similar. Your issue is with my style, it is not a "true form of poetry" to you. I'm sorry to say that I rather like my style and it is not going to change merely because one person tells me it is not poetic without further explanation. Quite honestly, I see absolutely nothinng wrong with staying within a "usual prose" but I don't feel that my poetry actually does that. Concerning the innocence part, perhaps it irks me because I don't feel that I am innocent, I've seen a lot and experienced a lot, this is just who I am. I am neither light nor carefree, even though a few of my poems have that feel to them. To say something inevitably does do something bugs me in its own accord. Every person is different and every situation is different. With over 7 billion people on this earth, no one trait is inevitable. I'm sure this last part sounded innocent and naive to you and perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic, but my "innocence" is who I am and that wont change, despite what people tell me. I appreciate that you wish to improve my writing, but I guess I'm looking for more than you gave in terms of constuctive criticism.

[V]

Well, first I wonder why my review which you obviously understand as way too negative bugs you so much, second why should other people tell you how to improve your writings, that's something you have to do on your own/which should be up to the writers themselves unless you have included mere errors. And yes, you sound sort of naive too me and inevitable is a something that does happen and exists, it's a form of consequence which follows a lot of different situations, also prose is not poetry though prose poetry is a verified term and I referred to prose, there are many, for my taste too many narrative aspects in your writing. Actually, I don't feel like making an argument, anymore, we're not on the same wavelength and we'd be discussing forever, perhaps. Btw I didn't wish to improve your writing, rather I meant to say that I hope that you can improve them on your own after a while and constructive consists of pointing out positive and negative aspects of someone's writing, it doesn't necessarily include suggestions on how to change a writing. Other than that, I hope you have a nice time here sharing your stuff.