jabirs revenge part 7

June 3.

God…. i have tried to remain silent… i have tried and tried…i know she will bring about her own fall….but oh!!! these tears that pour down their faces!! please!! you have to make her leave!! i don't see you purpose in this!! i don't understand please please oh please!! Aaliya is even here now!! why?! God… please…i can't do this anymore..i can't… Jabir is now gone so i have none to lean upon..send me strength…or send me him…

June 5. 

and the little wench has returned!! i knew she was still here!! i will make her suffer for bringing them!! each one!! each one will pay!! i will make her tears pour down till they flow the miles i have run!! little pathetic thing!! you are weak!! you are not worthy of this form we share!! oh you will regret opening your useless sniveling mouth!!

June 11.

the panic is gone from her…. why???????

June 13.

i pray and i pray…. she still continues… it hurts so much!!! please give me strength!! she took him!!! and she took them!!! the man who showed me you… he said you would protect me!! that i would find peace!! i need that peace!! this isn't right…..i can't hide my fear forever….i can't i just can't…please oh please…. this is yours… do with it as you will….

June 19.

everything is still…eerily still…. this is her fault…. i know they are coming…. they are so far…

June 21.

they have been here for days…. i can't hide like this….she keeps trying to show them i am here… calling to her pathetic thing….i can't even see him!! he won't help her!! i smile even at the thought of her naivety!! just wait you piece of trash…just wait…

June 27.

i won't… they will not get the pleasure of hearing me… not now… not ever…

June 29.

three days… i simply sit again… i heard one of them… they fear me.. they have reason… the weak one is silent yet again, but she is not gone… you wait you arschloch… just you wait… this evil you have done me will be paid a million times over...

Reviews

[Ohhhwillow]

You have a nice concept going for you here Marie, and I'd like to see how it progresses - be only a bit harder on yourself and read more! It helps me anyway, to grasp good flow and work with punctuation in order to structure thoughts more fluently! :)

[marie]

i actually put the incorrect grammar on purpose, give the write a more vivid feel as a journal, and it adds more to the character:)

[Ohhhwillow]

In this case,I really admire your ambition, that's a smart technique I never considered! :)

[marie]

try it:) just make sure its only in journals;)lol

[Nick.B]

I've said it before, it seems that god plays an important role to this story, a great chapter

[marie]

God does play an important role in this:) glad you liked it:) thanks for the review:)

[CreativeStroke]

Your story is developing well! Good job with this chapter Marie.

[marie]

Thank you so much!!:)

[Sir Joseph]

What an eerie amazing chapter to Jabir's revenge! the story is developing in a phenomenal way! Bravo meh love :)

[marie]

awww:) thanks you so much sweety!!:) i'm so so glad my knight likes my work:)

[Sir Joseph]

Why wouldnt I?? You are a fantastic writer!! :)

[marie]

because this isn't exactly the "normal" way to write a piece, just worried that it will deter readers..

[cinnamonXD]

oooo this is so interesting cant wait to read the others!

there are some few things that you might want to consider tho:

be careful to not over punctuate. I had this problem too. I wanted to get my expression and point across, but I found that it's more affective if you just put one exclamation instead of three - for me, i think of !!!!! as more texting language - idk

also for the first paragraph, you put lines with exclamation marks in a row. maybe instead of each one having exclamation marks, maybe make some "." so they have more effect on the reader when you have "!" - just a thought

good job! ^u^

[marie]

lol:) i actually meant to write it like this, its a journal, and i want to make sure that people know that, in my other works and pieces you don't see this, that is one of the ways that this is unique among my writings:)

[cinnamonXD]

cool bro nice style ;3

[marie]

thanks:)

[cinnamonXD]

( ^ 3 ^ )

[s y e]

Another great chapter from you :) Very intriguing and interesting. A great write, well done!

One teeny thing:
"winch has" should be "wench has"

[marie]

lol:) yeah i'll have to fix that, thanks for reading and reviewing:)

[s y e]

You're welcome :-)

[marie]

:D

[quinfinn]

a very engaging chapter indeed....reads like a journal. everyone loves to peer inside the journal of another...this is no exception.....one point, June 5...."wench" is the proper spelling. very good write!

[marie]

imma go fix that now:) lol, i have always had trouble with spelling, sorry, my computer's spell check didn't catch that, so i assumed it was right. hoping to have the next chapter up soon, but i seem to be on a (hopefully) temporary writers block...